WCW Halloween Havoc 1993
This show begins with an incredible vignette of kids trick or treating at Tony Schiavone's house. And as it turns out, Tony is a fucking creep. And then he turns into a man bat monster thing. SWERVE! This is no doubt the greatest opening to a PPV ever.
Eric Bischoff is dressed as a Confederate solider, which is pretty weird. Tony is dressed as Jesse Ventura. Ventura is Bourbon Street's number one gynocologist.
Harlem Heat/Equalizer vs Shockmaster/Ice Train/Charlie Norris
Fuck. The only thing that could make this a worse opening match is if it included the Nasty Boys. Just brutal. Jesse still BERRIES Shockmaster for falling through the wall on his debut. This is garbage. Do not watch it. The only notable parts are Booker spinning before his ax kick and Tugboat's finisher being a bear hug that he drops to his knees and it is supposed to hurt extra or something. Typhoon pinned Booker.
TO THE TIN SOLDIER. Terry Taylor will be a second ref in the match between Rude and Flair. Weirdly, he cuts a straight up Red Rooster promo for this.
Paul Orndorff vs Ricky Steamboat
Wonderful is replacing an injured Yoshi Kwan. What an upgrade. The fat as fuck Assassin is out with Wonderful. That dude can't even fit in his mask. How do you get too fat for a SPANDEX MASK? Fans are ALL OVER Wonderful. And he's all over Steamboat. He's working over the still injured ribs of Steamboat. Also, Vader has been beating the shit out of Dragon lately as well. Dragon focuses on the arm. Not the baby arm, though. "I just don't like Steamboat." Lol. I don't think I've heard a heel announcer flat out admit he doesn't like the face and is just looking for shit to complain about. Steamboat really has an edge in this, using the post, guard rail, and getting in the face of the ref. So much rule breaking from Dragon. Jesse is getting hot about it. Even Tony can't condone it. Steamboat has the greatest fire up of all time. It was straight out of Punch Out. Shit gets HEATED on the floor and Steamboat gets thrown into the crowd. Wonderful nearly gets the win with his hands on the ropes. This is going a bit long and seems pretty unfocused at this point. It was a last minute thing, so that's kind of understandable. Fat fuck Assassin can't even get all the way up on the apron to cause his distraction. God damn. Seriously, his HEAD is so fat it can't fit into a spandex mask. Just think about that for a while. He also does the international object headbutt, which gets Steamboat counted out. Wonderful wins. "How could he stuff anything in there with that big fat head?"
Lord Steven Regal vs Davey Boy Smith WCW TV Championship
Lots of wacky Euro stuff. As you'd expect. Maybe not out of HGH'd to the gills Bulldog, though. Lots of trying to show each other up. Regal gets pretty pissy when Bulldog can go hold for hold with him. This match is making me think of how awesome Bret vs Regal would have been in 1993. Fuck. I don't believe they ever matched up in WCW. I'm sure people would know about it for how short and unimpressive it was if it had happened. But god damn, they could have had a real banger of a match. There are 4 minutes left in the match. That announcement fires Bulldog up. WTF is Xena in the building? What in the fuck was that noise? Bulldog's fire was quickly put out when he ran into a knee in the corner. 2 minutes left. SHUT THE FUCK UP, XENA. Christ. 60 seconds. Bulldog fires up again because he has to if he wants the title. Regal kicks out of the powerslam. Bulldog hits a brutal piledriver, but he took about one second too long to pin. Time ran out before the 3 count. Time limit draw. Title retained.
TO THE CONFEDERACY. Vader gets to SPIN THE WHEEL AND MAKE THE DEAL. The wheel stops on Texas Death Match.
Steve Austin vs Dustin Rhodes WCW US Championship
What a prescient sign: "Stunning Steve is the wrestler of the 90s". Austin hits a HARD slap and then gets the fuck out of dodge. He's such a wonderful piece of shit. Real Ass Stone Cold is great, but stooge supreme Stunning Steve is so good. Austin focuses on the head/neck of Goldy. Austin missed a knee in the corner and took a HARD bump to the floor. Just splattered. Dustin goes right to the injured knee and the complexion of the match has changed dramatically. Good call, Tony. And then Austin hits a low blow while distracting Nick Patrick. Nick had those same black and white sneakers for like 15 years. I wonder what brand they were. Austin just unloads with punches and slaps. That shit sounded like it hurt. Bulldog is countered by throwing Goldy taint first onto the top turnbuckle. Xena is still out screaming in the crowd. God. Someone needs to deck her. That's obnoxious as fuck. Austin gets the win with his feet on the ropes. But wait, Nick Patrick saw it, so the match continues. Dustin then wins with a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE! Title retained. Austin waffles Dustin with the title and leaves with the belt.
After recapping the Nasty Boys/ Buff/Scorp stuff, Tony does a pretty dead on Jesse impression, which stuns the Body.
Nasty Boys vs Marcus Alexander Bagwell/2 Cold Scorpio WCW Tag Team Champions
FUCK. Buff is painfully, hilariously a white guy trying to be cool around a black guy. Missy isn't the manager or the valet of the Nasties. She's their "escort". Buff forces himself on her. WHOOMP THERE IT IS. Probably the most popular chant in 1993. You heard it at just about every WCW show and at WWF shows in the smarkier areas. That fat shit Knobs. Reminds me a lot of Kevin Owens. Why do wrestling shows want me to watch the Nasty Boys? What kind of cosmic joke is this shit? I'm not watching 20 minutes of Nasty Boys. They win, new champions. Fuck this and fuck you.
TO THE DIRTY SOUTH. Gen. Lee speaks with Sid and Col. Parker. Franchise vs Ruler match coming up. Sid literally plans to snatch Sting's soul.
Sid Vicious vs Sting Franchise Match
The winner gets to be known as the true franchise of WCW. Sid is announced from Memphis, Tennessee. He's from West Memphis, Arkansas. Sting's bedazzled, glittery jean jack with tassels is exquisite. Sid attacks before the bell because he's a HEEL. Sting bounces Sid from the ring twice, and then into the crowd. They're brawling all around the arena, fans. What is that nasty bruise on Sting's shoulder blade? Is it a burn? Did he get hit with his pyro one night? Col. Parker distracts Sting, allowing for the chokeslam Sid guaranteed. Fans start chanting for the powerbomb. Sid has dominated since the chokeslam. FUCKING XENA. SID SID SID chants start up. Jesse, the heel announcer, says they were Sting chants. Most definitely weren't. There were a smattering of "sucks" after the Sid chants, though. Sid STANGS UP. Parker is a dipshit and somehow accidentally grabs Sid's foot instead of Sting's. And HOLDS IT. How is that even possible? He was looking right at both dudes. That seems like a manager turning to me, but was apparently just a mistake. Sting wins with a roll up. He's the FRANCHISE! WHOMP THERE IT IS! Sid walks away from the colonel.
TO THE BACK. Vader and Cactus get ready for their match.
Ric Flair vs Rick Rude WCW Big Gold Belt Special Guest Enforcer: Terry Taylor
I don't know what they're calling the title. It's been referred to as International World Championship, International Heavyweight Championship, World Championship, International Championship, Big Gold Belt, Wrestling Heavyweight Championship of the World. Whatever. It's one of them. It's the big gold belt. Flair immediately attacks. Hopefully this match is about half as long as their match last month. This starts out pretty much the same, with Rude missing the top rope knee drop and Flair applying the figure four within the first 2 minutes. Hey, maybe Ric will work over the arm for the next 20 minutes instead of on the already injured leg. Rude sends Flair to the floor via his dick. Ric's dick, not Rick's dick. They redo the crossbody spot from their last match, this time with Rude getting his leg tangled up in a chair on the way down. This is literally nothing but the same spots as the match from just a month ago. Not even playing off of them or anything. Just doing the same spots. Ric tries to win via count out. What? Lol. Stupid. Red Rooster gets involved, preventing rope assists and chair shots. Rude starts focusing on the head and neck area. Rude is so much better than Flair. All of his moves and holds, his psychology, and especially his selling. Everything Rude does is a struggle with his bad leg, and it makes him change his game plan at times. Oh look, Flair hits another shitty Rude Awakening. I don't understand why they're basically having the same match. I know Rude is better than that shit, so I have to assume this is a Flair issue. Of course, since there is a special enforcer, that means there is a ref bump. And the SECOND Rooster gets in the ring, he gets bumped. Rude isn't able to use his international object. LOL what the fuck, a random stagehand grabs the object and moves it to the corner. Flair has to go get it and a camera man throws that stage hand out of the way. So weird. Flair decks Rude with the object. Rooster makes the pin, but Randy Anderson stops it, saying he say Flair use the object. Flair tries to leave with the title, so Rude tries to leave with FiFi.
Vader vs Cactus Jack Texas Death Match
This immediately starts on the ramp and then goes to the floor. Vader punches the ring post and now has a weak spot. Lol, Cactus breaks some fan's camera on Vader's head. Vader get's blasted in the face with a chair. Then in the ring, Vader just UNLOADS with a brutal kick and stiff as fuck lariato. Then he tees off in the corner. Back to the ramp. Old ass Harley tries to get involved again. cactus is busted open over his left eye. Oh no, they've fallen in a grave! And then he pops up like a fucking monster. So dope. Cactus gets a number of pin falls over Vader, but Vader manages to get up each time. 30 seconds seems like a lot. Should be a 10 count to get up. Vader is also busted open. Once Vader gets pissed, he gets PISSED and stops even bothering to be safe at all. Just dropping Mick head first on the floor, hitting him in the head with legs of a chair. Vadersault! Oh Christ, Cactus jumps on Vader's back on the ramp. Vader falls back FULL FORCE. Awful. And then baseball bat swings a chair at Mick's head. After a DDT on a chair on the ramp, medical staff checks on Cactus. Vader wins after Harley uses a stun gun to the leg of Cactus Jack. Harley eats a brutal double arm DDT on the ramp that I'm sure did no favors for his bad neck.
Overall, this is a really solid show, especially if you were to just cut out the Nasty Boys all together. Flair/Rude continues to be the most lackluster and disappointing series between two top names probably ever. They have zero chemistry and their matches just suck.