The Scorpion King 3: Battle For Redemption (2012)

 

Starring:

Plot:

Since his rise to power, Mathayus' kingdom has fallen. Now an assassin for hire, he must defend a kingdom from an evil tyrant and his ghost warriors for the chance to regain the power and glory he once knew.

 

Ooooh.  Spooky drums and vaguely Middle Eastern sounding horn.  I'm intrigued.  A man is hanging by his wrists.  He has cornrowed hair and a dude is karate kicking him.  Oh.  He's the Scorpion King?  This guy?  Really?  What happened to this weirdo's eye?  Not Rock gets reminded of all of his failures, including the death of his wife.  He doesn't like this and it inspires him to get free and kill folks. Having lost everything, he's now going to live his life as a mercenary.

Ron Pearlman is dressed like HHH at WM 22. He's the first person to hire Not Rock. At least that we see.  I assume Not Rock has had some practice. Not Rock is a terrible actor. Yikes. And he's going to be partnered up with a comedy side kick gassy warrior guy. He's annoying as shit. They get into a fight right away. This movie visually looked solid at the start, but I can see it is going to be awful. They team up to beat up some bandits.  Fucking non-stop quips.

Billy Zane shows up, rips a dude's ear off with ease, and then does a "Can you hear me now" joke.

War is being waged and whatnot. Generic swords and catapult kind of shit. But there are some grumpy elephants. So this dude can't pay Not Rock and Viking so he gives him the most hilarious painting. It's of the guy's daughter and he's actually offering her as payment.  Not Rock accepts because she's wearing some fancy dancy necklace.  But wait, the princess is in another castle and he has to go save her.  Lol.  What a rip off. And who is holding her captive, you ask?  Billy Zane, of course.

More war scenes.  A lot of people set on fire. Not Rock finds the princess and is then attacked by...NINJAS.  They steal Peach.  BUT WHOSE SIDE ARE THEY ON?!?! Kind of interesting to use the elephants in your fight choreography. I wonder how they felt about ninjas wall jumping off of them.

Zane hires Not Rock and Viking to save the Princess that he had stolen and wasn't aware Not Rock was trying to save anyway. Whattamark.gif.

The Viking guy is taking a piss (with the loudest orgasm reaction) when a ninja pops out of the water and kicks him in bullet time.  And then the rest show up, doing wire work straight out of Crouching Tiger. Ninjas seem a little out of place, right?  As it turns out, the head of the ninjas is...A WOMAN!  And that woman is THE PRINCESS!  SWERVE! It was all part of a long term plan that Not Rock just ruined.  Way to go, fuck head.

All these battles are over the book of the dead.  Not Rock ends up training with the ninjas. Billy Zane is in possession of the book and raises some undead warriors, including Kimbo Slice and Bateaster! And a lady.  They kill everyone and then are sent on their mission to get rid of the ninjas.

Kimbo as an undead African warrior against a bunch of ninjas in a jungle.  Kimbo ends up getting held up in the trees and Not Rock ROASTS that mofo.

The plan is set to bring the princess to Zane. This leads to a great sex scene between Zane and the princess. The spirit of FnP runs wild in Billy Zane, friends. Of course, it didn't take long for Not Rock and the princess to fall in love.

There is a chariot chase, dames sword fighting ,and Bateaster fighting over a book going on at the same time. It breaks down into a Zane/Not Rock fight. More of a stand off, really.  Zane gets killed by the other army.  Not Rock gets control of the book and Bateaster. Princess dad dude dies.  Not Rock becomes the king of these people.  The Scorpion King.  Love him or hate him, Ron Pearlman has to respect him. 

 

This movie could have been LEGIT if it had a better lead and cut out all the jokey shit with the Viking dude.  It has high production values, looks great, has pretty genuinely cool fight scenes, and Billy Zane is WONDERFULLY fun and playful.  The first 20 minutes or so are pretty rough, but it gets better and the seriousness of Not Rock is tied to how FnP Zane gets the longer the movie goes.  For real, Billy Zane was a blast in this.  Over all, I'd say watch it, just push through the first 20 minutes because it gets a lot better after that.  I'm kind of surprised Rock himself didn't do all these, considering it appears he doesn't turn down ANY movie that comes to him.