WWF King Of The Ring 2001

To start the show, DDP's music hits, and he comes to the ring out of the crowd. So...he has music and a Titan Tron video, and he's given a mic. No security or anything. Paul points out that he's a WCW contracted employee, but he has his a custom music video and new music. Shane's doing? DDP insinuates that he has xxx rated footage of Sara that he jerks off to. DDP is so corny. Maybe if he was trying to be serious instead of being cheesy as fuck like it is 1991 again, this angle could have gone somewhere. He'll be in the front row with a MAKE ME FAMOUS sign. JR explains that Taker made sure Vince allowed DDP "full access". Do you think Taker created that song? Or do you think he commissioned Jim Johnston to put out one of his least inspired production tracks in years?

 
 

Kurt Angle vs Christian King Of The Ring Semi-Finals

Christian attacks before his music even stops. Good plan. Kurt didn't like it and does a crazy double leg throw. That shit was dope. Kurt potentially has 3 matches tonight, one of which is a non-tournament street fight with noted daredevil Shane McMahon. There are chants for Angle in this. Kurt looks like he breaks his nose on the ring steps. I bet that fucking hurt. Kurt was just such a physical specimen in 2001. And he is maybe the best dude ever at being able to switch from goofy comedy dork to vicious killer in the ring. Shane comes out in an attempt to distract Kurt. Kurt gets Christian in the ankle lock...Christian makes it to the ropes, so Kurt pulls him up into the Angle slam, which is countered into the Unprettier, but Shane pulls Christian out before the 3 count. Kurt then does the Angle Slam from the apron to the ring to get the win and advance to the finals. He'll now have an extra match tonight, making him more worn out for the match with Shane. What a son of a bitch! Very fun opening match that has implications on the rest of the show, plus made Christian look great and every bit capable of beating former WWF champs on his own. 


TO THE COACH. Coach tries to get some words with Stone Cold. Steve just wants to know where Vince is. There are rumors that Jericho or Benoit are planning to take the WWF Championship to WCW should they win it tonight. 

TO THE DANGER ZONE. Paul Heyman leaves the announce table to to get words with DDP. While DDP is talking, a video of him eating and reading the paper is shown on the screen. DDP doesn't find it amusing. IRONY.



Edge vs Rhyno King Of The Ring Semi-Finals

Rhyno gets a much bigger reaction than Edge. SPEAR VS GORE. Christian is so clearly better than Edge at everything. It's still shocking to me that Edge ended up as the 11 time champ and main event star for years. There is literally nothing Edge does better than Christian, and he's a weird looking dude to on top of that. He's slightly taller, but looks like a fucking caveman. His in ring work is far behind Christian's, and Christian was so much funnier/goofier/cooler than Edge. That continues all the way up to the Edge and Christian Show That Totally Reeks Of Awesomeness, where Edge is PAINFULLY uncool and unfunny. Fuck Edge. Rhyno focuses on the mid section for most of the match, presumably to make the GORE GORE GORE more impactful. He actually hits the Superfly Splash, which I think is the only time I've seen him connect with it. Rhyno has been positioned VERY well, considering he didn't even debut until March. In those 3 months, he's scored multiple wins over guys like Jericho, Kane, the Hardy Boys, Test, Tazz, E&C, and is now at a point where he's more over than the clearly face turning Edge at KOTR. All in 3 months. And he's about to have an even crazier few months. There was a pretty neat spot of both guys trying their version of the spear at the same time, but this is definitive not nearly as good as Angle/Christian. I'm going to blame it on Edge, even though I know Rhyno isn't as good as Angle. Fuck off, and fuck Edge. The turnbuckle pad that Rhyno exposed comes back to haunt him, and then he's hit with an Impaler that makes Paul scream "JESUS". It was okay, I guess. 


EARLIER TONIGHT. On Heat, Spike was asked about the Dudleys becoming the new tag champions. Spike challenged them to a title match tonight, and went to find a partner.

TO THE BACK. JR asks Spike if he's found a partner. Spike has, but it is a big surprise. The Dudleys show up and call Spike a disappointment.

TO THE TAZZ. Tazz went from trying to get into the KOTR to being an interviewer at the event itself. He asks Jericho about the WCW rumors. Jericho says YES...that he was aware of the rumors. NO...he was not aware that Tazz knew of the rumors. He gave no answer, but did say that WCW didn't seem so bad with an actual owner like Shane.


Dudley Boyz vs Spike Dudley/Kane WWF Tag Team Championships

What I'd like to know is why Kane wasn't defending his IC title at the show to begin with. This match can get fucked. ALL Dudley bros can get fucked. GET FUCKED. Kane...well, I am tired of Kane, but in 2001, he was probably at his biggest and best. Still, I don't want to see him mixing it up with anyone having the surname of "Dudley". Dudleys win clean with the 3D on Spike. Titles retained. Post match sees them try to put Spike through a table, only for Bubba to get chokeslammed through it. 


TO THE BACK. Christian offers Edge good luck, even though Edge was being a dick.

Another stalker video of DDP is shown.  

TO WWF NEW YORK. Billy Gunn is at WWF New York, and he's not pleased that he went from being the KOTR in 1999 to not only not being in the tournament this year, but being at the fucking restaurant being asked about the KOTR.


Kurt Angle vs Edge King Of The Ring Finals

Before the match starts, Kurt apologizes for getting mad at Edge last week and doesn't want anything to get in the way of their friendship. Kurt then asks Edge to lie down for him, since he's going to win anyway, so Kurt can be fresh for his match with Shane. "Come on, I think I know you." LOL. Kurt was really just amazing around this time. It's hard to find a guy as funny as him in general, even among comedy characters, but it is impossible to find a guy as funny as him who was as good in the ring as him. Edge didn't take kindly to the proposition. The crowd is kind of dead for this, mostly because Edge is actually the least over guy of the four competing tonight. The first big salvo of the match is Kurt hitting a crazy belly to belly over the ropes to the floor that even Kidman would have complained about. This works double since Edge's ribs were worked over in the match with Rhyno. I'm just not buying Edge here. I'm not sure the live crowd is either. They seem more on Kurt's side than Edge. Edge could have had the match won, had Christian not jumped up on the apron and distracted the ref. There is a ref bump, and Edge clearly taps to the ankle lock. Shane comes out of the crowd to hit the spear on Kurt. Edge then hits the Impaler to become KOTR, but as soon as the 3 count hits, cameras cut to Shane celebrating. In fact, Edge winning was really an afterthought. The whole thing seemed just like more build to Shane/Kurt. 



TO THE TAZZ. Benoit also refuses to answer the WCW question.

DDP is still waiting for Taker to come out. 

TO THE COACH. Christian congratulates Edge. "So begins this Era of Awesomeness."  This was IT for Edge the rest of the night. No coronation ceremony, no mention of him the rest of the night really. Lol. This KOTR feels like so much less of a big deal than the previous ones.

TO THE BACK. Kurt is rampaging around the back, saying if any WCW wrestler shows up during his match with Shane, he'll make sure they're fired from the Federation and are out of work...Lol. Kurt Angle just killed the angle that the WCW guys don't work for Vince. 


Jeff Hardy vs X-Pac WWF Light Heavyweight Championship

This isn't doing shit for me. I mean, I like X-Pac more than most, but Jeff Hardy was pretty not good at all. Jeff wins with the swanton. Title retained.


TO THE OFFICE. Austin is desperately trying to get a hold of Vince on his cell phone and the office phone. He tells Vince about the Benoit/Jericho defecting to WCW rumor. Steve needs Vince. 

Another video of DDP plays, so he jumps into the ring and calls Taker out directly. It turns out that Sara was filming DDP. SWERVE! Taker slowly walks to the ring while DDP does yoga poses. Lol. Taker obliterates DDP (with Sara recording it) until DDP literally gets booted out of the ring and runs away. Weeks of DDP building up this fight, calling Taker out...then immediately gets his ass handed to him and runs away. That'd be not great, but kind of okay enough if DDP wasn't arguably the biggest star in the new WCW. All this tells me is that WCW mid carders can do sneak attacks, and the main event talent stand no chance against WWF main eventers in a fair fight. It could have just been a pull apart brawl, and they would have come off as equals. Instead, DDP (and by extension, WCW) immediately look inferior. Not great if you're trying to build up WCW as a capable brand again.


TO THE BACK. Austin is asking crew if Vince has arrived yet. 


Kurt Angle vs Shane McMahon Street Fight

Okay, so Shane interrupted Kurt reenacting his medal awards ceremony for no reason. He talked up WCW, and Kurt laid him out. That's what started this? Lol. Weird. That's the flimsiest shit. Kurt starts the match with a SHOOT double leg take down/spear and then just rides Shane around the ring. He's not in a pleasant mood tonight. Shane clearly pops Kurt right in the fucking eye with one of his shitty flurries. It busted Kurt open. I swear Shane has no idea how to throw a worked punch. Either he completely whiffs, or actually hits someone. Shane takes the bait of Angle being in referee's position. What a fucking dumb dumb. Kurt is just man handling Shane. Knocking the piss out of him, throwing him all around, just killing him on the mat. Kurt gets in position again, and this time Shane punts him in the ribs. Shane is in control once the plundah comes out, until he tries a SSP on a trash can and misses. Things head out to the entrance stage. Kurt takes a suplex and I swear you can HEAR his tail bone crack upon impact. A fucking gross sound. Kurt is clearly in severe pain and has trouble standing up straight after this. A few minutes later, Kurt tries to belly to belly Shane through the glass panes of the set, only for Shane to bounce off and land right on his fucking head on the floor, with another disgusting sound. Shane goes through it the second time. CZFNW. JEEEEEEEZUS. Kurt tries to throw Shane OUT of the set, and Shane again bounced off of it. And one more time. Kurt gives up with the suplex and just throws him through it head first. So violent. It's a street fight, not falls count anywhere, so Kurt has to put Shane on a stage crate to push him back to the ring, both all sliced up from the glass, which was REAL GLASS for some fucking reason. You couldn't gimmick that shit? Perhaps if you had, Shane wouldn't have had 3 concussions from bouncing off of it and landing on his head. When they get back to the ring, Shane kicks out. Kurt wins with an AVALANCHE Angle Slam, because there is no kill like overkill. If you're going to do CZW shit with glass and blood and huge bumps, you might as well do it where you're actually getting paid real money for it. I can't say this is a good match. It's definitely a Shane spotfest, but it is pretty crazy. The glass stuff is some of the nastiest shit I've ever seen in WWE.



TO THE BACK. Chris Benoit and Chris Jericho warm up. Elsewhere, Austin is still hoping Vince has arrived. Vince has not.



Steve Austin vs Chris Jericho vs Chris Benoit WWF Championship

Finally, after Benoit and Jericho having about 6 matches against Austin in singles or tags in the past month, the title match happens and hopefully ends the angle. Austin tries to stall for time, hoping Vince will show up, but the Canadians Chris ambush him and beat him around the arena. It takes about 10 minutes before Jericho and Benoit go at it. It's the standard triple threat of one guy stays down for 5 minutes, then comes back, then another guy goes down for a few minutes. It's basically a handicap match for 10 minutes, then Austin alternating singles matches between Jericho and Benoit for the rest of the match. And of course, there is a ref bump. Benoit attempted to hit the stunner. It was closer to the Ace Crusher, though. Benoit absolutely brains Jericho with a chair. Austin taps while in the Crippler Walls of Jericho, but Earl says the match must continue since there can only be one champion. As Austin is on the floor THE WCW CHAMPION BOOKER T jumps out of the crowd and lays Austin out with an ax kick, then throws him through the announce table. THE WCW CHAMPION HAS JUST ATTACKED THE WWF CHAMPION! MY GOD! Back in the ring, Jericho damn near Hayabusa's himself trying a Lionsault 3/4ths of the way across the ring for some reason. Shortly after, Benoit literally breaks his neck doing a back superplex (although it's kind of been broken for like a month now, this just finished the job). And then Austin pins him and wins. Lol. Title retained. 



Overall, it is a pretty good, but not great show. Edge winning the KOTR was overshadowed completely by the Shane/Angle feud and him being the guy the fans cared about the least of the 4 combatants. Christian/Kurt blew both Edge/Rhyno and Edge/Kurt out of the water. DDP looked like an absolute putz, which reflects on WCW as a whole. Kurt/Shane was a still crazy spotfest that is probably one of the most violent matches in WWE history. This is a match where you can hear Kurt's eye being busted open, his tailbone cracking, and Shane's head rattling off the ground. Then both guys getting sliced up from actual glass. You might as well have just ended the hardcore division on the spot, because those matches never come close to what Shane/Kurt did.

The main event was fine. I'm sick of the feud, so I'm sure that is painting my opinion of it. Benoit would be out for a year after this. But the big news is Booker T, reigning WCW Champion, attacked Steve Austin, reigning WWF Champion. The spark of the Invasion that has been left to Shane for weeks finally has a new flame. That's hype as fuck.

  

WWF King of the Ring 1999

KOTR has been home to some pretty shitty shows. It's way over rated. 1993 is the only year with good wrestling in it.

EARLIER TONIGHT. King Ken had another one of his internal bleeding fits.

TO THE BACK. Ken is still coughing up blood.

TO THE COLE. Cole is outside of Vince's office, waiting to hear from him with an update on Shane, who Ken beat up earlier.


Hardcore Holly vs X-Pac KOTR Quarter Final

One round too many for PPV when you've got a handful of other matches on the card. Former tag champs EXPLODE. Who would have thought that the 123 Kid and Sparky Plug would still be around 4 years later? Very short match. Hardcore intentionally gets disqualified by hitting X-Pac with a chair in the ring, presumably because he was mad about the bronco buster. He continued to pound on X-Pac until Road Dogg made the save.

 
 

TO THE ROOSTER. Terry Taylor catches up with Bob after the match. Bob is the BIG SHOT.


Big Show vs Kane KOTR Quarter Final

Just a set of trunks is not a good look for Show. 16  years later, these two were still having matches on PPV. I guess this is a HOSS match. It's not very good. Mostly because Show is fat, out of shape, lazy, and didn't know how to actually do a match. They do a very shitty version of the double big boot spot. Neither guy came even close to touching the other. Kane ducked a kick and the ref got drilled. Kane then hit a low blow. Hardcore Holly comes back out with a chair. Kane stops him from using it and chokeslams him. Kane then chokes Show to death. Like an Undertaker match from 1991. Just an extended choke sequence. It should have killed Show. It goes on for like 2 full minutes. Maybe more. Show somehow stands up. Kane hits Show with the chair. The ref comes to to make the pin. Kane advances.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Vince says that Shane is hurt and can't compete. The main event is in doubt.


Billy Gunn vs Ken Shamrock KOTR Quarter Final

Ken shouldn't be competing, but Billy's shit talking just pissed him off so much. Another short nothing match. I was thinking. The Kane/Show match was twice as long as Pac/Holly, but 2 minutes of it was a single choke hold. This match is stopped after a powerbomb that makes Shamrock's insides explode out of his mouth.

 
 

TO THE HERMIE. Chyna is going to become the first QUEEN of the ring.


Road Dogg vs Chyna KOTR Quarter Final

LOL at the camera focusing on fans who were confused at Road Dogg's new intro and still trying to follow along. Like a little kid trying to sing along to the radio. This is a very slow match with Chyna mostly dominating. But anytime Road Dogg is about to get some offense, HHH is there to wreck him. I'm not sure that puts Chyna over. She does have some dope forearms and uppercuts, but she's still dependent on HHH to keep her in control and help her win through out this whole tournament. Oh good, a ref bump. HHH hits Roadie with a chain. Earl comes to to count the pin 12SHEGOTHIMNOSHEDIDN'T! It's HBK! He prevents HHH from interfering again. During all of this commotion, Chyna hit a low blow. But Roadie was wearing a steel cup! He pins Chyna with the pumphandle slam to advance. This match was twice as long as the longest match on the show so far.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Rock bullies him and isn't impressed with Undertaker.

 
 

Hardy Boys vs Edge & Christian

These teams had a match on Heat that was interrupted by the Acolytes, so they get to have another match. Michael "PS I'm a cunt" Hayes is now the manager for the Hardys, also dressing in raver pants and exceptionally tight shirts. Edge hit a pretty dope Alabama Slam on Jeff. Jeff was doing Poetry in motion 15 seconds later. Hayes interfered and it didn't even work. Sack of shit. Spear to Matt. Spear to Hayes. The next Poetry in Motion is countered with Edge spearing Jeff out of the sky. Gangrel accidentally blood mists Edge. Jeff gets the win with the Twist of Fate.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Taker ain't got time for Rock's shit. "What happens when you rip the balls off of a bull?"

Vince McMahon comes to the ring. He says that Shane can't compete, so the main event is canceled. Commissioner HBK returns and says the match will happen. Shane will be replaced by a suitable...replacement. And the replacement is...just Vince? I think.


Billy Gunn vs Kane KOTR Semi Final

Kane dominates. Then Billy dropkicks the steps into Kane's head. And then rest holds. I really don't see the need for rest holds in a 5 minute match, but whatever. Billy grabbed a chair. Show came out, took it, and hit Kane. Billy advances to the finals.


TO THE HERMIE. Kevin speaks with X-Pac, who has mixed feelings on facing one of his best friends in the semis, but may the best man win. Road Dogg had a similar thought.


X-Pac vs Road Dogg KOTR Semi-Final

"I aM a MiKdunals imploiee of da Munth". That's an interesting sign. In another very short match, X-Pac won with the X-Factor.


The Rock vs The Undertaker WWF Championship

Taker starts the match by attacking the ref. Then Rock hits the Rock Bottom about 40 seconds in. Then a second ref comes out and Paul drops him. 2 ref bumps in the first minute. Fuck. Chokeslam. Rock kicks out. It's like they just skipped the whole bulk of the match or something. The match quickly heads towards the entrance area. Why wouldn't Taker immediately be disqualified? And then Paul attacked the second ref, so Taker should have been disqualified again. Did Chioda just not wonder what hit him? After brawling around the arena, the match hits the ring. What a novel concept. The dreaded water spit from Rock. Back into the crowd. Paul's shoe gets involved. Another ref bump. Paul gives Taker an ether rag. Rock ends up using it. HHH runs in and hits Rock with the pedigree. Taker wins with the tombstone. Title retained. What a fucking mess. Russo to the MAX. The match STARTS with two ref bumps and finishers, then brawls all around the arena, outside interference from Paul, a run in from HHH, a third ref bump. Christ.


TO THE BACK. HBK throws HHH out of the building, which was apparently Vince's choice for Shane's replacement. Vince then gets on his phone and calls someone.


X-Pac vs Billy Gunn KOTR Finals

Billy attacks before the bell like the cunt that he is. X-Pac threw a flurry of offense, but Billy won with a second rope fameasser in shorter order. King Ass! X-Pac's 3 matches combined were shorter than Chyna's one match.

 
 

Steve Austin vs Vince McMahon/Shane McMahon

Ladder Match Winner Take All

The winner has control of the WWF. Steve Blackman is Shane's replacement. Steve Blackman main eventing a PPV with Austin! GTV reveals Shane bragging with the Mean Street Posse. There's nothing wrong with Shane. They try to run out of the arena. HBK catches them and walks Shane to the ring.

 
 

Obviously, Austin dominates. He even BERRIES the McMahons in a very Cena-like move. Pulled the whole set of ladders down on top of them with a random chain that happened to be attached to a ladder. Austin took some bumps, but this isn't a match. It's an extended Raw segment. Two non-wrestlers, one that his 53, and a wrestler with a bad neck and knees. Makes perfect sense to do a ladder match. Austin has the match won when the briefcase raises. Shane ends up getting the briefcase, meaning the McMahons are back in control of the WWF.

 
 

What a shit show. To start, the entire first round of the KOTR had about 15 minutes devoted to it. 8 matches. A little over 15 minutes total for all of them. Chyna's match with Road Dogg was almost as long as the entire first round. Nothing good came out of this show. Run in and ref bumps everywhere, the Taker/Rock match was done in reverse for some reason, a main event with 2 non-wrestlers and a dude with bad knees and neck in a ladder match. It's a BAD show.

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WWF King Of The Ring 1998
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Headbangers/Taka Michinoku vs Kaientai

This is a "bonus" match, added the night of the show. Taka is dressed like a Headbanger. I was really hoping I was done with the Headbangers, but I guess I'm stuck with them for a while. Pieces of shit. I hate them so much. So shitty. I'd rather just watch Taka vs Kaientai. Taka pinned Funaki in a pretty unremarkable match. Kaientai should have gone to WCW. They would have been so rad mixing it up with Rey/Ultimo/Eddie/Dean/Hypno/La Parka.


Sable comes to the ring. She was recently reinstated by Mr. McMahon. Because she's best for business, I believe. JR knows a lot of men in Oklahoma would would marry Sable's dog to be a part of her family. "What?" She brings Vince and the Stooges out. Vince dismisses her. Patterson pats her ass and she slaps him. JR makes a covert gay joke. VLAD THE SUPERFAN!  What the fuck did that dude do for a job? Vince gauges what the fans want to see tonight with Austin vs Kane. They're in for a disappointment. No surprise, most of these people's entire lives have been disappointments. They were disappointments to their mothers and fathers. And their parents were disappointments to their parents. He's just trying to prepare these people for the disappointment of Austin no longer being champion. How thoughtful.


Ken Shamrock vs Jeff Jarret KOTR Semi-Finals

JJ attacks as Ken is entering the ring. Ken took a stiff dropkick to the face. Ken responds with a kick to the chest. After a distraction from Col. Parker, JJ is able to focus on Shamrock's ankle, which was injured recently by Owen Hart. I bet Vince hated everything about Col. Parker. Probably reminded him of one of his meanie step fathers. So he hates his father, hates his step-fathers, hates his mom. Apparently hates women in general. Hates rednecks. Hates black people. Hates Asians. Oh shit, jumping frankensteiner from Ken. He immediately slaps on the ankle lock and Jeff immediately taps out. Shamrock advances to the finals. Col. Parker hit the ring and got a belly to belly. Cole got some words with Shamrock, who didn't come here to be second best.


The Rock vs Dan Severn KOTR Semi-Finals

TMF mustache and music. Beast immediately scores a take down, but Rock was in the ropes. And again and again. Rock couldn't out wrestle Daper Dan, so he resorts to cheap shots. Godfather and Mark Henry distract the ref, which allows D'Lo to hit a huge Lo Down with his new chest protector (because Severn was the one who caused him to have to wear it in the first place). Rock advances to the finals. Cole got words with Rock after the match. Rock ain't playing games with these got dang shooters.


Too Cool vs Al Snow/Head Special Guest Referee Jerry Lawler

"Goes without saying, a lot of Head fans." The angle has been that Al has been badgering King to get him a meeting with Vince. If Al wins this match, he'd get that meeting. This is some Chikara shit right here. And we all know Chikara is dumb as fuck. King of course plays favorites, so this is basically a 3 on 1 handicap match. Hot tag to Head! King gets a bottle of Head and Shoulders, throws it to Brian, who then attaches it to Head (kind of ) and pins it. GET IT?!?!?! Garbage. What's the point of having a match that JR BERRIES hardcore, and then he and King BERRY it more afterwards? Why would you have an intentionally stupid and shitty match?


Owen Hart vs X-Pac

Kid starts with a baseball slide. Owen quickly starts working on the spine and neck of the recently back in action Pac. He looks really skinny. Even for him. What a dope Perfect-Plex from Owen. Kid gets sent FLYING over the time keeper's area. God damn. X-Pac is able to fight back in the ring, including hitting an X-Factor, which wasn't a finisher yet. Bronco Buster! Owen fights for a superplex. They both slip. X-Pac falls on the ropes and Owen falls back into the ring. Mark Henry runs out and gives a big splash on X-Pac. Chyna gets all up in his ass and Vader appears OUTTA NOWHERE to attack Henry. Chyna then hits the ring to DDT Owen. X-Pac crawls over and gets the win.


Paul Bearer comes to the ring. He talks about the beatings Taker has given him recently, but he wouldn't miss this show for the world.


New Age Outlaws vs New Midnight Express WWF Tag Team Championships

Man, I really hoped that the NME would have been split up by now. I'm sure they hadn't done anything to deserve a title shot. You know, I'm starting to think that Billy and Bart aren't actually brothers. No brotherly love between them. This is another "bonus" match, which means time filler. And this is definitely filler. Spot of the night goes to Chyna punching Corny right in the cunt. Outlaws won with a double team stun gun to Bob. Titles retained.


The Rock vs Ken Shamrock KOTR Finals

HHH joins for commentary. Rock and Shamrock have history going back to October/November of 1997. HHH is out there to BERRY WCW and make dick jokes. Chyna is on the Spanish announce team, because she speaks fluent Spanish. "There's a lotta bi things I am, but lingual is not one of them...Hey wait a minute, did I just say that?" Lots of stalling from Rock. He walks over to HHH, who spits water in Rock's face. The match itself is not much to speak about. "The Irishman..." Ken is adopted and clearly not Irish. Come on, Jim. Shamrock gets the ankle lock OUTTA NOWHERE to win. KING KEN! Their Rumble and WM matches were a lot more fun.


Mankind vs The Undertaker Hell In A Cell

Mankind briefly enters the cell, then walks out and throws a chair to the roof. Then he climbs up. Taker obliges to start on the roof. They almost fall through. And then Mankind gets thrown off the top. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY THAT KILLED HIM. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS HE IS BROKEN IN HALF. You forget that this was the FIRST SPOT in the match. That's probably the one bump I'll never figure out why Vince was okay with. That literally could have killed or paralyzed Mick if it had gone even slightly wrong. The monitors weren't even removed from the table.  Or he could have missed the table and landed on fans. Trainers, refs, Vince, Terry Funk, Sarge, and others come out to work on Foley. Mick is wheeled out, but gets off the stretcher half way down the aisle and climbs back to the roof. And he's promptly chokeslammed through the roof. "That's it, he's dead." "Will somebody stop the damn match? Enough's enough!" The reaction for both bumps is INSANE. Hard to think of bumps that got a bigger roar. Terry Funk gets pissy with Taker and literally gets chokeslammed out of his shoes. And somehow, Foley is standing up moments later. And he's SMILING. With a tooth in his nostril. And he's able to get offense on Taker. He's definitely half dead, though. Taker also gets busted open. Sick piledriver on a chair from Mankind. Mick gets a bag of thumb tacks from under the ring. This is NONSENSE. He ends up getting slammed and chokeslammed onto them. Taker wins with the tombstone. This shit is still crazy after all these years. There is the first bump that is crazy no matter how many times I've seen it. Then the second bump, which is arguably even worse. And then Mick is STANDING UP AND WRESTLING just a few minutes later. Then the tacks. Then you have the fans that are almost disgustingly blood thirsty. Then JR losing his god damn mind. Even King was serious. This is not a match that could happen today. The idea of the first bump wouldn't even be approved today. But then the match would have for sure been stopped after the second bump. And Mick Foley is somehow able to walk to the back.


Steve Austin vs Kane WWF Championship First Blood Match

If Kane loses this match, he has agreed to literally commit suicide by immolating himself.  THESZ PRESS THESZ PRESS RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND. The only bit of exposed skin on Kane is is left hand. How will you know if he's bleeding? After a few minutes of action, the HIAC begins to lower. Then it gets raised while Kane is stuck in the door. They brawl all over ringside and up to the stage. Sable and Vince are watching from the luxury box. After a lot of brawling, there is a ref bump. Mankind hobbles down with a chair. Stunner! The cell lowers again. Stunner to Kane! Undertaker comes back. He also has a chair. Austin has his chair. They both swing for Mankind, but Mankind ducked. Taker's chair shot was harder and sent Austin's chair back into Austin's face. This busted Austin open. Taker brings Earl back into the ring and covers him in gasoline. Kane takes Taker out with a chair. Chair shot to Kane. Earl comes to and sees Austin covered in blood and calls for the bell. NEW CHAMPION! THE DAMON KANE IS THE NEW CHAMPION!


This is one of the few Attitude Era shows where the undercard has more than one match that is fun to watch and delivers more than the main event. Owen/X-Pac, Shamrock/Jarrett, and the HIAC were fun. The main event was fine, but basically a Raw main event. Austin had been hospitalized for 3 days with a high fever due to a staph infection right before this match. The HIAC itself is still fucking crazy. Maybe even crazier than before since everything has been toned down so much in the following 18 years that something like this is completely unthinkable. 

WWF King of the Ring 1997

Ahmed Johnson vs HHH KOTR Semi-Finals

These two are SO DIFFERENT.  WORLDS APART!  One is rich and white.  One is poor and black.  One had butlers.  One was in a gang.  Why didn't Ahmed just wear full on padded tights?  Wearing 3 sets of knee pads seems weird.  Ahmed is too stronk for HHH. And black.  And poor.  Because Ahmed was poor and is black.  I don't know if you know that or not, but let me remind you. Ivan Putski trained Ahmed.  I wasn't aware of that.  That kind of makes sense.  He should have done the Polish Hammer.  HHH has to use the steps to get Ahmed in control.  Busting up those kidneys.  Awkward moment where Ahmed was expecting to go for the spinebuster and HHH wasn't. Ahmed hits it moments later.  Chyna says something to Ahmed, which distracts him enough to get hit with the pedigree.  HHH heads to the finals.

TO THE TODD.  Todd spoke with King, which actually happened after Mankind's promo.  He won't respond to Todd, takes the mic, and heads to the ring.

Mankind vs Jerry Lawler KOTR Semi-Finals

Mankind is basically a face now.  Or at least pretty accepted as a face by the fans.  Before the match, Mankind cuts a promo wondering where Paul is, and what kind of a king Mrs. Foley's Baby Boy should be. Then he talks about how gross it would be for King to be naked, and how it would be worse if he himself would be naked, throws a BANG BANG, and sings some Aretha Franklin.  It was a weird promo. King heels on various fans on the way out and then throws out typically terrible King jokes towards Mankind.  He gets the shit knocked out of him for a few minutes for it.  JR goes pretty deep into King's history, mentioning the USWA, the Kaufman feud, Lance Russel, and being trained by Jackie Fargo.  Foley had recently done his sit down interviews with JR, so the perception of him has changed. Mankind does a running headbutt into the steps trying to attack King.  Seems like a weird move to try regardless.  Then his scrambled brains on the railing spot.  It's no wonder Mick's brain wasn't working right by 2000. Then a piledriver on the floor, because who needs a brain?  Dropkick from King!  So proud of himself for it. Piledriver in the ring.   King plays with his imaginary international object, which JR is happy to not have to call an international object anymore.  Really.  He said that.  Diving fist drop.  Another piledriver is countered.  Mandible claw for the win.  HHH vs Mankind in the finals.  

TO THE TODD.  Todd is with Brian Pillman, who is apparently the responsible one for Austin vs HBK tonight.  Austin shows up behind him and beats his ass before giving him a swirly.

Crush vs Goldust

JR brings up Demolition, the Natural Dustin Rhodes, and Dusty.  Goldy also did a sit down with JR.  We also found out the head tattoo of Crush is a Hawaiian declaration of war.  "Pillman right now is probably near suicidal."  "I've never had a man 6 foot 6 give me a kiss."  Would you like to try, Jim?  JR also drops knowledge of Marlena being a make up artist for Larry King. You know who sucks?  Crush.  A lot.  JR telling random WCW stories like Bill Watts not giving him a day off to go do something is much more interesting than anything Crush is doing. *Goldy grabs his junk* "I know that's right!" Vince.  What?  Clearance and D'Lo try to DP Marlena.  Goldust wins with a snap DDT OUTTA NOWHERE. "Ha ha haaa.  They are husband and wife!"  

TO THE CUNT.  Hayes is with LOD and Sid.  "WELLLLL, revenge is a dish best served cold, and by diddly do squat, we're serving the coldest dish in town."  Elsewhere, Todd speaks with the Hart Foundation.  


British Bulldog/Owen Hart/Jim Neidhart vs LOD/Sid

Missed opportunity to not have Sid in face paint and shoulder pads. I get why they brought Anvil back, but god damn why did they bring him back? He was so shitty after 1991 or so.  Sid is still over as fuck.  The internet always shits on him, but he was always over.  And fist bumps are rad.  He was so excited about them.  I can't hate on that.  JR is better as a color man than play by play. Not that Vince is really doing play by play so much, but JR now that he's past his heel run is basically full on color guy since King isn't around and it's really good.  Adding a ton of factoids and history to every match.  Oh hey, Hawk no sells a piledriver.  No way.  JR's color stuff even gets Vince into things, bringing up the Dynamite Kid when Owen hit a snap suplex.  Owen pins Sid with a Meroiffic top rope sunset flip.  

TO THE TODD.  Mankind ain't laying down for no one. Then he drops a Lion King reference.

HHH vs Mankind KOTR Finals

Mankind still has a sore neck from the match with King.  He's also still a weirdo.  HHH can't win in a fight and he stupidly has not tried to make it a wrestling match. You can't out brawl Mankind/Cactus Jack/Dude Love/Jack Manson/Mrs. Foley's Baby Boy.  Silly.  Oh no, the dreaded hanging spot.  You'd think he'd drop that after it ripped his fucking ear off.  It pulled his mask off this time.  HHH focuses on the head and neck when he can. Mick definitely brings out the edge in HHH, which is something he had needed for about 2 years.  Very long Cactus Elbow.  Almost didn't make it.  Double arm DDT would have ended the match had Chyna not distracted the ref. Chyna just straight yanks Mankind out of the ring while he had the mandible claw on.  You can't keep a good weirdo with a bizarre looking head down.  Cactus Clothesline.  God damn it, Mick. He brings back the "jump backwards off the apron and bang my head off the guard rail" spot. Pedigree through the announce table.  Uguuuuu. That mother fucker won't stay down.  So Chyna blasts him with the cepter.  Then he takes a Nestea Plunge into a camera man.  Man, I hope Vince paid him very well for this night for all the body and brain destroying bumps he took.  And he kicks out!  Pedigree.  HHH is the King of the Ring.  

Todd comes in the ring for the coronation ceremony.  HHH beats Mick with the crown.  What a dick.  King Haitch.

The Hart Foundation comes to the ring. Bret is just about healed and will be returning to the action soon.  He's no longer an invalid who can be bowlied in a wheel chair. A challenge is issued to any 5 wrestlers in the WWF to take on the Hart Foundation at the Canadian Stampede next month. Bret then takes Vince's headset to join for commentary. Agents come out and force the Harts to the back.  

TO THE CUNT.  Hayes is with Austin.  Austin and HBK are tag champs, yet have a match against each other tonight.  The Russo Special.  Austin says he is the captain.  As Austin heads out from the interview, he walks into the Hart Foundation, who are still bitching. Else where, Cunt asks HBK the same questions.  

Steve Austin vs Shawn Michaels

Austin hits a big shoulder block that sends HBK flying to start the match.  A young mentally challenged fan jumps or falls over the railing.  HBK goes to help him.  Austin attacks HBK while doing so..  Heel as fuck. They have a quick sequence in the ring, HBK goes back out to the kid, makes security leave him alone, and personally walks the kid back to the locker room.  The match resumes with mat wrassling.  HBK attempts the Thesz Press.  Austin catches him, drops him on his dick, and dumps him to the floor. Austin has huge fucking hands.  What the fuck.  Austin wins the test of strength.  The drunken camera man falls off the apron. Thesz Press!  WM3 pinning sequence, from Stone Cold.  HBK gets sent flying over the top rope. The fight continues on the floor, where HBK goes sternum first into the steps.  I bet that hurt.  Press slam on the exposed floor. HBK's flying forearm misses because his leg hit Austin's shoulder.  It sent him face planting into the mat and rolling to the floor.  Looked like it hurt.  HBK starts his 5MOD, which is halted when he goes shoulder first into the ring post.  Ladies are happy to get to see some of Shawn's ass.  Ref bump.  Of course.  Superkick is caught.  Stunner!  Austin gets the ref up and hits him with a stunner.  Superkick!  A second ref comes in to...check on the first ref.  He gets superkicked.  Austin kicks out. Earl comes out and disqualifies both men.  


TO THE TODD.  The whole NOD is with him.  Taker needs to stop worrying about Paul Bearer's blackmail and worry about this black male.

TO THE CUNT.  Cunt is with Paul and Taker.  Paul is holding some kind of deep dark secret over Taker, so he's stuck with Paul once again.  "Zip it, Lazarus."  


Faarooq vs Undertaker WWF Championship

Faarooq, should he win this match, would be the first ever black WCW and WWF Champion.  Big powerslam from Ron.  Don't step to him, mother fucker.  Taker goes for Old School and then decides to jump backwards onto the NOD instead. He probably shouldn't have done that, as they now interfere when they had just been watching the match. You brought it on yourself, Dead Man. Piledriver OUTTA NOWHERE.  The pace has decidedly slowed. Taker totally did a stunner.  It was supposed to be a jaw breaker, but Faarooq's head was over his shoulder when he went down.  Vince mentions that Paul will tell Taker's secret if he loses the title.  JR says that is a good, sound analogy.  It isn't an analogy at all, Jim.  Faarooq "dodges" the flying clothesline.  He actually botched and bumped way too early.  Crush starts getting into shit with Savio and Clearance for some reason.  This distracts Faarooq.  Taker hits him with the tombstone.  Title retained.  Paul forces Taker to chokeslam Faarooq after the match.  Twice.  Three times. Ahmed Johnson comes out after the third one and gets all up in Taker's face. Taker doesn't like it.  Ahmed hits the PRP on him.

Pretty fun show, at least compared to most shows in 1997. The performances of JR as color man, Foley at everything, and the Austin/HBK match really stand out.  Austin up to this point is most definitely the MVP of the WWF for 1997.  In ring and out.  It's also clear that the decision to make him THE man had been made even before WM13.  Winning the Rumble, main events the next PPV, and the ads for WM13's VHS release had Austin being the first person shown.  Not Bret, Shawn, Sid, or Taker.  Austin.  The PPV after WM, he main evented over the title match, all while JR talked about how popular he was despite his attitude.  The next month, he main events for the title.  At KOTR, Vince and JR talk nonstop about his popularity and meteoric rise.

WWF King of the Ring 1996

It seems like Warrior vs King is the most important match of the show.  

Steve Austin vs Marc Mero KOTR Semi-Finals

Owen Hart joins for commentary.  Bringing in a Canadian for...color? Johnny B. Badd and Stunning Steve renew their rivalry.  Again, Vince had just ended the Billionaire Ted skits and bitching about WCW stealing talent.  Yet here we have two well known WCW stars in the opening match of the show. Vader will be on the show.  The Godwinns will be on the show. Undertaker and Mankind will be on the show.  Goldust will be on the show. Jim Ross is calling the show. But it's WCW who steals talent. And keep in mind that all the people WCW "stole" were people who were out of contract or gave Vince a fair chance to re-sign them. No one was "stolen", because that's illegal.  Having more money to offer doesn't equal stealing.  Austin hits a pretty dope Thesz press, although it missed the hysterics of later JR.  Mero is USELESS without Johnny B. Badd stuff. He's just an empty shell.   Oh shit, it's that fat kid with the bowl cut!  He's back!  Austin is motivated as fuck and the crowd appreciates it.  Austin is dominating.  Looked like he was going for the stunner, but it was a snap mare instead.  Mero gets a sleeper.  Austin drops into a jaw breaker that was close to stunner.  Austin's mouth has been busted open at some point. Tope from Mero.  Then he hits a suicide dive. Missile drop kick.  HE'S WILDING OUT!  Super rana.  Austin kicks out.  Stun Gun!  2 count. Stunner!  Stunner!  Stunner!  Austin advances to the finals!

TO THE CUNT. PS talks with Jake Roberts, who drops a bunch of biblical references and then compares how he's going to beat Vader to robbing a bank.  MIXED MESSAGES, MOTHER FUCKER.

Vader vs Jake Roberts KOTR Semi-Finals

The lighting gets super weird during this for a few seconds.  Vader smashes Jake all around. Owen does kind of a shitty job at color man because he points out that if Jake was at his best 10 years ago and couldn't win a title or KOTR, then how could he do it now when he's older, slower, and in worse shape.  Eek. That's going to make everyone that loses to him look pretty bad.  Vader gets disqualified in about 4 minutes grabbing the ref while getting DDT'd.  Vader crushes Jake after the match.  Vader has been booked terribly in his first 6 months in the WWF.  Fuck.  

TO THE COLOSSEUM HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE.  Vader threw a fit in the locker room and needed his ego stroked.  

TO THE CUNT. Hayes asks Sunny about her replacement, Cloudy.  She's not happy about it. Billy Gunn gets completely lost in his promo like his name was Roman Reigns.

The Godwinns vs Smoking Gunns WWF Tag Team Championships

WE GOT US SOME GOATS IN THE RING, MAGGLE!  God I hope one of them shits in the ring. JR more or less calls Sunny a whore.  Billy taunts Mideon by saying he fucks Sunny much better than Mideon ever could. I find that to be pretty believable.  Cloudy gets a split screen interview. You see, it's a pun on Sunny.  Cloudy.  And it's a man.  Fuck this match.  No idea why Vince (more likely JR) thought it was a good call to bring in the Godwinns. I don't really know what they saw in the Smoking Gunns, either.  It's not like they were anything to write home about.  Gunns steal a win with a cowboy boot to the back of Mideon's dumb head. Titles retained.

TO THE CUNT.  Corny is pretty excited that Bulldog is going to win the big one tonight.  Owen on commentary, Mr. Perfect as outside enforcer, Corny at ringside.  In fact, Mr. Perfect is in the same locker room.  COLLUSION.  

Jerry Lawler vs Ultimate Warrior

King does a promo from the royal stage and takes the scepter with him.  RF Video sign behind him.  Cheapest of cheap heat to stall for time. King attacks Warrior before the bell. He also has his fists taped, allegedly due to burns. Fucking LOL at 1996 Jerry Lawler dominating the ULTIMATE WARRIOR.  Even with cheating and weapons that's ridiculous.  Might as well be cousin Honky Tonk Man dominating Warrior. Does anyone in face paint sell piledrivers? Warrior no sells it, hits clotheslines, and wins with a flying shoulder block.  Not even a press slam or splash.  What a fucking rip off.

TO THE CUNT.  Hayes speaks with G-Rilla in the locker room with Jake Roberts, who is being taped up by the trainer.  Monsoon also points out that Jake is old and might not get another shot.  That's a weird way to build a dude.  HE'S SO OLD.  HE'S SO FAR PAST HIS PRIME.  HE DOESN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE. It makes dudes who lose to him look like shit, and doesn't do anything for guys that beat him.

Mankind vs Undertaker

Taker arrives on the top rope.  He teleported!  Diving lariato.  Then he beats the shit out of Mankind in the corner.  Then a different corner.  Then he slows it down with the fucking claw.  This shit ain't Texas, MARK.  Old School. Mankind gets into it with an eye poke.  Cactus Elbow!  Taker is suddenly back in control until Cactus does the spinning lariato that DDP stole. Leathery mother fucker.  Mankind gets some chairs out.  Big boot to the chair!  That chair had a family, damn it!  Mankind is then back dropped onto that same chair/floor.  Oh hey, I can't believe that Taker matches are fun to watch when he isn't choking for 80% of the match. Even in the match with Bret, a significant amount of time was devoted to Taker doing boring rest holds.  Not that this doesn't have rest holds, but at least there is actual action in it. Taker is propped up against the steps.  Mankind gets a running start and knees him in the face and nearly flips over the steps in the process. It's followed with a very far Cactus Elbow, which Taker gets a chair up to block the impact. Then cracks that sumbitch over Mankind's head. Piledriver in the ring.  Undertaker can sell a piledriver, but Warrior can't sell a piledriver when it is a guy's finisher. Mankind pulls his hair out and steals the urn from Paul.  Paul steals it back.  Mandible Claw!  MY GOD!  Taker grabs a goozle.  Paul accidentally hits him with the urn.  Mandible Claw is back on.  The ref calls the match.  Mankind has won!  

TO THE CUNT.  Michael Hayes casts aspersions on Mr. Perfect.  HBK also confronts Perfect.

Goldust vs Ahmed Johnson WWF Intercontinental Championship

Owen calls Perfect, "Curt Hennig", which seems weird even though Mr. Perfect was originally just a nick name in the WWF. Ahmed is in no mood to play.  This all stems from Goldust giving Ahmed CPR and saving his life, but Ahmed was homophobic and thought Goldy was trying to make out with him.  Huge dive from Ahmed. Imagine if Ahmed wasn't dangerous and was able to stay healthy.  He tries to kill Goldy with the steps.  Maybe this should have been a stairs match. Ahmed misses a Stinger Splash and Goldy goes to work.  VLAD THE SUPER FAN!  Goldy's knee brace is huge.  He should probably get that checked out. I can only laugh at how easily Goldust moves and lifts the steps when Punk couldn't even get the top set unhooked. 87 pounds.  The weight of an average 12 year old girl. Frail Fuck Phil.  Goldy starts caressing dat ass.  Ahmed has junk in his trunk.  Can't blame him. Piledriver.  4th one of the show.  Imagine that in 2015 WWE. Goldust has controversial "theatrics".  That means groping a dude. I'm not sure there is really a story beyond Ahmed is sometimes overly athletic, but it isn't bad. Goldy tries to save Ahmed with CPR.  He was blown up!  He was trying to help!  This sends Ahmed into a rage because FUCKING QUEERS.  Spinebuster. Pearl River Plunge.  New champion!

TO THE BACK. A bunch of shit heads celebrate with Ahmed.

Brian Pillman comes to the ring, still on crutches after his car wreck.  Is he going to pull out his Ahmed Johnson and piss in the ring? Is he going to call Bischoff a piece of fucking shit?  Is he going to stab a fan with a fork?  No.  He does talk about Jeffrey Dahmer and calls JR a stupid son of a bitch, though. BRIAN FN PILLMAN.  Kind of hard to top the ECW appearances as far as being a loose cannon.  Which he isn't referred to here.  He's calls a time bomb. "I'm gonna RAPE, PILLAGE, and PLUNDER this entire Federation!" So he's a rapist now?  


Steve Austin vs Jake Roberts KOTR Finals

Austin's lip is all stitched up. The Hollywood Blonds have a moment in the aisle.  Jake is too hurt to even carry his snake out.  He drags the bag out instead. So he's old, way past his prime, and injured.  Yet somehow made it to the finals over guys 15 years younger than him. Jake gets very little offense and goes down to the Stone Cold Stunner in just a couple of minutes. At one point, G-Rilla comes to the ring to stop the match, but Jake wouldn't let him.  He should have.  Steve Austin is the new King of the Ring!

TO THE CUNT.  The Cunt is in charge of the coronation for King Steve.  Austin shits all over Jake, the bible, and says AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS I JUST WHIPPED YOUR ASS.  Steve Austin's time has come.  And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold said so.   

Shawn Michaels vs British Bulldog WWF Championship Special Guest Enforcer: Mr. Perfect

G-Rilla comes out and decrees that Mr. Perfect will be the outside official.  Which is what I thought the original idea was to begin with.  Earl will be the ref inside the ring. Standard mat wrestling stuff.  Side headlocks into head scissors on loop.  By the way, the blimp in the arena for this show is the Sega Saturn blimp.  HBK skins the cat and pulls Bulldog over the top in the process.  Then a rana off the apron and a spanking to Corny. Then it slows right back down with headlocks.  Weird spot where both do leap frogs and just stare at each other until HBK calls a spot.  Then back to headlocks. HBK hits a divorce court OUTTA NOWHERE and is promptly press slammed to the floor. This is followed with a suplex on the floor. God damn gold dust all over the place still.  Back to headlocks.  You'd think these two could put on a more entertaining and fast paced match, yet two PPVs in a row prove otherwise. Bulldog tries a diving headbutt and slips.  He would have missed anyway. Superplex from DA DAWG.  Liger Bomb from Davey. 2 count.  Davey takes his patented Euro bump into the corner. HBK KIDS UP.  Superkick for the win.  Title retained.  Owen pulled Perfect out at the 2 count so they could try to claim another draw.  It didn't work.  Owen gets put in a figure four while Bulldog is caught in a small package. Then he gets a spin kick to the face with dress shoes. Suddenly, AHMED JOHNSON hits the ring.  Then VADER.  Then THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR.  Looks like we've got a main event set up for the next PPV.  

TO THE COLOSSEUM HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE.  JR got words with Camp Cornette.  Fuck this piece of shit.  Corny with the racism saying Jose pulled a switch blade on him.

 

Another whatever show.  WWE in 1996 is SO stale.  This show has the birth of Austin 3:16, Pillman saying he's going to rape people, and Foley opening up Taker's work style, yet it still feels so dated and stale.  Bulldog and HBK put on their second shockingly boring PPV main event in a row. Big changes are needed.  At this point in the year in WCW, cruisers were tearing it up on the undercard and Hall/Nash had been wreaking havoc for weeks. And even before the nWo stuff, WCW angles were better anyway.

WWF King of the Ring 1995
 
 

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The show starts out with some shots from the WWF blimp as Vince talks about democracy and monarchy.

TO THE BACK.  Stephanie tells us that as a special Colosseum Home Video exclusive, we'll get to see Savio Vega vs IRS!!!!!!!!


Savio Vega vs IRS KOTR Qualifying Match

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This match actually took place on the Free For All, so it isn't exclusive at all.  It's actually the least exclusive match on the card since it was free for all.  FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING MICHAEL HAYES AGAIN!??!  Fucking cuuuuuunts.  Vince you piece of shit.  Savio starts the match with a series of near falls and roll ups.  Some of the ECW faithful are in the front row, including Hat Guy.  OH SHIT VLAD THE SUPERFAN!  My man.  No idea how Savio went from fan jumping in from the audience to being in the KOTR in a month.  In fact, he got pyro in his very first match, despite being a dude who jumped the guard rail.  We missed a big spot as we were being introduced to the Spanish announce team.  Seems like Savio took a big bump over the ropes or something.  IRS goes to the top rope.  He gets a boot to the tie.  IRS is shot.  He put on quite a few pounds over the last year and generally looks beaten down and broken.  Spinning heel kick OUTTA NOWHERE gets Savio the win and entry into the tournament.



 

We get the official introduction to the show.  Unsurprisingly, Hayes is super excited about the kiss my foot match.

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TO THE BACK.  Todd gets some words with Razor and Savio.  Savio is so excited.  He's fiery.  Because he's Latino.  And he's up next, again!



Yokozuna vs Savio Vega KOTR Quarter Finals

Two in a row for Savio.  I'm surprised that the Cubano Razor Ramon and Puerto Rican Savio Vega are such good friends.  That's two groups of people that tend to not get along very well.  Yoko gets to the early advantage, because he's FAT AS FUCK.  Christ.  They said he was over 600 now.  Most definitely.  That fat fuck.  He misses an elbow and eats the turnbuckle ten times.  He ducks the spin wheel kick that put IRS out.  Great scouting by Jim Cornette.  Hat Guy is all over Corny.  Owen Hart is in a tux on a red telephone in the back.  Yoko attempts the banzai squash, but Savio rolled out of the way before it could happen.  NERVE HOLD!!!!  My absolute least favorite rest hold.  Savio fights up and gets tossed over the ropes.  Yoko is gross fat.  He's just a fat fuck.  How do you even wash yourself when you're that big?  That's going to be Roman Reigns in 2026.  Yoko misses a leg drop.  USA USA USA chants for the Puerto Rican against the Samoan representing Japan.  Series of lariatos do nothing.  Spin kick takes Yoko down.  Corny gets knocked off the apron.  Owen comes out and attacks Razor in his bad ribs.  Everyone is on the floor now.  Oh shit, the deadlocked white guy from the Eddie/Dean 2/3 falls match is also in the crowd.  Savio makes it in before 10 and advances.  


TO THE BACK.  A nice shot of Jerry Lawler's foot.  Even he's disgusted by his feet.

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The Roadie vs Bob Holly KOTR Quarter Finals

Yes, Jeff Jarrett's sidekick is in the tournament, but Jeff couldn't make it in himself.  Although Jeff had to face Undertaker to get in.  Roadie had to face Doink.  Hardcore got in by beating Mantaur.  God damn what a prestigious tournament.  Road Dogg runs right into a belly to belly.  Near falls.  Roadie bails the fuck out.  Roadie gets back in, then backed into the corner, and slaps the shit out of Bob to get him angry.  Shit doesn't matter.  We got us a race car driver and an actual roadie up in here.  We has us a flying tax man earlier.  Roadie counters a rana with a powerbomb, much to the delight of the Philly crowd.  I believe I see a Johnny Polo cosplayer in the crowd.  Hard Irish whips.  Road Dogg and his dancing.  That Armstrong rhythm.  Of course the Philly fans are cheering for the heel over the cartoony gimmicked face, even though the heel also has a cartoony gimmick.  I'm sure they'd chant for Holly if he was a heel driver.  Bobcore reverse a piledriver.  Did he think no one noticed that bald spot for years?  Spinning head scissors.  Bob is SPEEDING UP!  Powerslam for a near fall.  He goes for a top rope elbow only to get a boot to the face, much like we saw in the first match.  I'm pretty confident that Holly got his shoulder up, but the ref counted the fall, everyone was confused, and Roadie advances to face Savio later tonight.


TO THE BACK.  Todd gets some words with the newly face HBK.  He defeated King Kong Bundy to gain entry.  King Shawn tonight, ladies.  And dudes.  


Kama vs Shawn Michaels KOTR Quarter Finals

Kama throws a black wreath that the Creatures of the Night had at ringside.  Kama defeated Duke Drose to get here.  This super prestigious tournament had a trash man, a tax man, a centaur, a country music superstar with no songs, a roadie to the country music superstar with no songs, a zombie, a race car driver, a clown, and a male stripper eligible for it.  New Generation is just the best, isn't it?  WWF missed HBK's in ring presence over the last few months.  HBK's quickness frustrates Kama.  Kama's great fighting skills aren't doing dick for him.  HBK skins the cat and then back drops Kama to the floor.  Shortly after, HBK gets clotheslined to the floor.  Bear hug ram into the post.  Joe Frazier just hanging out in the crowd, wondering why all these punches look so terrible.  Kama slowly kicks and punches HBK in the gut for what feels like the next 8 hours.  Canadian back breaker.  Shawn kicks off the turn buckle and gets out of it.  But the Flair Flip sends HBK back to the floor.  Ted takes a few cheap shots.  We get to see part of Shawn's hams and that is definitely the highlight of the show so far.  The bow and arrow back breaker is kind of sensual.  Especially as Kama keeps his hand moving on HBK's thigh and hip bone.  I'm getting all chubbed up.  Oh my.  He's so delicate with that hand.  I can tell Kama is a supreme loving machine.  The honey moon is over as HBK comes back into the match with a springboard forearm OUTTA NOWHERE.  Diving lariato.  HE'S KIPPING UP!  Stomp to the face.  Full mount.  Ground and pound!  It is ALLLLLLLL OVER.  WAITNOIT'SNOT.  We're down to one minute left in the time limit.  30 seconds.  Series of near falls.  10 seconds.  OH GOD DAMN IT SHAWN WAS ONE SECOND AWAY FROM WINNING WHEN THE TIME RAN OUT.  Time limit draw.  Both men are out of the tournament.  Kama attacks after the match and eats a superkick.  HBK going from winning the Rumble to a title match at WM to not being able to beat Kama makes him look weak as shit and doesn't do anything to make Kama look like a killer. Best of all, after being pissed, HBK then decides "eh, whatevs" and doesn't seem to care about any of this.


TO MR. BACKLUND.  Mr. Bob walks around Philly while campaigning to maybe run for president.  Just wandering around, saying crazy shit to random people.  I wonder if they got permits for that filming.  Vince asks Carlos Cabrera how he would feel about Bob Backlund running for president.  He also asks Raymond Rougeau, neither of which appear to say anything about Backlund, and no doubt Vince had no idea what they were saying anyway.

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Mabel vs The Undertaker KOTR Quarter Finals

Stephanie caught up to Mabel as he was nearing the ring.  I'm expecting a 5 star classic.  Taker has the early offensive.  Down goes Mabel.  Old School.  Terrible Boss Man Slam from Mabel.  More like a falling hug.  Taker gets tied up in the ropes just like Earl Hebner was at In Your House, where an 11 year old from Nevada won the In Your House Raffle For A House At In Your House in Orlando.  How can an 11 year old win a house and property like that?  How does that kid pay for the taxes?  Could an 11 year old legally buy a house if they somehow had the money?  Belly to belly.  Camel clutch.  It isn't even a camel clutch.  It's Mabel sitting his fat ass down on Taker's back.  Then Taker is thrown back to the floor.  Mo gets some cheap shots.  This is somehow worse than Yoko vs Savio.  Piledriver from Mabel.  That came about from Taker thinking he was going to back drop Mabel.  Mid ring collision.  Stinger Splash from Taker.  Ref bump.  Chokeslam!  Kind of.  Kama runs out and attacks.  Mabel gets the win with a leg drop.  Mabel advances all the way to the finals.


TO THE HALL OF FAME.  A couple of losers like George Steele and Moolah were inducted into the HOF the night before.  Undertaker used to make appearances at those.  Bret Hart had a brief moment of happiness, the only time it was ever caught on camera.

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Savio Vega vs The Roadie KOTR Semi Finals

Quick Roadie promo before the match.  Again, Jeff Jarrett's sidekick is in the semi finals of the most prestigious tournament of the year, but Jeff Jarrett isn't.  Nor is he defending his title.  He's there being sidekick to his sidekick.  The third time I get to see Savio tonight.  Roadie is quickly dumped to the floor.  Roadie gets on the offense with the Shake, Rattle, and Roll.  Razor prevents JJ from getting involved.  Second rope diving headbutt from Road Dogg.  I'm still confused at why Road Dogg is booked better than Jeff Jarrett and why this show is built around a complete unknown who made his debut a month prior by jumping the guard rail.  Or why Owen and Bulldog had a 15 minute draw, so neither were in the tournament, and neither got on the card to do anything.  Or why Razor and Kid were both "injured" and not wrestling.  That's four of the top New Gen guys not wrestling.  Jeff Jarrett isn't wrestling, and Bret Hart is in a terrible gimmick match with Jerry Lawler.  Anyway, Savio wins with a roll up and advances to the finals.  Carlos Cabrera got some words with Savio in Spanish.  Hayes popped up to "translate" and made a bunch of shit up, including "I'm going to stop stealing hubcaps".  What a surprise, Michael Hayes says something racist. Dok Hendrix was a face.


Jerry Lawler vs Bret Hart Kiss My Foot Match

There is still an hour left in this show.  Bret and King never had a good match together.  It makes no fucking sense.  Maybe their matches in Memphis were better.  I didn't enjoy a single one they had over 3 years in WWF.  Bret knocks the shit out of King for a bit before King sends him hard into the ring steps.  Piledriver.  Another.  A third.  Bret kicks out!  And he's up!  And now he's on the floor.  And now King's boot is off, showing his dirty, holey, gross sock.  This is stupid and I want this show to end.  Hakushi and Sato are out.  King accidentally gets hit.  Bret hits the 5MOD and wins with the Sharpshooter.   Bret stuffs his foot in King's mouth.  King almost throws up.  Then Bret shoves King's own foot in King's own mouth and King does throw up.  


Some PR on the WWF/Special Olympics relationship.


Mabel vs Savio Vega KOTR Finals

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The fourth god damn time seeing Savio.  The second time seeing Mabel.  I wish I still drank.   This isn't even like a terrible WCW trainwreck kind of show.  It's just a terribly boring, stupidly booked show.  A show built around a brand new guy who to the best of everyone's knowledge was just a fan a month ago, wrestling 4 times in one night while Razor, Owen, Bulldog, and Kid aren't wrestling at all.  A show where Mabel does double duty.  A show where HBK is eliminated with a time limit draw and can't get a good match out of someone.  A tournament where centaurs, race car drivers, fans, rappers, country music singers, trash men, tax men, zombies, male strippers, clowns, and roadies are all involved.  A show where the KOTR final isn't even the main event.  A show where TATANKA is in the main event.  A show where you take great wrestlers like Bret Hart and Jerry Lawler and have then in a match based around kissing feet.  There is a match going on, but I can't see it. All I see a purple balloon deflating on a red, black, and green blob.  This multi-colored blob has done a spin wheel kick 4 times tonight.  I've seen all of them.  Each time I see it, my existential crisis worsens.  I fall deeper into the abyss.  I feel as if I am on the edge of something I will never be able to come back from.  I stare into the abyss.  The abyss is too disgusted to stare back.  I see nothing but darkness and emptiness.  Blank.  Nothing.  Mabel is the king of the ring.  Razor gets a beat down after the match.  123 Kid runs out for a save and similarly gets squashed, much like the crushing feeling in my mind's eye.  It wraps around my entire body, enveloping me with a sense of fear and dread.  Of panic.  Of the unknown.  Will I ever escape this feeling?  Will I ever know for certain what this feeling is?  


TO THE BACK.  Jerry Lawler brushes his teeth, drinks mouth wash, and throws up more.  He is externalizing my internal feelings.  Elsewhere, Stephanie speaks with Ted DiBiase, Tatanka, and Sid.  Elsewhere elsewhere, Todd spoke with Diesel and Bam Bam.  This is Diesel's first match back after reconstructive elbow surgery, and it is also the first time for Diesel and Bam Bam to tag up.  They're over 220% tonight.


Tatanka/Sid vs Diesel/Bam Bam Big Yellow

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Tatanka is main eventing a PPV.  One of the big 5.  Not an In Your House.  Action starts right away.  The match is in turmoil.  I feel the turmoil inside of myself.  Much like a semi truck driving into the flame kissed edges of a psycho world, with Native Americans in war paint waiting to rain down arrows upon my heart.  There is not enough road left to brake before the flames.  There is no stopping.  I must plunge head first into this world.  This corporate world with burning Indians, psycho truck drivers, and darkness just on the other side.  A cavernous world where actions do not have equal reactions.  A world where there is no light to counter the darkness.  This world has no beginning.  It has no end.  All it has is a dark beast waiting in a corner, salivating at the thought of another lost soul, it's only power source being fear and dejection.  This is the world I have entered.  This is the world I can not exit.  I am forever trapped in a sea of instability and gnashing.  Each limb is not bitten off, but slowly chewed until there is no muscle on the bone.  The bones are broken and smashed to dust.  And then, my eternal resting place becomes a pile of dust on a shelf in a world of darkness, never to be seen or thought of again.  Diesel pins Tatanka.


 

One of the worst PPVs of all time, from any company ever. Absolute soul crushing garbage.

WWF King of the Ring 1993

The first ever televised KOTR. They had been running KOTRs as a yearly thing since 1985, but this is the first time it was aired in any form. JR, Brain, and Macho will be handling commentary duties tonight. Some past KOTR winners: Don Muraco, Harley Race, Randy Savage, Ted DiBiase, Tito Santana, and Bret Hart.

Razor Ramon vs Bret Hart

These two had a good match at the Rumble, so hopefully they can try to match that. Some even lock ups with no one getting an advantage. First round matches only have 15 minute time limits. Bret gets Razor to the mat and goes after the arm. Bret tries a hip toss. Razor blocks it and throws a strong lariatooo. Razor misses an elbow drop and Bret goes back to the arm. Razor tries to wrestle and it doesn't work out for him. Razor gets to his feet and then throws a back elbow. Bret is sent shoulder first into the ring post, which is something that could play a factor in the rest of Bret's matches should he advance. 123 chant starts up. Fall away slam. The ring sounds extra crashy tonight. Running powerslam from Razor. That's not something he did very often. Brain says that Bret is the kind of guy who asks for a wake up call at 1:23 and kicks out when they call him. Razor can't keep Bret on the mat and misses a series of elbows. Inverted atomic drop. Lariato. Russian leg sweep. Back breaker. Shit is about over for you, Razor. Diving elbow. Razor takes a wild swing and is almost rolled up. Bret goes for a running bulldog. Razor shoves him off into the sternum bump in the corner. Razor's Edge! Wait, Bret gets down and tries a back slide. He can't get it, so he rolls over into a small package. HEGOTHIMNOHEDIDN'T! Bret counters the belly to back superplex for the win. Bret advances. Pretty solid match. The Edge to back slide to small package was a hot near fall.

Highlights from Superstars with Mr. Hughes and Giant Gonzalez attacking Taker/Paul. Hughes stole the urn!

Mr. Hughes vs Mr. Perfect

It took Perfect 3 times to get past Doink just to enter the tournament. Perfect uses his speed to get out to an early advantage. That all stops when a single punch sends him over the top rope. Big boot. Lariato. Neck work from Hughes. Perfect gets Irish whipped into one corner and ends up in the opposite one. Bret gets a PIP promo saying he'd probably rather wrestle Perfect in the next round. They botch some kind of bear hug or spinebuster or something. What ever it was, it was ugly. Hughes misses the tea bag on the ropes move. Hip toss. Back drop. Perfect neck whip. Hughes hits Perfect in the head with the urn right in front of the ref and is disqualified. Perfect advances.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is in the locker room of Yokozuna. He speaks with Fuji and Yoko. Hulk Hogan CHEATED! Yoko is bigger and wiser than he was at Wrestlemania. I wonder why the fuck they had Fuji as his manager, because Yoko was a better promo than Fuji. Fuji always looked and sounded confused and was usually hard to understand anyway.

Bam Bam Big Yellow vs Jim Duggan

JR of course talks non stop about Duggan's football and amateur career, which Brain stops because this is the pros and none of that shit matters. Especially football. They collide and Bam Bam is bounced to the floor. Duggan goes hard into the corner at an awkward angle and appears to injure his ribs. He tries to slam Bam Bam right after this and it didn't work. Bear hug. Bammer misses a falling headbutt. The second slam attempt doesn't work. The third one works. I'll never understand that wrestling logic. You can't lift a guy on the first try. You're hurt and the dude falls on you the second time, but you can easily lift him up and slam him with no issues the third time. Duggan missed the 3 Point stance lariato and Bam Bam wins with the diving headbutt. Bam Bam advances.

TO THE BACK. Terry Taylor speaks with the Smoking Gunns and Steiner Brothers. Both teams think their finishers will be the key to victory. You don't say.

Lex Luger vs Tatanka

Both men are undefeated. If Lex doesn't cover his elbow with a very think pad, he will be eliminated from the tournament. He agrees. This is the first time I've ever actually been able to see the scar from where the plates and screws were put in. I thought it was a work as a kid. It isn't. And it's gross looking. Tatanka shoves Lex's mirror into them and they head to the floor momentarily. Tatanka gets Lex to the mat and tries to take him there. Macho says that the KOTR winner and WWF Champion would be on the same level. PIP from Bam Bam. He wants "the Indian". There is no way the elbow pad would protect any wrestler. It's not even a pad, but more of a sleeve. Really nothing interesting at all here. Time limit draw so both men are eliminated. Bam Bam advances to the finals. Lex wants 5 more minutes. He then blindsides Tatanka after taking the pad off.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with Bret and Perfect. Gene tries to stir the shit by insinuating that Bret wanted to face Perfect because Perfect was an easier match. Fucking Gene, why you gotta be like that? They get into an argument over whose dad was better.

Bret Hart vs Mr. Perfect

The time limit is up to 30 minutes now. Bret appears to have jammed or broken some fingers on his left hand. JR says Stu was a brawling, power wrestler. He doesn't seem like he would have been that kind of wrestler at all. Especially when you see pictures of him in his youth where he was built but pretty slender. Quick take downs and chain wrasslin. Stiff chop from Perfect. Both men hit slams and kick each other off as they went for head locks. Side headlock take over from Bret. Crucifix from Bret gets a near fall. Back to the headlock takeover. Crossbody. Bret is rolled to the floor on the kick out. He comes back with a sunset flip and goes back to the headlock. Perfect gives a dirty break on the ropes. Standing dropkick. Bret rolls to the floor. Perfect holds the ropes open and kicks Bret as soon as Bret is back in the ring. Knee lift. More stiff chops. Bret gets knocked from the apron to the guard rail/cooler. It looks like he landed knee first. Perfect won't allow the ref to count to 10. Back in the ring, Perfect comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick. Bret got a foot on the ropes. Sternum bump. 2 count. Perfect is getting desperate to put Bret away. He goes up top again and is caught with a superplex. Bret begin working the leg. Figure four. Bret gets a thumb to the eye, but he won't let go. Rope break. Perfect gets a handful of hair and throws Bret around, Divas style. Sleeper. Bret gets out by dropping into the turnbuckles. STIFF European uppercut. God damn. Sounded like it broke Perfect's jaw. Bret does his own hair throw, with Perfect going all the way into the ring post, balls first. 5MOD start. Bret goes for the sharpshooter. Perfect grabs the taped fingers to break it and then stomps on them. Both fight over a suplex and both go over the top rope. Perfect feigns a knee injury only to SWERVE and do a small package. Bret reverses it and gets the pin. Bret advances to the finals. This is good shit. I like it more than the Summerslam match. It had a better story, Perfect's back wasn't totally ruined, and Bret was much more established.

TO THE MEAN GENE EARLIER TODAY. Gene got some comments with Jimmy Hart and Hulk Hogan. Skinny Hulk Hogan tries to cut a coked/roided up Hogan promo without coke or steroids. It's fucking weird and I don't like it. Jimmy gives lyrics straight from American Made, which makes me think he already wrote/recorded the song knowing Hulk was going to use it somewhere else.

Yokozuna vs Hulk Hogan WWF Championship

A lot of photographers at ringside, which is the first sign that something is afoot. Savage question's Tunney's decision to not have Bret Hart against Hogan. They lock up. Hogan tries to throw Yoko off and Yoko doesn't really budge. "The last time I saw this many Japanese people was at Benihanas." Yoko throws Hogan down. Yoko dominates with chops and forearms. Skinny Hogan is just fucking weird. I think Hogan is bigger in 2014 even with no spine left in his body. Hulk bites Yoko and threatens to punch the ref because he's a super face like that. Hulk couldn't slam Yoko. It's no surprise because he tried to lift him like a half slam/half bear hug. He tries it again with the same terrible form. Hulk gets to Ax Bombaaas, which doesn't send Yoko down. He tries the third and is caught with one from Yoko. Yoko then misses a standing splash. Hulk gets all fired up and tries a shoulder block, which knocks Hulk down. Bear hug. Hulk breaks it and throws a series of firsts. It seems like he's going to go for the bodyslam again, but Yoko cuts him off. Belly to belly. Kick out WITH AUTHORITY. He's Hulking up, brother. The big boot doesn't drop Yoko. A second one doesn't either. The third finally works. Leg drop. Yoko kicks out! One of the photographers gets on the apron. Jimmy Hart tires to pull him down. Hulk goes over and the guy's camera shoots a fire ball in Hogan's face. Yoko then hits a leg drop. New champion! The sound is booing, but it sure looked like a lot of fans were cheering the finish. No 3 1/2 kick out here. Banzai drop after the match. Hulkamania is dead! "Yokozuna has squashed Hulkamania!" While it wasn't that interesting, it was some strong booking for Yoko, who basically turned Hulk away at every spot, kicked out of the leg drop, then won with his own leg drop. Even if the finish wasn't exactly clean, it was still probably the strongest Hulk ever put anyone over in a match before 2002. But Hulk is a shit head anyway since he bitched to get the title back with the deal that he'd drop it to Bret at Summerslam, but then he decided Bret was too small and he didn't want to lose to a face. And then didn't make any appearances between WM and KOTR.

TO THE BACK. Terry Taylor catches up with Mr. Perfect. "How do you feel?" is a pretty stupid question.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with HBK. HBK finally reveals Diesel's name.

Steiner Brothers/Smoking Gunns vs Headshrinkers/Money Inc.

I'm not even sure what the story reason for this was even though I've watched all the Raws. It was just announced one show. Ted and Scott begin. JR talks about Ted's football history. Scott gets the better of the exchange and sends Ted to the floor. Rick throws him back in and he's sent right back out. Fatu tags in, as does Bart. They have an interesting exchange including Fatu jumping out of a drop toe hold and bragging only to get caught with a drop kick. I see a lot of little things in the Usos that are so much like their dad. Fatu hits a superkick right in the throat. JR talks about so much college that Brain gets annoyed with it. JR also brings up IRS's decorated tag team past, which Vince probably didn't like since IRS was not Mike Rotunda. Bart plays FIP for his team. His run didn't last long. Ted voluntarily releases the Million Dollar Dream and then is rolled up. What a weird finish.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with Yoko, Fuji, and Jack Tunney. Jack congratulates Yoko on his title win. They're going to have their celebration in America. No fucking mention of the camera blowing up in Hulk's face? Maybe Tunney really was on the take.

Crush vs Shawn Michaels WWF Intercontinental Championship

JR guarantees us that we haven't heard the last of Hulk Hogan. Hulk wouldn't return to the WWF until February of 2002. Macho is still legit shook as fuck over Hogan losing. He's probably thinking, "Brother never put me over, no he didn't, ah uh, yeah, nope, no he didn't, uh uh.". Crush uses his power to throw HBK around and then shocks him with two dropkicks. HBK can only do so much against a stiff like Crush. Nash looks dope with his acid washed mirrored jean jacket, jeans tucked into his cowboy boots, one leather glove, mullet, and black sunglasses. Crush got rammed into the ring post and apparently knocked out. HBK spent a lot of effort getting Crush back in the ring just for Crush to kick out. Two Doinks come out and distract Crush. HBK hits a superkick to the back of the head, which sends Crush into the turnbuckle. Title retained.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene gets a word with a fresh Bam Bam. Bammer had some lovely tits.

Bam Bam Big Yellow vs Bret Hart King of the Ring Finals

They get right into the action. Bret gets out of a press slam. Big shoulder block from Bam Bam. Press slam over the ropes! Bret is wrecked already. Bear hug. A couple of great belly to back suplex from Bammer. They head to the floor. Bam bam gets thrown into the guard rail, which breaks and apparently squashes the leg of a little girl in the front row. Bret jumps off the apron, is caught, and slammed into the ring post. Hard slam on the floor. Luna comes out and hits Bret with a chair. Back in the ring, Bam Bam connects with the diving headbutt. 3 count. Bam Bam is the King of the Ring! But wait, Earl Hebner comes out and informs Joey Marella of the chair shot. The decision has been reversed. Wait, the match will CONTINUE! Earl saved Bret! It only makes Montreal even more hurtful. Bam Bam continues where he left off. Back suplex from Bret. Bam Bam misses the senton. Dropkick to the lower back. Bam Bam is dumped to the floor. Pescado. Super bulldog. Bam Bam kicks out of the sharpshooter. Bam Bam smashes Bret on the next belly to back. 2 count. Victory roll. Bret wins! Bret is the King of the Ring!

As Bret gets his coronation, Jerry Lawler comes to the stage to confront the pretender to his throne. There is only one king, god damn it, and it is Jerry fucking Lawler. King will let Bret be a prince if Bret bows down and kisses his feet. Bret gets a BURGER KING chant going. Lawler attacks him. WE'RE OUTTA TIME!

This was definitely the Bret Hart show. In fact, the whole show seemed like it was made as an apology from Vince to Bret for Hogan being a dick.