WWF King Of The Ring 1998



Headbangers/Taka Michinoku vs Kaientai

This is a "bonus" match, added the night of the show. Taka is dressed like a Headbanger. I was really hoping I was done with the Headbangers, but I guess I'm stuck with them for a while. Pieces of shit. I hate them so much. So shitty. I'd rather just watch Taka vs Kaientai. Taka pinned Funaki in a pretty unremarkable match. Kaientai should have gone to WCW. They would have been so rad mixing it up with Rey/Ultimo/Eddie/Dean/Hypno/La Parka.

Sable comes to the ring. She was recently reinstated by Mr. McMahon. Because she's best for business, I believe. JR knows a lot of men in Oklahoma would would marry Sable's dog to be a part of her family. "What?" She brings Vince and the Stooges out. Vince dismisses her. Patterson pats her ass and she slaps him. JR makes a covert gay joke. VLAD THE SUPERFAN!  What the fuck did that dude do for a job? Vince gauges what the fans want to see tonight with Austin vs Kane. They're in for a disappointment. No surprise, most of these people's entire lives have been disappointments. They were disappointments to their mothers and fathers. And their parents were disappointments to their parents. He's just trying to prepare these people for the disappointment of Austin no longer being champion. How thoughtful.

Ken Shamrock vs Jeff Jarret KOTR Semi-Finals

JJ attacks as Ken is entering the ring. Ken took a stiff dropkick to the face. Ken responds with a kick to the chest. After a distraction from Col. Parker, JJ is able to focus on Shamrock's ankle, which was injured recently by Owen Hart. I bet Vince hated everything about Col. Parker. Probably reminded him of one of his meanie step fathers. So he hates his father, hates his step-fathers, hates his mom. Apparently hates women in general. Hates rednecks. Hates black people. Hates Asians. Oh shit, jumping frankensteiner from Ken. He immediately slaps on the ankle lock and Jeff immediately taps out. Shamrock advances to the finals. Col. Parker hit the ring and got a belly to belly. Cole got some words with Shamrock, who didn't come here to be second best.

The Rock vs Dan Severn KOTR Semi-Finals

TMF mustache and music. Beast immediately scores a take down, but Rock was in the ropes. And again and again. Rock couldn't out wrestle Daper Dan, so he resorts to cheap shots. Godfather and Mark Henry distract the ref, which allows D'Lo to hit a huge Lo Down with his new chest protector (because Severn was the one who caused him to have to wear it in the first place). Rock advances to the finals. Cole got words with Rock after the match. Rock ain't playing games with these got dang shooters.

Too Cool vs Al Snow/Head Special Guest Referee Jerry Lawler

"Goes without saying, a lot of Head fans." The angle has been that Al has been badgering King to get him a meeting with Vince. If Al wins this match, he'd get that meeting. This is some Chikara shit right here. And we all know Chikara is dumb as fuck. King of course plays favorites, so this is basically a 3 on 1 handicap match. Hot tag to Head! King gets a bottle of Head and Shoulders, throws it to Brian, who then attaches it to Head (kind of ) and pins it. GET IT?!?!?! Garbage. What's the point of having a match that JR BERRIES hardcore, and then he and King BERRY it more afterwards? Why would you have an intentionally stupid and shitty match?

Owen Hart vs X-Pac

Kid starts with a baseball slide. Owen quickly starts working on the spine and neck of the recently back in action Pac. He looks really skinny. Even for him. What a dope Perfect-Plex from Owen. Kid gets sent FLYING over the time keeper's area. God damn. X-Pac is able to fight back in the ring, including hitting an X-Factor, which wasn't a finisher yet. Bronco Buster! Owen fights for a superplex. They both slip. X-Pac falls on the ropes and Owen falls back into the ring. Mark Henry runs out and gives a big splash on X-Pac. Chyna gets all up in his ass and Vader appears OUTTA NOWHERE to attack Henry. Chyna then hits the ring to DDT Owen. X-Pac crawls over and gets the win.

Paul Bearer comes to the ring. He talks about the beatings Taker has given him recently, but he wouldn't miss this show for the world.

New Age Outlaws vs New Midnight Express WWF Tag Team Championships

Man, I really hoped that the NME would have been split up by now. I'm sure they hadn't done anything to deserve a title shot. You know, I'm starting to think that Billy and Bart aren't actually brothers. No brotherly love between them. This is another "bonus" match, which means time filler. And this is definitely filler. Spot of the night goes to Chyna punching Corny right in the cunt. Outlaws won with a double team stun gun to Bob. Titles retained.

The Rock vs Ken Shamrock KOTR Finals

HHH joins for commentary. Rock and Shamrock have history going back to October/November of 1997. HHH is out there to BERRY WCW and make dick jokes. Chyna is on the Spanish announce team, because she speaks fluent Spanish. "There's a lotta bi things I am, but lingual is not one of them...Hey wait a minute, did I just say that?" Lots of stalling from Rock. He walks over to HHH, who spits water in Rock's face. The match itself is not much to speak about. "The Irishman..." Ken is adopted and clearly not Irish. Come on, Jim. Shamrock gets the ankle lock OUTTA NOWHERE to win. KING KEN! Their Rumble and WM matches were a lot more fun.

Mankind vs The Undertaker Hell In A Cell

Mankind briefly enters the cell, then walks out and throws a chair to the roof. Then he climbs up. Taker obliges to start on the roof. They almost fall through. And then Mankind gets thrown off the top. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY THAT KILLED HIM. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS HE IS BROKEN IN HALF. You forget that this was the FIRST SPOT in the match. That's probably the one bump I'll never figure out why Vince was okay with. That literally could have killed or paralyzed Mick if it had gone even slightly wrong. The monitors weren't even removed from the table.  Or he could have missed the table and landed on fans. Trainers, refs, Vince, Terry Funk, Sarge, and others come out to work on Foley. Mick is wheeled out, but gets off the stretcher half way down the aisle and climbs back to the roof. And he's promptly chokeslammed through the roof. "That's it, he's dead." "Will somebody stop the damn match? Enough's enough!" The reaction for both bumps is INSANE. Hard to think of bumps that got a bigger roar. Terry Funk gets pissy with Taker and literally gets chokeslammed out of his shoes. And somehow, Foley is standing up moments later. And he's SMILING. With a tooth in his nostril. And he's able to get offense on Taker. He's definitely half dead, though. Taker also gets busted open. Sick piledriver on a chair from Mankind. Mick gets a bag of thumb tacks from under the ring. This is NONSENSE. He ends up getting slammed and chokeslammed onto them. Taker wins with the tombstone. This shit is still crazy after all these years. There is the first bump that is crazy no matter how many times I've seen it. Then the second bump, which is arguably even worse. And then Mick is STANDING UP AND WRESTLING just a few minutes later. Then the tacks. Then you have the fans that are almost disgustingly blood thirsty. Then JR losing his god damn mind. Even King was serious. This is not a match that could happen today. The idea of the first bump wouldn't even be approved today. But then the match would have for sure been stopped after the second bump. And Mick Foley is somehow able to walk to the back.

Steve Austin vs Kane WWF Championship First Blood Match

If Kane loses this match, he has agreed to literally commit suicide by immolating himself.  THESZ PRESS THESZ PRESS RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND. The only bit of exposed skin on Kane is is left hand. How will you know if he's bleeding? After a few minutes of action, the HIAC begins to lower. Then it gets raised while Kane is stuck in the door. They brawl all over ringside and up to the stage. Sable and Vince are watching from the luxury box. After a lot of brawling, there is a ref bump. Mankind hobbles down with a chair. Stunner! The cell lowers again. Stunner to Kane! Undertaker comes back. He also has a chair. Austin has his chair. They both swing for Mankind, but Mankind ducked. Taker's chair shot was harder and sent Austin's chair back into Austin's face. This busted Austin open. Taker brings Earl back into the ring and covers him in gasoline. Kane takes Taker out with a chair. Chair shot to Kane. Earl comes to and sees Austin covered in blood and calls for the bell. NEW CHAMPION! THE DAMON KANE IS THE NEW CHAMPION!

This is one of the few Attitude Era shows where the undercard has more than one match that is fun to watch and delivers more than the main event. Owen/X-Pac, Shamrock/Jarrett, and the HIAC were fun. The main event was fine, but basically a Raw main event. Austin had been hospitalized for 3 days with a high fever due to a staph infection right before this match. The HIAC itself is still fucking crazy. Maybe even crazier than before since everything has been toned down so much in the following 18 years that something like this is completely unthinkable.