The Prophecy 3: The Ascent (2000)
The conclusion to The Prophecy Trilogy. Once again, Christopher Walken returns as the Arch-Angel Gabriel. As the War in Heaven and on Earth rages on, Pyriel, the Angel of Genocide, rises to power, intending to destroy all of mankind. The only one who stands in his way is Danyael, who was born of an Angel and a woman, but Danyael is unaware of his purpose, until he runs into Gabriel, who has now become a human after the events of The Prophecy 2, and is acting as his secret guardian. Now, the fate of the world hangs in the balance as Danyael sets out to confront Pyriel and finally fulfill his destiny.
I can tell this is going to be quality since it isn't even a full 90 minutes and is a Dimension film. But it has Brad Dourif and Christopher Walken, so that seems pretty rad.
The movie starts with Molotov cocktails being thrown into a house and then a voice over reading from the book of Genesis. Walken shows up in a horrible wig and shit is popping. This appears to be a homeless church. OF SATAN. God is a dead beat dad! Brad Dourif gets tired of this sermon and shoots the dude. Also, it appears he's blind. And has a knife. Well, he had pretty good aim for a blind guy I suppose. Fucking LOOOOOOOL at the Jesus symbology of this dude laid out just like Jesus, complete with blood coming from his side.
SMASH CUT to a really shitty apartment complex where Chucky lives. If he's blind, why does he need to pull his blinds down? Are those Damon Kanes that are talking to him? Is it God? Oh my. The blinds open. A light shines in. What sounds like the director just garbling into amp with echo turned all the way up. Then Chucky apparently starts to cut himself.
Now some dude is jumping off a building like Batman. What the fuck is going on? Is that Michael Bay?
Holy shit, Kenny Bania is a coroner! That's gold! Bania recognizes something weird and shows us some pictures in Microsoft paint. His PC also has CSI style ENHANCE powers. Apparently an old case with this dude's mom. I think.
God damn that wig on Walken is the worst shit. He apparently has been alive since before the Big Bang. So, is he an angel? He seems like he might be an angel. And Batman seems like a Damon Kane. Regardless, they're both at the police station. They have a show down in a hall. Batman wants the heart of that dead body. "We can make it like it was before the monkeys. Remember?" LOL. Walken doesn't want to go back because he's learned to drive.
A bunch of weird flash cuts of bodies writing on each other on a hill and then what appears to be 2001 era Ozzy Osbourne in all white bringing this dead dude back to life. He breaks out of the morgue before Batman can get his heart. Batman randomly jumps because that's what Batmen do. His girlfriend doesn't take the news of her boyfriend coming back to life and walking out of the morgue very well. And by that, I mean she's about the worst actress imaginable.
It appears Bania is an amateur demonologist. He's going to crack the code of all these weird symbols. With a montage of him wring things like "Angel + Women = Bad News. VERY bad news. Basically he furiously reads the bible and writes down all the bullet points for us. While staying up all night and drinking booze straight from the bottle. A man after my own heart. Zombie dude's girlfriend comes back and they drive somewhere.
Zombie breaks into Chucky's house only to find him dead from an apparent suicide. But Chucky also apparently took the time to draw some symbol on every page of his bible in blood before he died. Even though his blood was still dripping. WHAT THE FUCK. Batman licks Chucky's EYE BALL to see what he saw. I don't want to gif that.
The zombie AGGRESSIVELY drinks coffee and eats what appears to be broccoli. They were allegedly donuts. Elsewhere, Bania and the girlfriend are at his house where he's drinking, teaching about the bible, and watering his plants.
Oh, this Damon Kane is also a magician or something. Damon and Zombie have a meeting at the donut shop. They lightly jog and both know parkour. Holy shit, missile dropkick! Walken arrives OUTTA NOWHERE to save the day. Wait. Wait. WAIT. Christopher Walken is GABRIEL. THE Gabriel. You know. The one that is all over the Bible and Quran. The messenger. That's Christopher Walken.
The fight continues in the church...thing that Zombie was killed in. Wait. Is he supposed to be Jesus? Oh. I don't think so. But Batman tells him he's supposed to be the next God. How does one react to such news? By clotheslining a biker and stealing his bike. Totally normal reaction.
This is amazing. Gabriel Walken is driving around in the desert playing his trumpet along with the radio. Everyone is driving in the desert. That's the thing to do. Girlfriend shoots Batman a few times. "FACT I'm an angel." Batman is actually Tyson Kidd and kind of hits on Girlfriend. I'm so lost. Tyson explains the angel wars and Jedi mind fucks her or something. I don't know.
Zombie and Walken meet up in the desert. Walken gives a typically weird monologue. It appears Zombie AKA Danyael is THE WORD. The message. Okay. Zombie heads out to an Indian reservation where he finds all these symbols on rocks. A girl is there. Her name is Mary. She gives him a rock. You see Girlfriend is driving Damon Kane because he can't drive and he's convinced her they're doing something good. Even though he's obviously evil as shit.
God throws a sandstorm or something. I have no idea what's happening. The big battle happens with some ancient blade that turns into a staff and the muffler from the bike. Just when you think Tyson Kidd is dead, he comes back. FACT. Girlfriend shoots him, but Daniel has been stabbed with the blade that turned into a staff and now has a hook thing on it. Then Danny rips Tyson's heart out. Well. Oh yeah Girlfriend is pretty much dead from a car wreck.
Suddenly it is night and Danyael finds an angel fossil. Just out in the open. In the desert. Which then comes to life and turns into Ozzy. I guess this is the devil or some shit. "Fuck you." Dan stabs Ozzy in the chest with the staff thing, which is then struck by a shockingly long bolt of lightning. The king is dead. Long live the king. Or some shit. Gabe Walken becomes an angel again, resurrects Girlfriend, and turns into doves.
Credits come up at 79 minutes and 54 seconds. 5 stars. You'll notice that there is not a single character that has a last name in this.