007 Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Starring:

Plot:

A crazy asshole of a media conglomerate tries to start World War 3 because it's ALL ABOUT DA RATINGS.

The Cold Opening starts in...no way...Russia?  I don't believe it. We talking 'bout techno terrorism up in this mug.  The military takes control from MI6, even though Bond is still in the area trying to finish his job. Turns out there are nuclear missiles on site and it is too late to abort the missiles the British army just lanuched. Bond steals the nuke jet, flies with his knees while being choked, and then ejects the back seat pilot into the other jet, which blows up.

Title sequence is by Sheryl Crow and is a all about micro chips and x rays. It's pretty solid. 

Darling I’m killed
I’m in a puddle
Waiting for you to return
Oh what a trill,
Fascinations galore
How You tease, how you leave me to burn
It’s so deadly my dear
The power of wanting you near
Until that day,
Until the world falls away
Until you say there’ll be no more good-bye’s
I see it in your eyes,
Tomorrow never dies
Darlin’ you’ve won
It’s no fun
Martinis, girls, and guns
It’s matter on our love affair
But you bet your life every night
While your chasing them on the knife
Your not the only spy out there
Until That Day
Until The World Falls Away
Until You Say There’ll Be No More Good-bye’s
I See It In Your Eyes...
Until That Day
Until That Day
Until That Day

So this whole movie is about a dude who heads up a company that puts out shitty software to force updates for years, blackmails presidents into changing cable rates by threatening to release videos of him having affairs, and by attacking English submarines and spinning the story so that China is blamed and starts WW3 so his new 24/7 cable news network will have content that gets DA RATINGS.  That is for real. Well, as it turns out, Bond use to bang that dude's wife before she was his wife.  M straight up tells him to go fuck her again to get information out of her, despite cutting him to pieces over being a womanizing, cocky piece of shit in the last movie.  Way to be a hypocrite, M.  Even better is shortly after, Bond is fucking someone else and Moneypenny makes a "You were always a cunning linguist" joke, immediately followed by a Don't ask, don't tell joke from M.

GADGETS:

BMW with GPS, rockets, machine guns, cell phone with a finger sprint scanner, stun gun, and remote for car. That's it.  Kind of disappointing. 

Carver of course finds out Bond used to fuck his wife.  Doesn't find out that he fucked her again. When he does, he has her killed. The dude sent to kill him in the hotel room ends up with Bond shooting him point blank in the head. Cold blooded. This was after a big party for the launch of the cable news network that Bond totally ruined.

The chase scene takes place entirely in a parking garage with the remote controlled car ending up crashing into an Avis store. Because it's a car rental place.  Get it?

Of COURSE the Chinese reporter actually is a special agent, and of COURSE she knows Jackie Chan-fu.  They end up running into each other a lot.  Then they get handcuffed together and the second chase scene has them on a motorcycle, still cuffed, with each holding onto one side of the handle bars and then her straddling him for better steering.  There was a HALO jump somewhere around this.  I don't remember since this movie isn't holding my attention at all.

Blah blah blah, everyone figures out Ted Turner's nefarious plans, Bond has him killed with a big drill thing that fucked up the sub at the start of the movie.

Bond Girls:

Teri Hatcher is legit there just to get fucked and die. Her acting was wooden as could be and it looked like she might have been going through some shit during the filming of the movie.  Wai Lin is a straight bad ass. She knows Jackie Chan-Fu and frequently uses it in the second half of the movie, particularly in one scene where she takes out like 5 dudes with ease. Also, her name sounds like what it looks like.

terihatcher2.jpg

It's not very interesting.  It's like a lesser Moore movie but with CGI and terrible industrial techno that is so 90s it hurts. Still, I think it was better than Goldeneye because it didn't have a character nearly as shitty and annoying as Boris.  It also doesn't feel as dated as Goldeneye.  I mean, it does, but it feels dated to early-mid 2000s instead of 1997. Goldeneye is 1995 as FUCK.  Pierce aged a lot in two years. If these two are the best Brosnan movies, I can't imagine what the next two will be like. Why couldn't they give him a good movie to be in?

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