007 Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Starring:

Plot:

A diamond smuggling investigation leads James Bond to Las Vegas, where he uncovers an extortion plot headed by his nemesis, Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

Cold opening has Bond traveling the world looking for Blofeld.  Sean Connery is back in the role and chokes a broad with her bikini top.  Elsewhere, Blofeld is looking to have a nose job and ends up BERRIED in mud or something.  Goop.  Oh shit, that wasn't him.  SWERVE.  It was just a Doombot. A guard reaches for Bond's gun only to find a MOUSE TRAP!  Blofeld is melted in shitty mud or something.

Title sequence has diamonds everywhere. The song sure sounds like it is about vaginas.  Blofeld's cat being prominently featured in the credits probably enforces this.  It's okay. Shirley Bassey kills it as usual, though.

Diamonds are forever,
They are all I need to please me,
They can stimulate and tease me,
They won’t leave in the night,
I’ve no fear that they might desert me.

Diamonds are forever,
Hold one up and then caress it,
Touch it, stroke it and undress it,
I can see ev’ry part,
Nothing hides in the heart to hurt me.
I don’t need love,
For what good will love do me?
Diamonds never lie to me,
For when love’s gone,
They’ll lustre on.

Diamonds are forever,
Sparkling round my little finger.
Unlike men, the diamonds linger;
Men are mere mortals who
Are not worth going to your grave for.
I don’t need love,
For what good will love do me?

Diamonds never lie to me,
For when love’s gone,
They’ll lustre on.
Diamonds are forever, forever, forever.
Diamonds are forever, forever, forever.
Forever and ever.

In the exposition scene, M is quite pleased that Bond doesn't know much about diamonds.  I don't know why he dislikes Bond so much.  He's the best agent and always gets the job done.  And gets the best jobs.  That's a blowjob joke. You get to learn all about diamonds.

So..are these two dudes killing with scorpions and bombs brothers or gay lovers? Or both?  A couple of jokes are made about Connery's absence in the previous movie.  The movie, instead of going to the diamond mines area in South Africa, goes to Holland.  Those assholes and their stucco floors. 

Hovercrafts!  Bond series loves Hovercrafts. Bond meets up with some broad who goes from blonde to brunette in seconds and James makes a pubes joke. This dame has a camera that takes pictures of finger prints and then a machine to compare prints. And now she's a red head. There kind of aren't gadgets, apparently.  A phone call to Q reveals a car getting fitted with missiles in the background and Bond had used a latex thumb print to get past that lady, but Bond isn't given anything...because they aren't even in the same country.

Fight scene in a tiny elevator. I feel like there might be a theme of "Bond is getting older" in this.  He had a lot of trouble with this dude and was sloppy, causing the fight to begin with. The creepy dudes are on the plane with Bond and the lady and appear to definitely be gay based on a "She's quite attractive...for a woman" type of joke. For now, Bond is pretending to be the guy he's killed brother in order to smuggle diamonds in to the US with help of the CIA.  Or something.  It's 30 minutes in and around 30 minutes is where I lose the plot in pretty much every Bond movie.

We're introduced to PLENTY O'TOOLE, who helps Bond gamble with fake money he made from his deal with fake diamonds at the funeral home. Just when you think they're going to bone, the diamond dudes are in the room.  "I'm afraid you've got me with more than my hands up."  That's a dick joke, friends. Yo wtf they threw he out of the hotel window.  Luckily there was a pool.  That they didn't know about.  Shit. But then the other girl is in his bed and they bang.


There is a circus and casino and an elephant playing a slot machine.  And...a black woman who transforms into a gorilla...in a cage...WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUCK?!?!?!

Bond slaps the wig lady for not telling him what he wanted to hear.  At least he didn't rape her afterwards. 

So Bond breaks into a nuclear something and then onto the set of a space movie or something.  Is this shit Pee-Wee's Big Adventure?  He just stole a moon rover. This leads to a chase scene in the desert with the rover and 3 wheelers.  This actually continues into Vegas proper and at night with cops and shit.  Bond is able to drive on two wheels for significant amounts of time.  On both sides.  At will apparently.

OH SHIT.  It's Blofeld!  And another one!  SHIT.  And now Bond is kicking cats and shit.  "...but wrong pussy."  Of course, Bond is almost killed and captured by those gay dudes. They leave him for dead in a tube in the desert where the next day, he almost gets ground up in some construction machinery.

And now there are two ladies named Bambi and Thumper. They kick Bond's ass. Just beat the dog shit out of him.  He nearly drowns them.  They don't bang.

Q uses one of his gadgets to hit jackpots on a whole line of slot machines. Blofeld then escapes the casino dressed in drag. And now there is a space ship and satellite.  What.  What?  What.  What?

And now a US missile blows up and a Russian sub is blown up.  Shit.  Someone is trying to start a war, I think.  I have zero clue what is going on now.  I was listening to a podcast and saw Bond being dropped into a giant floating ball into the ocean to Blofeld's lair on an ocean sea rig.

LOL he just randomly walks up to the girl and calls her a bitch, then slips a cassette tape into the back of her bikini. He also calls her a stupid twit when she fucked up the plan on accident. And now there is a helicopter assault on the rig. 

Bond saves the day, although Blofeld gets away. The gay dudes are in their room and tries to kill them.  One gets lit on fire and the other gets a bomb tied to his balls and flipped over board.

Bond Girls:

Plenty O'Toole might be the most useless Bond girl in the series.  She's there just to bang Bond, they end up not banging, she gets thrown out the window into a pool, and the next time you see her she's dead.  And Bond doesn't give a shit at all. Bambi and Thumper were both super hot and beat the SHIT out of Bond, but then were easily dispatched in a pool by...dunking their heads underwater. Like, Bond just suddenly realized he could over power them or something. Tiffany Case...Idk, she looked good, but was in the way for most of the movie and pretty much ruined the plan at the end by being dumb.  So, this wasn't a great movie for women.

Plenty O'Toole

Plenty O'Toole

Tiffany Case

Tiffany Case

Thumper and Bambi

Thumper and Bambi

 

This movie.  It's pretty insane.  Feels like it should have been a Roger Moore movie.  Everything in Vegas is just BONKERS.  The fucking moon rover chase scene, elephant in the casino, black woman in a cage turning into a gorilla.  Fuck.  That's probably as racist as the entirety of LALD, which is racist as FUCK. Still, I would recommend it.  It's fun and playful and crazy. I can't tell you what it was about.  Even after watching less than 24 hours ago and reading up on it.

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