007 The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

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Plot:

Bond is led to believe that he is targeted by the world's most expensive assassin and must hunt him down to stop him.

Oh shit.  There is Tattoo from Fantasy Island!  And he's a butler, on an island.  CHRISTOPHER FUCKING LEE!  OH SHIT. And he has three nipples. Uh. Shit man, I think Tattoo just set Dracula up.  Little prick.  Who is this gangster trying to kill Dracula?  Why is Tattoo SWERVING Dracula?  Now what the fuck.  The room has turned into a fun house.  What is going on?  2SPOOKY4ME. Now it's a saloon and...what the fuck is going on?  Wait. Did Christopher Lee just have heelies on?  Oh.  This was all a training simulation?  Why is there a wax statue of Bond in this dude's...whatever the fuck it is?

Title sequence.  Yo, this song is FIRE. Reminds me of the title music for Friday the 13th Part 3. 

He has a powerful weapon
He charges a million a shot,
An assassin that’s second to none,
The man with the golden gun.

Lurking in some darkened doorway,
Or crouched on a roof top somewhere,
In the next room, or this very one
The man with the golden gun.

Love is required whenever he’s hired,
It comes just before the kill.
No-one can catch him, no hit man can match him
For his million dollar skill.

One golden shot means another poor victim,
Has come to a glittering end,
For a price, he’ll erase anyone
The man with the golden gun.

His eye may be on you or me.
Who will he bang?
We shall see. Oh yeah!

Love is required whenever he’s hired,
It comes just before the kill.
No-one can catch him, no hit man can match him
For his million dollar skill.

One golden shot means another poor victim,
Has come to a glittering end,
If you want to get rid of someone,
The man with the golden gun
Will get it done
He’ll shoot anyone
With his golden gun.

Christopher Lee is Scaramanga and Bond knows EVERYTHING about him from birth.  Born and raised in the circus, has a golden gun, a third nipple. Bond is taken off his mission because Dracula wants to kill him and MI6 can't risk it.

TO BEIRUT!  Belly dancers!  Creepy fat bald dudes!  Everything you could want. As it turns out, the bullet that killed 002 (the reason why Bond is in Beirut) is in the belly button of this dancer.  He tries to get it out of her by going down on her when the goons burst in and he swallows it.  Then he beats the SHIT out of these dudes.  Never seen Moore so violent. Low blows, ramming heads into walls repeatedly, spraying hair spray in eyes, heads through mirrors. He apparently gets it removed and doesn't shit it out. Q Branch is able to figure out who made the bullet and off to Macau we go.

He finds the dude who makes the golden bullets for the golden gun and threatens to SHOOT HIM IN THE DICK for the information.  Then he watches a woman shower and almost breaks her arm for info on the Dracula.  Then he slaps the shit out of her.  The fuck, Roger? This is not at all what I'd expect out of one of his movies.

So Dracula kills the wrong dude and Bond is arrested.  Then he's with the girl that Bond slapped and I'm pretty sure he has put that gun inside her before.  He's upset she isn't into it this time. It turns out this dude who arrested Bond brings him to some boat that is slanted and like...half American/half Chinese.  M and Q are there.  M is being a TOTAL CUNT, saying he wished Dracula DID have a hit out on Bond. 

Oh my god.  There is a totally naked women swimming in the pool who you can totally see her vagina.  Her name is CHEW MEE.  Bond has a fake nipple on to make people think he's Dracula. So Bond is walking around this place where all the statues are actually people.  He gets into a fight with some sumo wrestlers. He grabs HANDFULS of dat ass. And then Tattoo almost kills him with a trident.  This movie is fucking weird.

Bond is a real piece of shit.  Cheating at this...karate tournament he's forced into.  I think.  I don't know what's going on any more.  This is actually much longer than most of the movies before I lose what the fuck is happening. And now these teenage girls are kicking everyone's ass.

Bond escapes on a boat.  Some kid trying to sell a wooden elephant jumps onto his boat. The boat stalls.  Bond says he'll pay the kid a bunch to fix the boat.  The kid fixes it and he SHOVES HIM OUT OF THE BOAT.  Holy shit this Bond is such a shitheel.  It's amazing.


WTF the racist as shit sheriff from Live and Let Die makes a cameo as a tourist during this scene. Oh.  It's not a cameo.  He gets his own scene.  Fuck.  "If ya got ya little pointy heads outta them PAHjammas, you wouldn't be late for work!"  Whose fucking idea was it to bring that cunt back? Then an elephant tries to pick pocket him. Then the elephant shoves him in the water for calling it ugly.  What in the flying fuck am I watching?

Bond is about to bang his co-worker when the other woman shows up and he bangs her instead.  Also, I think we've moved to Thailand at some point. You can tell by the MOOEY TIE fights.

Oh shit, the girl is dead at the fights and Dracula is next to Bond.  They introduce themselves. "There's a midget with a gun on him!"  "A midget?!" Uguuuu, Bond steals a car from a dealership, one that happened to have the racist sheriff in it.  This is to chase Tattoo and Dracula because they have his coworker in the trunk. So Bond does a barrel roll over a river, complete with Southern accent and inexplicable slide whistle. Thankfully, the sheriff is arrested before he can shit up the world.

Dracula and Tattoo turn their car into a plane and bail out.  This movies is insane.  So shit now goes to China, where the car plane flew to.  Bond and Dracula hang out on Dracula's island, where Dracula has a bunch of reactors or some shit.  Electricity generators or something. They're basically like ARC reactors and he's going to sell them or something.  Doesn't seem like a bad guy to me. He is going to supply the world with infinite renewable solar energy.  Oh wait.  He's weaponized it.  Never mind.  

Dracula decides they should have a duel.  It appears Tattoo is going to SWERVE Dracula again, but maybe he's SWERVING the SWERVER. Turns out he was indeed SWERVING Bond and we're back at the fun house/saloon/mirror/gym place.  Bond wins after pretending to be his own wax statue and shooting Dracula in the heart.

A dude trying to rape Goodnight ends up getting knocked into the reactor things, which throws the temperature off, which eventually causes a melt down. The movie ends with Bond and Goodnight trying to fuck, only for it to be interrupted with a Looney Toons fight with Tattoo.  THEN they fuck.  The End.  

Bond Girls:

Mary Goodnight is fucking USELESS.  She works for MI6, yet is a complete moron who is afraid of EVERYTHING, fucks up EVERYTHING, and wants nothing more than to bang Bond, even when he bangs someone else IN FRONT OF HER.  She looked good, though.  Andrea Anders is also useless and is just there to get killed. CHEW MEE is straight up naked as fuck and you can absolutely see her vagina quite clearly in the water, but she's just in there for that scene.

Mary Goodnight

Mary Goodnight

Andrea Anders

Andrea Anders

Chew Mee

Chew Mee

This movie is insane.  Like, holy shit.  Moore is a HUGE cunt to everyone, slapping women, throwing kids out of boats, threatening to shoot dudes in the dicks, literally throwing one woman out of his bed to fuck another.  All these weird kung fu movie rip offs.  Grabbing sumo wrestler asses.  Everything about Tattoo and Dracula.  Why does Dracula have three nipples?  Why does he have a weird fun house that he kills people in?  Why in the holy fuck did they bring back the sheriff?  God, that was awful.  This movie...I absolutely recommend it just to see how bat shit it is.

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