WCW Halloween Havoc 1996

That Motherfucker Dean Malenko vs Rey Mysterio Jr WCW Cruiserweight Championship

TMF attacks before the bell and hits a Saito suplex right away.  A lot of fast, flippy, showy lucha shit to start. Rey hits a dope spinning armbar into a head scissors and then a big dive.  He gets his mask back and is able to switch masks without making his face visible.  Another head scissors is countered into a side slam.  This is the 5th televised match between these two.  They're 2-2.  TMF takes it to the mat and focuses on the legs and lower back.  Back superplex.  Tenay has been fucking up a lot tonight.  Called Saturday Night, "Monday Night", and said that Rey was the heavyweight champion.  There is a dude in the front row wearing a DOPE Papa Shango sweater.  I'd wear that.  Papa Shango would have been a way better director of security than fucking Virgil.  TMF keeps it grounded.  Both fight on the top rope and both fall to the floor.  Rey tries to do something of the guard rail and slips, so they have a really awkward exchange that ends with a low blow.  Rey hits a springboard somersault plancha in the ring.  TMF lariatooooo.  Rey sends TMF the floor and follows with an Asai tumbleweed that he mostly missed.  Rey hits the West Coast Pop.  2 count.  He tries another and is caught in a Bateaster Bomb for 2.  TMF goes for the suepr gut buster. Rey fights out and goes for a rana.  TMF turns it into an avalanche Dr. Bomb for the win.  New champion!  This was probably the least interesting of their 5 matches.  It was REALLY slow until the last 2 minutes.  

TO TONY THE TIGER.  Lee speaks with Double J, ha ha, Jeff, ha ha ha, Jarrett, ha ha ha ha.  Giant won't chokeslam him, he, ha ha, guarantees, ha ha ha, it, ha ha ha ha.  Flair steps in and puts Jeff and Macho over while Lee looks really uncomfortable and strange.

DDP vs Eddie Guerrero

This has been a multi-month program, even though Eddie hasn't been involved in most of it.  Eddie defeated DDP to win the Battlebowl Ring.  DDP then hit him with 3 Kanyon Cutters, which put him out for months.  Chavo also got destroyed along the way.  Eddie feints 2 dives just to do a chop.  Flapjack Norton.  DDP is STILL stuck doing shitty 80s heel stuff.  And marking for his own moves.  DDP and Nick Patrick get into it and it almost costs DDP the match.  Pinning sequence ends in a lariato.  Eddie FIRES UP and hits a huge crossbody to the floor, but banged his knees on the floor.  Jack Black marked for it.  DDP hits a pancake in the ring.  That's not a Flapjack Norton, Tony.  It's a pancake.  Spiral bomb gets 2.  Kanyon Cutter.  BANG!  Even though it was kind of weak and the announcers thought Eddie blocked it, it got the win.  No one has kicked out of it since he started doing it.  DDP now officially gets his ring back.  This would have been a lot doper a year later.

TO THE TENAY.  Mikey is in the back and talks to the Macho Man.  They're going to announce the winner of the Slim Jim sweepstakes.  Macho is extra weird during this.  Joan McChallic of Romulus, Michigan was drawn as the winner. 

For the first time, CompuSWERVE members can listen to the live stream of Halloween Havoc.

TO THE TENAY.  Mike is now with TMF.  Dean will take on all comers.  "He's the new cruiserweight championship in World Championship Wrestling."  I think Tenay is drunk.

TO THE DIBIASE.  Ted interviews The Giant in the crowd.  Giant has possession of Ric Flair's US Championship.  Jeff made a terrible choice to join WCW when he could have gone to the nWo.  Giant is going to STICK Jarrett everywhere.  "Everybody goes to the glue factory."  

The Giant vs Jeff Jarrett

J-E(ha ha)-double F(ha ha ha) J-A(ha ha ha ha)-double F(ha ha ha ha ha)-E-double T(ha ha ha ha ha ha).  Flair is in the corner of JJ.  I will never forgive Giant for dropping Macho on the post/stairs.  I will never forgive him for that nWo Nitro where he was the announcer for the second hour.  I'll never forgive him for being an out of shape, big, stinky schulb.  I'll never forgive him for still being around in 2014.  Jeff has no fear of the size difference, but stupidly tries a side headlock and takes the equivalent of a ladder superplex getting thrown off.  Jeff is quite enjoyable in this.  Who would have thought a Giant/Jeff Jarrett match with Jeff as the face would be more entertaining than a Dean/Rey or DDP/Eddie match?  Flair gets on the mic to shit talk Giant and pump Jeff up.  Jeff has some dope dropkicks, able to get up in Giant's face.  He doesn't have the power to slam the big man, though.  A top rope cross body works.  He goes for the figure four.  Giant kicks him off.  Giant hits the padded ring post when missing a Stinger Splash.  Jeff puts the figure four on out on the floor.  Giant tries to chokeslam him from the ground.  Flair does a low blow and the rest of the Horsemen hit the ring to make sure nothing happens.  Giant wins by DQ, but the real story is how enjoyable this match was and how Jeff Jarrett is actually a really good face.

TO THE DIBIASE.  Ted is happy to take a win anyway they can get it.  Syxx is going to crucify Jericho for the sins of WCW.  2edgy4me.

Syxx vs Chris Jericho

They have an indie RESPEK style stand off, but without the respect.  The Dungeon of Doom have to watch from the crowd.  Sullivan wearing a suit, Bubber in his biker gear, and Konnan in his cholo gear.  What a strange looking collection of outfits.  A chop with bad intention from Jericho.  Loud as fuuuuuck.  Jericho goes up top and gets dropkicked to the floor. He follows with a tope that mostly misses.  Jericho gets his head stomped and makes spooky faces.  Kid hits the kick combo in the corner and then smokes a doobie.  Syxx lays Jericho out on the apron and drives an elbow from the second rope into Jericho's throat.  Jericho gets back into it with a big punch.  Dusty gives JR a shout out by calling it a slobberknocker.  Nick Patrick makes a lot of slow covers the pisses everyone off.  Jericho argues with Nick and turns around into a spin kick.  Syxx wins.  nWo 2, WCW 0.

TO THE TENAY.  Mike speaks with Lex, whose hair is out of control tonight.  Maybe it's intentional for the Halloween part.  Looks so bad.  But he's really pissed at all the blame Arn has thrown on him.

Arn Anderson vs Lex Luger

Arn seems to be taking Lex kind of lightly.  He should know better.  You've known Lex for his entire career, Arn.  You know not to do that shit.  Lex focuses on Arn's back and is out to injure him in this.  Sullivan is cheering him on to do so.  Spinebuster OUTTA NOWHERE.  "Buddy Holly told his girlfriend that one time.  She said, 'I'm going to school.  You ain't going with me', and he said, 'Well boolah boolah'.  That's where I got that from."  Dusty presents is soaked in American history.  "Yeah, and sometimes he's just soaked."  Oh, Tony.  Arn has turned the tables and is himself focused on Lex's lower back and ribs.  Lex avoids a ref bump, but Arn shoves Lex into the ref anyway.  He uses this opportunity to get a chair.  Lex ducked and hit a shitty slingshot into the ring post.  The padded ring post that has been mentioned at least 4 times as being really padded and useless tonight.  Lex uses the chair.  Torture rack for the win.  Lex won't release the hold.  The decision should have been reversed.  Flair and Jarrett come out to check on Arn.  He's injured.  He's stretchered out.

TO TONY THE TIGER.  Lee hypes the hotline to find out about Sting.  He then talks with Harlem Heat.

Faces of Fear vs Christ Benoit/Steve McMichael

Meng and Mongo start the match.  This could be fun.  FoF are at their best when they can knock the shit out of someone that can knock the shit out of them.  Mongo and Meng have a collision that Mongo gets the better of and tags are made.  Meng's sumo is too much for Mongo.  Mongo's football is too much for Meng's sumo.  So Meng just kicks him in the head instead.  Mongo throws dropkicks!  Even though Mongo was awful as a color guy and not a good wrestler, he always tried his hardest.  Back drop into powerbomb!  Such a dope move.  "Oh hey, Imma chuck this 200 plus pounds at you.  Catch it and snatch it out of the air into a powerbomb, okay?"  Benoit shoves off the super belly to belly.  It doesn't matter.  Barb got it anyway.  Jeeeezus that move is insane.  Benoit went almost to the Slim Jim logo in the opposite corner.  Double diving headbutts.  Tony brings up the one time save rule in tag wrestling, which was thrown out years ago.  Modified Power Plex.  Mongo pulls Benoit out of the ring and whacks Meng with the briefcase.  Benoit hits the Flying Eagle.  Horsemen win!  The DoD attack after the match.  Mongo eats a piledriver on the briefcase.  Konnan grabbed Woman by the throat and tries to drag her off.  Benoit is trying to fight the entire DoD on his own like he's Hulk Hogan.  Arn was taken to the hospital and Jeff/Flair went with him.  Benoit eats all of the finishers.  Sullivan takes his shirt off and is going to show Woman why he's still, "the man".  I thought he was going to beat her, but he beats Benoit instead.

TO THE DIBIASE.  He rants about the nWo winning all the titles before introducing the Outsiders.

The Outsiders vs Harlem Heat WCW Tag Team Championships

All nWo members have entered from the crowd with security tonight.  Security also took Syxx and Giant out of the building after their matches, so they are gone.  The last time Parker and Sherri were in Vegas, they were supposed to get married.  But they didn't and they still aren't married.  Dusty thinks only Sherri should be out there since she's the one with all the smarts.  The Outsiders are FAR more over.  The crowd pops huge when they grab the titles and a loud RAZOR RAZOR chant breaks out.  Hall and Book begin. SPOOKY FINGERS!  Something is going on in the crowd that gets everyone distracted.  Book controls with his speed and kicks until Hall decks him in the mouth.  Hall gets thrown to the floor and attacked by Stevie, so he spits at Stevie in the ring and the crowd knows shit is ON.  Nash tags in and the DIESEL DIESEL chants start up.  Nash gets Stevie in the corner and goes to town.  Stevie returns the favor.  The crowd doesn't know how to respond.  They're definitely super into Hall and Nash, but cheer when Harlem Heat beat them down.  But then boo when Book hits a scissors kick on Nash.  It's an interesting atmosphere, though.  Big side slam on Stevie.  After some cheap shots, the Outsiders stay in complete control.  Book is stuck.  Hall catching Booker out of the air with the fall away slam was impressive as shit.  Sherri slaps the DOG SHIT out of Hall.  Hall kisses her.  Hot tag to Stevie.  He press slams Hall into Nash.  Harlem Hangover connects!  Book won't get out of the ring.  Parker gives Nash his cane at the risk of getting his ass kick.  Nash hits Stevie twice.  Hall makes the cover.  New champions!  The nWo now has the WCW and tag titles, plus possession of the US Championship.  The take over is almost complete.

TO THE HOGAN.  Hogan cuts his promo from the crowd, wearing his hair piece from 3 Ninjas.  

Randy Savage vs Hollywood Hogan WCW Championship

Macho brings out his Macho Monster Truck, which is amazing.  Giant is back with Hogan, which everyone seems confused about.  What's interesting about this is that back in January, when Macho was champion, they said the next time they were in Vegas, they'd have a match for the title.  9 months later, here they are in Vegas in a match for the title.  

The Giant is sent to the back.  DiBiase is allowed to stay.  Zbyszko level stalling from Hogan.  Unlike the last match, the crowd is 100% behind Macho.  That's kind of always how it was.  Hogan was NEVER as cool as Hall and Nash.  Once Hulk stops stalling, he gets in some cheap shots and is in control.  That hair.  It's amazing.  You'd think they'd make his hairline lower for a piece, but no.  It starts half way up his head.  He's also doing this bizarre dancing.  It's great.  Like he's Kamala or something.  BOOLAH BOOLAH.  I think that's Hulk's physical interpretation of the phrase.  Hulk's sunglasses don't come off until like 8 minutes in.  Macho SCALPS HIM! "He's a lookin as clean as a Safeway chicken right now, boys!"  Macho then tries to shove the piece down Hulk's throat.  Death by toupee.  Macho uses a chair and it is okay because it is on the floor I guess.  Hulk returns the favor.  The post and guard rail are also used.  Hulk kisses Macho's bald spot for some reason.  Liz comes out in a disgusting dress.  Orange, green, and pink.  The fans rejoice in being able to see Hulk's ass.  Hulk uses Liz as a shield.  The brawl continues all around the ring.  Hulk uses Liz AGAIN.  He throws her into Macho and hits an ax bombaaaa.  Hulk hits the big boot.  Liz gets in the ring and lays over Macho before Hulk can hit the leg drop.  Hulk admonishes Liz and by the time he goes for the leg drop, Macho has moved.  Liz steals the international object from Hulk.  Ref bump.  Ted takes the object back.  Nick Patrick comes to the ring to replace Randy Anderson.  Mark Curtis also arrives on the scene.  Macho hits the elbow drop!  Nick Patrick's neck acts up before he can count to 3.  Macho decks him.  Macho gets the object and stabs Hulk in the head with it.  DiBiase distracts Macho.  Giant comes out and chokeslams Macho on the floor. Giant places Hogan over Macho.  Nick Patrick counts the pin.  Title retained.

After the match, Giant brings a giant goblet of ice water, spills most of it, then dumps the rest on Hulk to wake him up.  Ice bucket challenge.  As Hulk rants, bag pipe music starts up.  It's RODNEY THE PIPER!  Hogan is LEGIT SHOOK!  Hulk tries to give Piper credit for making wrestling so big, but Piper isn't hearing it.  Wait, Piper says he's just as big of an icon as Hulk is, which is what Hulk just tried to say to him.  "Let me have my peace cuz I'm SHOOTING with this one, folks.  I don't care.  I'm a multi-millionare, too."  Hulk cuts Piper off as he rants about his history.  Hulk again gives Piper his due.  But Piper won't stop.  He brings up Wrestlemania and says that they wouldn't have cheered Hulk as much if they hadn't have hated Piper so much.  Piper is the only guy Hulk never beat.  He wants Hulk to admit that Piper is as big of a star as him.  HE HAS. TWICE.  And he does it AGAIN and shakes Piper's hand.  "Then straighten up."  Hulk tells Piper he's supposed to squat in that kilt.  "Maybe we need to have the war that didn't settle the score."  That doesn't even make sense.  PPV time runs out while Piper is still rambling.          

What kind of world have I entered where Rey/Dean and Eddie/DDP were the least entertaining matches of the night?  Giant/Jeff was really fun.  Shockingly fun.  Jeff was a great face in the few times he got to be one after jumping to the big time.  Dude also had HOPS.  Outsiders/HH was fun as shit due to the atmosphere.  Hogan/Macho was very entertaining just on Hogan being outrageously over the top the whole match.  The match itself was whatever, but it was fun to watch.  Then Piper comes out.  I'm going to choose to believe that Hogan intentionally undercut Piper's promo by saying that Piper was as big of a star as him even before Piper started talking, then again in the middle of the promo.  So then Piper had to keep going and sounded like a rambling idiot because he's asking Hulk to say something Hulk has already said twice.  That seems like a Hogan move and I'm going to choose to believe it.  Pretty fun show.

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