007 Goldeneye (1995)

Starring:

 

Plot:

When a deadly satellite weapon system falls into the wrong hands, only Agent 007 can save the world from certain disaster. Armed with his license to kill, Bond races to Russia in search of the stolen access codes for "Goldeneye," an awesome space weapon that can fire a devastating electromagnetic pulse toward Earth. But 007 is up against an enemy who anticipates his every move: a mastermind motivated by years of simmering hatred.

 

 

The cold opening starts with Bond taking a swan dive down a dam, then interrupting someone taking a shit. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come.  006 and 007 meet up in a facility in the USSR and do some spy shit. 006 is caught and executed. Bond manages to ride off of a cliff on a motorcycle and catch up with a plane in nose dive and pull it up from hitting the mountains at the last second.  And he gets to see the whole facility blown to shit.

Title sequence is a lot of CGI and Cold War statues.  And Ladies.  Music is by Tina Turner.  It's pretty solid.

See reflections on the water
more than darkness in the depths
see him surface in every shadow
on the wind I feel his breath

Goldeneye I found his weakness
Goldeneye he’ll do what I please
Goldeneye no time for sweetness
but a bitter kiss will bring him to his knees

You’ll never know how I watched you
from the shadows as a child
you’ll never know how it feels to be the one
who’s left behind
You’ll never know the days, the nights,
the tears, the tears I’ve cried
but now my time has come
and time, time is not on your side

See home move through smoke and mirrors
feel his presence in the crowd
other girls they gather around him
if I had him I wouldn’t let him out

Goldeneye not lace or leather
Golden chains take him to the spot
goldeneye I’ll show him forever
it’ll take forever to see
what I’ve got

You’ll never know how I watched you
from the shadows as a child
you’ll never know how it feels to be so close
and be denied
It’s a gold and honey trap
I’ve got for you tonight
Revenge it’s a kiss, this time I won’t miss
now I’ve got you in my sight
With a Goldeneye, golden, goldeneye
with a goldeneye, goldeneye.

Next we have a "chase" scene that is really just foreplay for Bond and Jean Grey, but has the weirdest music.  It's so inappropriate and weird and bad. It sounds like something Buckethead would have made in 1993.

Listen to that shit.  Isn't it fucking GROSS?  And it's supposed to be some kind of fun, playful, and sexy thing. The next time we see Bond, he's caught up to Jean at a Burt Bacharach table. We find out that they share many of the same passions and that she likes her stuff straight up and with a twist. 

We then find that Jean is a sadist and gets off on...squeezing people to death with her legs.  Her legs don't look like they'd be big and strong enough to do that, but looks can be deceiving. She's very animalistic and weird.  Lots of yelling, screaming, and grunts. 

We're introduced to Natalya and Boris.  Boris is hacker extraordinaire who is such a great hacker that he makes sure you can see a cartoon drawing of his face on everything he does.  Because that isn't easy to trace or anything.  Let me say, right here on Legitshook.com, that the Russian accents in this movie are THE FUCKING WORST.  Jeeeeeeezus Christ are they AWFUL.  Alan Cumming's is the worst of the worst. I can't handle them.  They have to be a parody.  That's the only way I can accept those accents were allowed to stay in the movie.

Tiger makes the helicopters?  TIGER DIRECT?  I wouldn't trust that mother fucker.

M gives Bond the BUSINESS, calling him a misogynistic piece of shit, a relic of the Cold War, and that she has no issues sending him to die if that's what it takes.  She does not fuck around. Bond and the old M always had some simmering distaste for each other, but Lady M straight up thinks Bond is a sack of shit and lets him know in no uncertain terms.  She's got balls, as she herself says.

GADGETS:

Q is in a wheel chair with a cast on his foot.  It's a gun!  SWERVE!  A car with a parachute, radar, self destruct, and stinger missiles. A leather belt with a 75 feet long repelling wire.  Pen that is actually a grenade.  Also unrelated to what he's given, but a phone booth that inflates when someone they don't want using the phone, and a chair that sends you flying. This in addition to Bond's laser watch that also is a detonator.

Natasha asks for PCs with 500 megahertz drives and 14.4k modems. I supposed that was pretty dope in 1995. Also, I'm pretty sure she has no idea how to type.

OMG 006? WTF THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD LOL! What a SWERVE.  How did he survive getting shot in the head and blown up in the facility?  Anyway, 006 captures Bond and Natalya.  Bond is able to start a helicopter by headbutting it, and ejects the cockpit in the same way.  The big chase scene in this movie is actually Bond chasing the bad guys.  In a tank. 

006 throws some daggers at Bond, asking him if the martinis silence the screams of the men he's killed and if he feels guilt over all the women that have died because of him. Things eventually end up on a giant satellite spire and...shit, haven't you played the game?  You know how this ends.


Bond Girls:

Both are pretty hot.  Natalya is pretty standard damsel in distress type, despite apparently being military or at least trained in fire arms. Jean Grey was super weird.  She got off on killing people and her favorite method was crushing people with her thighs. Her scenes are very awkward due to the terrible accent and because she's always screaming, grunting, or Alan Cumming.  Minnie Driver has a cameo of a terrible singer in a Russian strip club.  I think it was a strip club.  Something similar.

 

I'm undecided on this movie.  I think Brosnan was a great Bond.  Looks the part, mixes Dalton/Connery/Moore into one package. He's also one of the best actors I've ever seen at being out of breath or in pain.  The movie surrounding him I'm not sure on.  The accents and absolutely everything about Boris puts a big damper on the movie.  Boris might be the single shittiest character in the entire series.  Man.  FUCK BORIS.  I would recommend it, though.  I think it is a step down from Licence to Kill.



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