Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992)

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Starring:

Plot:

Pinhead rips off most of the movies from the A Nightmare on Elm Street series and randomly decides to change everything about the mythology of the series and take over the world.

 

Dimension title card lets me know I'm about to see some shit. Dimension and New Line are pretty much the only logos I want to see before a horror movie.  Possibly Anchor Bay if it is a DVD. How many fucking versions of every Halloween and Evil Dead movie has AB put out?  I'm pretty sure there were legitimately at least 8 versions of Army Of Darkness alone.

Who is the man in the red boots and smoking a cigarette, you ask?  I don't know, but he has wonderful hair and a nice looking red car. Hey guys, you did a shit job of making it look like night behind the blinds. He's in some creepy art museum.  The kind of place where Clive Barker and HR Geiger would have the grossest sex possible. This dude buys a piece that has both Pinhead and the Lament Configuration on it.

Next we're shown a reporter at the morgue who is pissed about getting shitty stories. A dude is rushed into the ER full of bloody chains that drag along the floor.  SHE'S GOT TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS STORY.  This whole thing is shot and staged JUST like the scenes in ANOES 5 with Alice having dreams about Freddy being born.  The chains are electrified and blow the dude's head up.  A head explosion within the first 9 minutes is solid work.

We're in NYC.  You can tell because you get stock shots of Times Square and the WTC.  The TV people don't believe the reporter because there was no footage.  She then goes to a night club calls THE BOILER ROOM.  It has cool decorations such as baby dolls in bondage gear rapped in barbed wire.  "Excuse me. I'm looking for a pretty girl." That was enough for the bar tender to know exactly who she was talking about.  Lol.  This band RAWKS.  


Flash backs to...Vietnam I guess.  But who is having the flash back?  It wasn't a flash back, but actually a dream the reporter has about her dad who died before she was born. She's also now friends with the girlfriend of the dude whose head exploded, who happens to sit in the weirdest vagina to the camera positions. April O'Neil is going to get to the bottom of this. Oh no, she has the BOX!  Well, the version of it from the art piece.

The club owner guy is messing with the art piece he bought.  I guess I forgot to mention that the dude who bought the art piece was also the owner of the club.  Inside the piece was a big fake rat the bit him.  The blood got on the piece and then the piece came to life or something.  It was all shot like an 80s 3D movie.

Why does a woman staying at the apartment of another woman walk around in said apartment in a man's dress shirt without pants?  They aren't lesbians or anything.  Yet both of them have wet hair as if they both just took a shower and one of them is dressed in a manner that only happens when people bang and one stays the night. And why is this girl staying the night with the reporter to begin with?  They don't even know each other.

Anyway, they track down the place where the art piece was purchased, which apparently has been closed for a long time.  Then we go back to the club. The owner dude has a banging system that seems to work well.  This punk looks like Scotty Flamingo. And when he cums, he throws a Tommy Dreamer pose.  And the art piece watched the whole fuck session.

Reporter finds out about Kirsty Cotton and gets the tapes sent or something.  Then she lets the girl move in with her.  

JP Monroe reveals himself to be a creepy cunt and tells the girl he just fucked to get the fuck out now that he's done with her. As she flips out, the art piece sprouts chains and rips her skin off.  All of it.  Then eats her. A new head shows up on the piece, so I guess all the bodies on it are dead people. Now Pinhead's...head...is the only thing moving on the statue.  "Jesus Christ!" "Not quite." Oh you cheeky git. There is no good. No evil. Only flesh.  But there is a lot of stuff that isn't flesh.  Like...most things aren't flesh. Raven tries to shoot him.  It doesn't work. Pinny convinces Johnny Polo to be his helper.

Reporter watches the Kirsty tapes.  Pinhead's human form interrupts the feed.  This nWo mother fucker. Why is this girl walking around the apartment in skimpy clothes, with a sucker and a stuffed animal?  She's supposed to be at least in her early 20s.  She makes the mistake of playing with the box. Immediately, Raven calls her and gets creepy, tries to convince her to come to his place. They used to bang. It works. She KOs Raven with brass knux, but then Pinhead's head tries to Jedi mind fuck her. This dumb shit deserves everything she gets.  Why is she talking to this fucking ART PIECE with a head in it?  And she doesn't think that is weird?  Then she walks CLOSER TO IT after it tried to eat her.  So, fuck her. She deserves what she gets.  She feeds Raven to Pinhead, though. This is enough for Pinhead to be reborn, complete with weird rubber babies and amniotic fluid plopping to the floor.

Back to the dream. Now it is in WWII instead of Vietnam.  When she wakes up, Human Pinhead is on her TV asking for help. This movie...is awful. It's also shameless with how it is ripping off the ANOES series.  The shitty dream sequences, the opening scene ripping off Freddy's birth scene from ANOE5, Pinhead's actor playing a role without the make up, the killed souls showing up on the statue like on Freddy's body from 4/5/6.  Just because the ANOES series ended in 1991 doesn't mean you can just start ripping it off wholesale the next year.

Basically, Human Pinhead gives the explanation of how he became Pinhead and how to stop him, with montages and clips from the previous 2 movies.  You see, the real Pinhead is in the real world now.  Kind of like...Freddy in 1, 2, and 6.  Cunts.

And now Pinhead shows up at the club and starts killing people.  You know, like the scene in ANOES 2. He kills the dj with CDs. Shame April missed another story. Oh no, the TV was unplugged!

Wait, so Reporter and easily just go around back to the club?  Ah, you see, the TV was unplugged and that story wasn't real.  No one knows about this mass slaughter event except for her.  And now she's just walking around hundreds of dead bodies. She's handling it pretty well since these aren't even normal dead bodies, but ones that are mutilated, dismembered, one dude has pool balls stuck into his head.  And her camera man has been decapitated.  She also handles that pretty well. She also back talks Pinhead.  You'd think all of this would be unthinkably horrific, but besides a hand over the mouth, she's fine.

It appears that Pinhead can control electricity and gas lines.  And man hole covers.  The camera man is now a John Cenabite with the camera stuck in his head, which happens to shoot rockets. It can also be used like the xenomorph's second mouth. The DJ now kills people with his Kung Lao-esque CD throwing skills. And now the bartender breathes fire because why the fuck not?  This movie got absolutely insane in a hurry.

Reporter manages to find her way into a church.  The priest says Damon Kanes aren't real. Pinhead walks in.  "Then what the fuck is that?" Completely dead pan. Pinny ends up posing just like Freddy in 5.  Absolutely shameless.  Complete with the stained glass shattering and whatnot.

Reporter runs to a construction site.  Man.  This movie.  Why are there no people in this city?  Was every person in the city at the club?  She opens the box and it sucks everyone back to Hell.  Wait.  I thought opening the box brought the John Cenabites to YOU and took YOU to Hell.  

Reporter then transports to her dream and gets to meet her dad. But it was Pinhead all along.  SWERVE!  Wait.  He INCEPTED HER!  I knew Nolan was a hack.  "You bastard! You invaded my mind!" Come on.  Now Human Pinhead and Pinhead face off. They meld together, also shamelessly ripped off from when Freddy and Alice do the same thing in 5. It's likely the same effects group so it looked extremely similar. Somehow the box is turned into a knife and Pinhead gets stabbed in the heart, which sends him to Hell.  The Hellbound Heart.  GET IT?!?! She places the box in wet cement. Years later, it appears an entire building has been built with the theme of the box.

 

 

Fuuuuuuuuuuck this movie. There are a whole host of problems.

  • Absolutely shameless ripping off of MULTIPLE ANOES movies and images.
  • Absolutely terrible dialogue.
  • Terrible acting.
  • Half the movie seemed to be shot like a 3D movie from the 80s, even though this isn't a 3D movie.
  • Terrible story that seems to completely go against the mythology built in the first two movies.
  • A lot of weird CGI.
  • A lot of weird attempts at comedy that all fell flat and all were at inappropriate times that would make them not funny even if they weren't super stupid.
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