007 Octopussy (1983)



When a "00" agent is found dead holding a Faberge egg, the British are suspicious and send James Bond to investigate. 007 discovers a connection between the priceless egg, an elaborate smuggling operation and a plot by a renegade Soviet general to instigate World War Three.


The first thing you notice is that holy shit, James Bond is old.  Roger Moore STARTED OUT looking too old and ages in dog years on top of that.  It appears to be in Cuba, or another similarly communist South/Central American country.  Bond plants a bomb and escapes in a mini personal jet.

Titles sequence is absolutely nothing to mention.  As generic as can be.  The song is also quite lame.

All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two.
Had no intention to do the things we’ve done.
Funny how it always goes with love, when you don’t look, you find.
But then we’re two of a kind, we move as one.

We’re an all time high,
We’ll change all that’s gone before.
Doing so much more than falling in love.
On an all time high,
We’ll take on the world and win
So hold on tight, let the flight begin.

I don’t want to waste a waking moment; I don’t want to sleep.
I’m in so strong and so deep, and so are you.
In my time I’ve said these words before, but now I realize
My heart was telling me lies, for you they’re true.

We’re an all time high,
We’ll change all that’s gone before.
Doing so much more than falling in love.
On an all time high,
We’ll take on the world and wait.
So hold on tight, let the flight begin.

So hold on tight, let the flight begin.
We’re an all time high.

Suddenly, a clown is being chased in the woods and he has a Faberge egg.  We later find out this was 009 undercover. Then we have a meeting with some Russian military dudes, the main one who is crazy as shit and might be the biggest scenery chewer I've seen in any of these movies. He's bonkers.

Next, we head off to India where Bond recognizes the 007 musical motif, which was being played by a snake charmer who actually was an undercover agent of Universal Exports.  This brings up a big question: Is the traditional Bond music actually a commissioned piece of music within the Bond universe?  If so, WHY? 

Bond plays a casino game with the main villain.  Why, I never. There is also a parade scene.  Why, I never.

The gadgets this time around are pretty lame. A motorize rope there just for a dick joke, a watch with a video screen for a boob joke.  Nothing impressive at all.

The big chase scene features an auto rickshaw, tennis raquet, a dude getting judo thrown onto a bed of spikes (CZFW), and ramping over a camel. 

Look, I can't lie, I completely lost the plot about 30 minutes in.  A Russian is using fake Faberge eggs to set of a bomb that would fuck NATO up or something.  No idea. It's not very interesting at all, that's for sure. It gets fucking weird and confusing as shit.  At one point, Bond is dressed up as a clown, a stuffed ape, and in a body bag.  He also gets chased through the jungle where he tells a tiger to sit (it does) and a snake to, "Hiss off" (it does). He also burns off leeches and is saved by an American tourist group, who all say, "Pal" a lot and wear hats. 

If you're wondering about the title, it is the name of the main woman in the movie.  It was a nick name given to her by...HER FATHER.  The fuck?  That is creepy as shit.  I don't like this movie. After banging her, he's fed a sheep head.  The main baddie eats the eyeball like a grape.

Later, Bond is just hanging out inside of a mechanical crocodile.  Normal day on the job. 

There are 2 sex scenes and Bond kills 15 men, none of which I can remember at all besides the bed of nails. 

Bond Girls:

Completely forgettable.  Once again, the local girls (of India) were far more impressive than the actual actresses. 

There is not much to like in this movie.  A few faces from Moore and that's it.  It falls flat at pretty much everything.  Moore was too old to put much effort in and it shows.  It's a dumb, messy story, no memorable stunts or set pieces, the women weren't special, and the music was lame.  I would not recommend this movie.