007 Casino Royale (2006)

Starring:

Plot:

Armed with a licence to kill, Secret Agent James Bond sets out on his first mission as 007 and must defeat a weapons dealer in a high stakes game of poker at Casino Royale, but things are not what they seem.


This literally isn't your father's Bond. In the cold opening, which is in black and white, Bond isn't even a 00 yet.  He's in the office of a MI6 member who is selling secrets.  Bond kills him, which gets him his second kill and promotion to 00. The barrel shot is actually part of the cold opening that segues right into the title sequence.

Chris Cornell, fully animated sequence based around playing cards.  It's pretty rad.  Stylish as fuck.

If you take a life do you know what you’ll give?
Odds are, you won’t like what it is
When the storm arrives, would you be seen with me?
By the merciless eyes of deceit?

I’ve seen angels fall from blinding heights
But you yourself are nothing so divine
Just next in line

Arm yourself because no-one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can’t deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?

The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name

If you come inside things will not be the same
When you return to the night
And if you think you’ve won
You never saw me change
The game that we all been playing

I’ve seen diamonds cut through harder men
Than you yourself
But if you must pretend
You may meet your end

Arm yourself because no-one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can’t deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?

The coldest blood runs through my veins

Try to hide your hand
Forget how to feel
Forget how to feel

Life is gone with just a spin of the wheel
Spin of the wheel

Arm yourself because no-one else here will save you
The odds will betray you
And I will replace you
You can’t deny the prize it may never fulfill you
It longs to kill you
Are you willing to die?

The coldest blood runs through my veins
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name
You know my name

We head to Uganda where Hannibal Lector (who has asthma) is making a deal with Kamala. Then we head to Madagascar where people are betting on a snake and mongoose fight. So sick of all these mother fucking snakes.  I HATE SNAKES. STOP PUTTING BIG ASS SNAKES FILLING UP THE FUCKING SCREEN, YOU BROCCOLI MOTHER FUCKERS. This leads to the first chase scene in this continuity, which heads through the jungle and up a construction site.  Bond gets to drive an excavator, I believe a first in the series.  This black dude knows parkour like a mother fucker. Wait, is this dude Spiderman?  I like how they point out the difference in this Bond.  Spiderman is doing all this flashy and athletic shit and Bond is just smashing through things like a tank. He's a bad mother fucker. This chase was dope.  Explains everything you need to know about this Bond and the reboot series in general.

Oh wait, Hannibal's eye bleeds, too?  Weirdo. M (still played by Judy Dench despite a continuity reboot) is PISSED that Bond killed a dude on camera AND broke into her apartment.  Did Bond call her mom, ma'am, or mum?  

Is Bond driving a Prius in the Bahamas?  Wait a second.  He actually does some spy shit.  He's also a beautiful man in MUCH better shape than any of the previous Bonds. And coincidentally, the objectification is on his body, not random women. Gambling with a villain?  NO way.  Although it is Texas Hold 'Em instead of baccarat.  He wins the dude's money, car (1964 Ashton Martin) and then convinces his girl to come with him. 

These two dudes end up getting into a knife fight at a Bodies: The Exhibition.  Bond wins.  Mother fucker ALWAYS wins. Another bad dude tries to blow up a plane at Miami Airport.  Bond chases him all around. This mother fucker runs more than Tom Cruise. Bond saves the day but it appears he was the one up to no good and he's arrested.  And then the mother fucker blows shit up anyway. And by shit, I mean himself because Bond hooked the bomb to the guy.

Jimmy returns to the Bahamas to find the lady he banged has been killed.  Of course.  Has the first woman he bangs ever not died in a movie? Anyway, M gets a micro chip implanted in Bond's arm to be able to track him at all times. Basically everything you need to know about Bond is laid out on a train scene where he and a lady psychoanalyze each other.  Orphan, poor, chip on his shoulder from being poor at a rich school.

Another poker scene.  This time the high stakes with Hannibal.  And everyone knows who James Bond is.  Of course.  He's given a code name and doesn't even use it. So the dudes from Africa are back and try to get their money owed to them by Hannibal.  This turns into a fight with Bond because of course. Bond kills a dude with a rear naked choke.  After this, he has a moment in his room after cleaning up of clear self loathing for his job and being a killer. This is despite earlier in the movie showing clear delight at killing people/watching them die.  I guess being hands on was a lot harder for him. The woman also was wrecked by it all and has a full on "just got raped" shower scene.  Bond consoles her in a way that I don't think any of the other Bonds could have done, because they would have immediately tried to fuck her. He didn't.  He just sits in the shower with her.


80 million dollar hand?  Holy balls. Bond loses the hand like a cunt.  So the British government just gave $80M to a known terrorist. Way to go, dick. Now that he's out of money, Felix Leiter of the CIA stakes him and offers to let him keep the won money as long as the CIA gets the credit on the capture.  How weird.  90 minutes in and I can follow the plot. First time for everything, I suppose.

Then his drink gets spiked and he has to use a defibrillator on himself to prevent a heart attack. Oh shit.  The button didn't work. Good thing the broad was there to save him. It's okay.  After the heart attack he won a pot of like $150 million.

Oh no, the guy helping Bond this whole time was really helping Hannibal.  SWERVE! Bond then gets tortured and it gets awkward. Bond is stripped naked and tied to a chair with the seat cut out.  And then Hannibal has a big rope that he swings and repeatedly smashes Bond's balls.  It's...awful.  This is the worst torture scene I think I've ever seen.  Please stop it. Thank god, some mystery dude comes in and shoots Hannibal in the head. That was too much for me.

Bond convalesces for what appears to be quite a while.  He's given his money from the poker game. Apparently, his junk works again. The following love scene and music especially feels extremely out of place. Bond resigns to go be in love and shit.  I don't think that is going to end up well.

Turns out she was SWERVING him and tried to give his money to some other criminal. It turns out she did that because her boyfriend was being held hostage by the group behind Hannibal.  Also, she dies. She also made the deal for the money in exchange for Bond's life as well.  So many SWERVES.  The movie ends with him about to kill the dude behind it all and dropping the "Bond. James Bond" line.


This movie is DOPE.  Holy shit.  It's fucking rad.  Daniel Craig is excellent.  The take on Bond is excellent.  The action is excellent.  It's rad. It's stylish as fuck.  So well made.  Except for those last 20 minutes.  The movie just fell off a cliff with that shit.  It all felt so out of place.  I actually thought it was going to end up being a dream sequence after the torture stuff.  And then it wasn't and I really didn't like ANY of that.  Basically everything after the torture scene I would have cut out.  Really hampered my enjoyment.  But it's still dope.  Most definitely recommend it. 

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