WWF King of the Ring 1995
The show starts out with some shots from the WWF blimp as Vince talks about democracy and monarchy.
TO THE BACK. Stephanie tells us that as a special Colosseum Home Video exclusive, we'll get to see Savio Vega vs IRS!!!!!!!!
Savio Vega vs IRS KOTR Qualifying Match
This match actually took place on the Free For All, so it isn't exclusive at all. It's actually the least exclusive match on the card since it was free for all. FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING MICHAEL HAYES AGAIN!??! Fucking cuuuuuunts. Vince you piece of shit. Savio starts the match with a series of near falls and roll ups. Some of the ECW faithful are in the front row, including Hat Guy. OH SHIT VLAD THE SUPERFAN! My man. No idea how Savio went from fan jumping in from the audience to being in the KOTR in a month. In fact, he got pyro in his very first match, despite being a dude who jumped the guard rail. We missed a big spot as we were being introduced to the Spanish announce team. Seems like Savio took a big bump over the ropes or something. IRS goes to the top rope. He gets a boot to the tie. IRS is shot. He put on quite a few pounds over the last year and generally looks beaten down and broken. Spinning heel kick OUTTA NOWHERE gets Savio the win and entry into the tournament.
We get the official introduction to the show. Unsurprisingly, Hayes is super excited about the kiss my foot match.
TO THE BACK. Todd gets some words with Razor and Savio. Savio is so excited. He's fiery. Because he's Latino. And he's up next, again!
Yokozuna vs Savio Vega KOTR Quarter Finals
Two in a row for Savio. I'm surprised that the Cubano Razor Ramon and Puerto Rican Savio Vega are such good friends. That's two groups of people that tend to not get along very well. Yoko gets to the early advantage, because he's FAT AS FUCK. Christ. They said he was over 600 now. Most definitely. That fat fuck. He misses an elbow and eats the turnbuckle ten times. He ducks the spin wheel kick that put IRS out. Great scouting by Jim Cornette. Hat Guy is all over Corny. Owen Hart is in a tux on a red telephone in the back. Yoko attempts the banzai squash, but Savio rolled out of the way before it could happen. NERVE HOLD!!!! My absolute least favorite rest hold. Savio fights up and gets tossed over the ropes. Yoko is gross fat. He's just a fat fuck. How do you even wash yourself when you're that big? That's going to be Roman Reigns in 2026. Yoko misses a leg drop. USA USA USA chants for the Puerto Rican against the Samoan representing Japan. Series of lariatos do nothing. Spin kick takes Yoko down. Corny gets knocked off the apron. Owen comes out and attacks Razor in his bad ribs. Everyone is on the floor now. Oh shit, the deadlocked white guy from the Eddie/Dean 2/3 falls match is also in the crowd. Savio makes it in before 10 and advances.
TO THE BACK. A nice shot of Jerry Lawler's foot. Even he's disgusted by his feet.
The Roadie vs Bob Holly KOTR Quarter Finals
Yes, Jeff Jarrett's sidekick is in the tournament, but Jeff couldn't make it in himself. Although Jeff had to face Undertaker to get in. Roadie had to face Doink. Hardcore got in by beating Mantaur. God damn what a prestigious tournament. Road Dogg runs right into a belly to belly. Near falls. Roadie bails the fuck out. Roadie gets back in, then backed into the corner, and slaps the shit out of Bob to get him angry. Shit doesn't matter. We got us a race car driver and an actual roadie up in here. We has us a flying tax man earlier. Roadie counters a rana with a powerbomb, much to the delight of the Philly crowd. I believe I see a Johnny Polo cosplayer in the crowd. Hard Irish whips. Road Dogg and his dancing. That Armstrong rhythm. Of course the Philly fans are cheering for the heel over the cartoony gimmicked face, even though the heel also has a cartoony gimmick. I'm sure they'd chant for Holly if he was a heel driver. Bobcore reverse a piledriver. Did he think no one noticed that bald spot for years? Spinning head scissors. Bob is SPEEDING UP! Powerslam for a near fall. He goes for a top rope elbow only to get a boot to the face, much like we saw in the first match. I'm pretty confident that Holly got his shoulder up, but the ref counted the fall, everyone was confused, and Roadie advances to face Savio later tonight.
TO THE BACK. Todd gets some words with the newly face HBK. He defeated King Kong Bundy to gain entry. King Shawn tonight, ladies. And dudes.
Kama vs Shawn Michaels KOTR Quarter Finals
Kama throws a black wreath that the Creatures of the Night had at ringside. Kama defeated Duke Drose to get here. This super prestigious tournament had a trash man, a tax man, a centaur, a country music superstar with no songs, a roadie to the country music superstar with no songs, a zombie, a race car driver, a clown, and a male stripper eligible for it. New Generation is just the best, isn't it? WWF missed HBK's in ring presence over the last few months. HBK's quickness frustrates Kama. Kama's great fighting skills aren't doing dick for him. HBK skins the cat and then back drops Kama to the floor. Shortly after, HBK gets clotheslined to the floor. Bear hug ram into the post. Joe Frazier just hanging out in the crowd, wondering why all these punches look so terrible. Kama slowly kicks and punches HBK in the gut for what feels like the next 8 hours. Canadian back breaker. Shawn kicks off the turn buckle and gets out of it. But the Flair Flip sends HBK back to the floor. Ted takes a few cheap shots. We get to see part of Shawn's hams and that is definitely the highlight of the show so far. The bow and arrow back breaker is kind of sensual. Especially as Kama keeps his hand moving on HBK's thigh and hip bone. I'm getting all chubbed up. Oh my. He's so delicate with that hand. I can tell Kama is a supreme loving machine. The honey moon is over as HBK comes back into the match with a springboard forearm OUTTA NOWHERE. Diving lariato. HE'S KIPPING UP! Stomp to the face. Full mount. Ground and pound! It is ALLLLLLLL OVER. WAITNOIT'SNOT. We're down to one minute left in the time limit. 30 seconds. Series of near falls. 10 seconds. OH GOD DAMN IT SHAWN WAS ONE SECOND AWAY FROM WINNING WHEN THE TIME RAN OUT. Time limit draw. Both men are out of the tournament. Kama attacks after the match and eats a superkick. HBK going from winning the Rumble to a title match at WM to not being able to beat Kama makes him look weak as shit and doesn't do anything to make Kama look like a killer. Best of all, after being pissed, HBK then decides "eh, whatevs" and doesn't seem to care about any of this.
TO MR. BACKLUND. Mr. Bob walks around Philly while campaigning to maybe run for president. Just wandering around, saying crazy shit to random people. I wonder if they got permits for that filming. Vince asks Carlos Cabrera how he would feel about Bob Backlund running for president. He also asks Raymond Rougeau, neither of which appear to say anything about Backlund, and no doubt Vince had no idea what they were saying anyway.
Mabel vs The Undertaker KOTR Quarter Finals
Stephanie caught up to Mabel as he was nearing the ring. I'm expecting a 5 star classic. Taker has the early offensive. Down goes Mabel. Old School. Terrible Boss Man Slam from Mabel. More like a falling hug. Taker gets tied up in the ropes just like Earl Hebner was at In Your House, where an 11 year old from Nevada won the In Your House Raffle For A House At In Your House in Orlando. How can an 11 year old win a house and property like that? How does that kid pay for the taxes? Could an 11 year old legally buy a house if they somehow had the money? Belly to belly. Camel clutch. It isn't even a camel clutch. It's Mabel sitting his fat ass down on Taker's back. Then Taker is thrown back to the floor. Mo gets some cheap shots. This is somehow worse than Yoko vs Savio. Piledriver from Mabel. That came about from Taker thinking he was going to back drop Mabel. Mid ring collision. Stinger Splash from Taker. Ref bump. Chokeslam! Kind of. Kama runs out and attacks. Mabel gets the win with a leg drop. Mabel advances all the way to the finals.
TO THE HALL OF FAME. A couple of losers like George Steele and Moolah were inducted into the HOF the night before. Undertaker used to make appearances at those. Bret Hart had a brief moment of happiness, the only time it was ever caught on camera.
Savio Vega vs The Roadie KOTR Semi Finals
Quick Roadie promo before the match. Again, Jeff Jarrett's sidekick is in the semi finals of the most prestigious tournament of the year, but Jeff Jarrett isn't. Nor is he defending his title. He's there being sidekick to his sidekick. The third time I get to see Savio tonight. Roadie is quickly dumped to the floor. Roadie gets on the offense with the Shake, Rattle, and Roll. Razor prevents JJ from getting involved. Second rope diving headbutt from Road Dogg. I'm still confused at why Road Dogg is booked better than Jeff Jarrett and why this show is built around a complete unknown who made his debut a month prior by jumping the guard rail. Or why Owen and Bulldog had a 15 minute draw, so neither were in the tournament, and neither got on the card to do anything. Or why Razor and Kid were both "injured" and not wrestling. That's four of the top New Gen guys not wrestling. Jeff Jarrett isn't wrestling, and Bret Hart is in a terrible gimmick match with Jerry Lawler. Anyway, Savio wins with a roll up and advances to the finals. Carlos Cabrera got some words with Savio in Spanish. Hayes popped up to "translate" and made a bunch of shit up, including "I'm going to stop stealing hubcaps". What a surprise, Michael Hayes says something racist. Dok Hendrix was a face.
Jerry Lawler vs Bret Hart Kiss My Foot Match
There is still an hour left in this show. Bret and King never had a good match together. It makes no fucking sense. Maybe their matches in Memphis were better. I didn't enjoy a single one they had over 3 years in WWF. Bret knocks the shit out of King for a bit before King sends him hard into the ring steps. Piledriver. Another. A third. Bret kicks out! And he's up! And now he's on the floor. And now King's boot is off, showing his dirty, holey, gross sock. This is stupid and I want this show to end. Hakushi and Sato are out. King accidentally gets hit. Bret hits the 5MOD and wins with the Sharpshooter. Bret stuffs his foot in King's mouth. King almost throws up. Then Bret shoves King's own foot in King's own mouth and King does throw up.
Some PR on the WWF/Special Olympics relationship.
Mabel vs Savio Vega KOTR Finals
The fourth god damn time seeing Savio. The second time seeing Mabel. I wish I still drank. This isn't even like a terrible WCW trainwreck kind of show. It's just a terribly boring, stupidly booked show. A show built around a brand new guy who to the best of everyone's knowledge was just a fan a month ago, wrestling 4 times in one night while Razor, Owen, Bulldog, and Kid aren't wrestling at all. A show where Mabel does double duty. A show where HBK is eliminated with a time limit draw and can't get a good match out of someone. A tournament where centaurs, race car drivers, fans, rappers, country music singers, trash men, tax men, zombies, male strippers, clowns, and roadies are all involved. A show where the KOTR final isn't even the main event. A show where TATANKA is in the main event. A show where you take great wrestlers like Bret Hart and Jerry Lawler and have then in a match based around kissing feet. There is a match going on, but I can't see it. All I see a purple balloon deflating on a red, black, and green blob. This multi-colored blob has done a spin wheel kick 4 times tonight. I've seen all of them. Each time I see it, my existential crisis worsens. I fall deeper into the abyss. I feel as if I am on the edge of something I will never be able to come back from. I stare into the abyss. The abyss is too disgusted to stare back. I see nothing but darkness and emptiness. Blank. Nothing. Mabel is the king of the ring. Razor gets a beat down after the match. 123 Kid runs out for a save and similarly gets squashed, much like the crushing feeling in my mind's eye. It wraps around my entire body, enveloping me with a sense of fear and dread. Of panic. Of the unknown. Will I ever escape this feeling? Will I ever know for certain what this feeling is?
TO THE BACK. Jerry Lawler brushes his teeth, drinks mouth wash, and throws up more. He is externalizing my internal feelings. Elsewhere, Stephanie speaks with Ted DiBiase, Tatanka, and Sid. Elsewhere elsewhere, Todd spoke with Diesel and Bam Bam. This is Diesel's first match back after reconstructive elbow surgery, and it is also the first time for Diesel and Bam Bam to tag up. They're over 220% tonight.
Tatanka/Sid vs Diesel/Bam Bam Big Yellow
Tatanka is main eventing a PPV. One of the big 5. Not an In Your House. Action starts right away. The match is in turmoil. I feel the turmoil inside of myself. Much like a semi truck driving into the flame kissed edges of a psycho world, with Native Americans in war paint waiting to rain down arrows upon my heart. There is not enough road left to brake before the flames. There is no stopping. I must plunge head first into this world. This corporate world with burning Indians, psycho truck drivers, and darkness just on the other side. A cavernous world where actions do not have equal reactions. A world where there is no light to counter the darkness. This world has no beginning. It has no end. All it has is a dark beast waiting in a corner, salivating at the thought of another lost soul, it's only power source being fear and dejection. This is the world I have entered. This is the world I can not exit. I am forever trapped in a sea of instability and gnashing. Each limb is not bitten off, but slowly chewed until there is no muscle on the bone. The bones are broken and smashed to dust. And then, my eternal resting place becomes a pile of dust on a shelf in a world of darkness, never to be seen or thought of again. Diesel pins Tatanka.
One of the worst PPVs of all time, from any company ever. Absolute soul crushing garbage.