WCW Great American Bash 2000

It was just 2 weeks ago when Goldberg finally returned to WCW after losing a SHOOT fight to a limo. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?! He's been on a warpath, destroying the New Blood 

TO THE BACK. Police are everywhere, waiting for Goldberg to arrive.

The MIA come out and all get to cut a terrible promo. Chavo has a grenade and threatens to kill the Filthy Animals. 

Lt. Loco vs Disco Inferno WCW Cruiserweight Championship

Disco and his Kobe Bryant gear. As of 2015, the Lakers franchise is dead. Dead and berried. Never coming back. It's over. The dream is dead. The MIA names are so dadboner. Slick Johnson doesn't seem to care at all about the MIA all ganging up on Disco on the floor right in front of him.  I wonder how Disco got to be in the Filthy Animals. Chavo hits a big dive from the top. Now, all the Animals were standing around, but he didn't hit any of them. Konnan fell anyway. Pops, Captain General Cock's grandfather, stolls out and hits on Tygress. Konnan attacks him and he appears to have a heart attack and die. During all this mess, Juvi gets involved and misses the Juvi Elbow. Chartbuster! And then Lash hit his finisher and pulled Chavo over Disco RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE REF, who counted the pin anyway. Title retained. Then things break down in the Impact Zone. Major Gunns gives Pops CPR. He comes to, looks at Gunns, then dies again so she'll keep it up. Then he tries to rape her and everyone laughs.


TO THE MEAN PAISAN. The Mamalukes will be facing Kronik to determine the true number one contendership for the tag titles. Gene tries to stir up shit, as he is wont to do.

TO THE BACK. Police officers let Bischoff and Cat know that they have things under control and not to worry about Goldberg. 

Kronik vs The Mamalukes Number One Contendership

Mark Madden brags about reading newsletters and the internet because NO ONE has been able to get the scoop on what Bischoff's surprise for Nash is tonight. Going for maximum SWERVEAGE. Wrath and JTB begin. Madden says the Mamalukes are one of the few teams that could compete in size and strength with Kronik. They're both like...4 inches shorter than both members of Kronik. And Vito is shaped like an egg. Kronik mostly control the match. A big "VITO SUCKS" chant breaks out when he's not even in the ring. I can't argue. He does, indeed, suck. Crush had a lot of pretty dope power moves, including a gnarly F5. It's just...he sucked at literally everything else. Vito gets too concerned about where his hardcore belt went and completely missed JTB getting hit with High Time. Kronik are the number one contenders. Notice that both members of Kronik were in the ring for like 2 minutes with the ref not even giving a warning.

TO THE PAM. DDP is the guest. Pamela Paulshock is really, really bad at her job. DDP called her a bimbo and calls Kim a "super bitch". So much 'xism.

Mike Awesome vs DDP Ambulance Match

DDP wheels out Kanyon, still in a halo after Awesome tried to kill him last month. Madden makes an actual good call, saying how dangerous and stupid that is. Lol the first spot is a mistimed botch of both men punching the ref. Awesome controls the match, focusing on the constantly injured back/ribs/neck of DDP. Powerbomb through a table. A running chair shot comes nowhere close to DDP's head. "UP YURS!" Awesome and DDP call spots louder than Cena. Kim runs out with a big pipe. She drills DDP in the kidneys with it. Miss Hancock runs out and drags her to the back. Okay. Not even a cat fight. Just pulled her to the back. Awesome tries an avalanche Awesome Bomb. DDP fights out and hits an avalanche Kanyon Cutter. BANG! James Storm is one of the EMTs and he had a terrible hair cut. And body. Eric Bischoff comes out and threatens Kanyon with a chair. DDP blasts Bischoff. KANYON STANDS UP. KANYON CUTTER OFF THE STAGE! BANG! SWERVE! MY GOD! Awesome wins!


GI Bro vs Shawn Stasiak Boot Camp Match

Some asshole has the most annoying whistle I've ever heard and won't stop blowing it. FUCK. This is just a last man standing match. Both are in fatigues and camo face paint. This night is basically Uncensored 2, as from this point on, every match is a gimmick or has a stipulation. Really, really boring. There was a pretty dope gutwrench powerbomb from Meat, so there's that, I suppose. As Booker was about to win, Chuck Palumbo ran down with the Lex Flexer. Meat used it for a low blow. Book end up fighting both of them off anyway. Stasiak is unable to make the 10 count after a hit from the Flexer.

TO THE BACK. Kanyon is chilling in the back when Mean Gene barges in and asks him WHY. You see, Bischoff visited him more than anyone in the hospital and said he could have DDP's spot if he put him out. Footage is shown of DDP fighting out of the ambulance. In the background was Goldberg's monster truck. Am I to believe he drives his monster truck to shows? Kanyon christens himself, "Positively Kanyon". BANG!

Shane Douglas vs The Wall Best of 5 Tables Match

"First off, you Baltimore pieces of shit, sit down!" Rude. It's not really "best of" 5. It's the first to put someone through 5 tables. Best out of 5 would be the first to put someone through 3 tables. These people don't know their maths. Shane goes through the first table via chokeslam. 1-0. About a minute later, Shane goes through another one. 2-0. Shane is fine literally seconds later, hitting low blows and taunting and shit. A dope "David Hasselhoff is my hero" sign around the aisle way. Shane leads Wall out to an area with a giant ladder and stacked tables off to the side of the stage. So...who set that up? Did Shane pay the stagehands to set that up ahead of time with the idea of making this match best of 5? Or was it something Shane saw set up and decided to change the match when he went to the ring? Even in a tables match, Shane uses an international object. Wall goes flying off the ladder through 3 tables, which gives Shane the win. So, Shane says the rules are the first guy to go through 5 tables loses. The announcers say the same, then talk about how that isn't really how best out of 5 works. And then Shane wins after Wall goes through 3 tables. After the match, Wall chokeslams a ref through another table that was in the area.


TO THE BACK. Police let a car in. It's HOLLYWOOD HOGAN! Driving in full wrestling gear in his Charger. 

Tank Abbott/Rick Steiner vs Scott Steiner Asylum Match

Rick was added to the match as it started. The Asylum is a tiny cage that fits inside of the ring. Before Rick shows up, Scott is beating the shit out of Tank. Maybe they should have lowered the cage a bit before the match started, since this thing takes minutes to get to the ring. This is a circle inside of the squared circle. After beating down Scott for a couple of minutes, Tank wants to use a chain. Rick thinks that is too much and convinces Tank not to use it. Tank agrees. Then Tank punches anyway, but hits Rick. It is unclear if it was supposed to be intentional or if Rick took the shot for Scott. Either way, it looked awful. At best, it looked like Rick might have been hit in the elbow by the punch. Scott uses the chain and forces Tank to pass out via Steiner Recliner. All of this happened in less than 4 minutes.

TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Hollywood is back, jack. No more Real Ass Terry Bollea. WTF is that giant bruise on Gene's hand? 

TO THE BACK. A black limo arrives. It's...RIC FLAIR and his family. The Goldberg monster truck is still driving around. If that thing has been driving around for almost an hour and a half, he must have had to fill up like 3 times. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!

Hulk Hogan vs Billy Kidman Special Guest Referee: Horace Hogan

If Kidman wins, Hulk has to retire. If Hogan wins, he gets a title shot next month at Bash at the Beach. The idea of Kidman retiring Hulk Hogan is incredible. A stroke of genius. Madden berries Hogan as not being as cool or good as Hall or Nash. Hogan beats Kidman all around ringside. Despite Horace having SWERVED Hulk and joined the New Blood, he's calling it right down the middle. Listen, people shit on Hogan, but he's pretty much the most over dude even at this point in WCW. Probably MORE than he had been for a bit due to how lame the WCW roster was at the time. The only offense Kidman can get involves a chair. Hulk is HULKING UP, BROTHER! The leg drop never comes. Instead, Kidman gets hip tossed through the announce table. Torrie strolls out. She gives Hogan brass knuckles. Kidman bumps Hulk into her, knocking her off the apron, and then uses da knuz. Hulk kicks out! Kidman also decks Horace for being an impartial ref. Then Torrie hits Kidman in the junk. Just right in the dick. Hulk pins Kidman after using the brass knuckles. Hulk will get a title shot next month. This feud sure didn't do shit for Kidman. The only time he beat Hulk was with a ton of interference and cheating. The rest of the time, Hulk beat his ass, and then his woman also turned on him. As it turns out, Horace joining the New Blood was a big Hogan SWERVE. Kidman tried to warn everyone, but no one believed him. Hey, remember when Hulk beat the shit out of Horace to prove he was serious in the nWo again? I guess Horace got over that.


TO THE BACK. Bischoff is on the phone. A cop asks him if things are okay. Officer Cop says everything is under control.

TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE. You'd think Ric would have cut a somber and serious promo for a match with his SON. But nah. Typical coke head Flair promo. 

TO THE MEAN PAM. Lol, Pam straight up berries David. Russo ends up cutting his promo for David.

Ric Flair vs David Flair

Ric will retire if he loses this match. The Flair Family is brought out to sit at ringside for this.  I don't like this. This isn't like Vince vs Shane. This is just awkward and uncomfortable. When Ric starts chopping the shit out of David and slapping him in the face. "TAKE HIM OUT! MY DAD USED TO GIVE ME SHIT, TOO!" Lol. Only a wrestling fan. David actually dominates the first few minutes. Then Ric just starts knocking the shit out of his son and I don't care for this one bit. No one involved looks like they want to be doing this, except Russo. Speaking of Russo, he hits Ric with a bat and handcuffs him. Reid gets pie faced by Russo. Reid responds with a low blow, which Russo sells via ragdoll physics. Reid gets the handcuff key. David roughs him up, but Lil Naitch unlocked Ric. Charlotte cuffs Russo on the floor. "YOU BITCH!" Ric Flair just stomped his son in the genitals. What the fuck. Ric wins with the figure four. The only kind of interesting part of this was Ric Flair being on the opposite side of all the Ric Flair spots. Russo got chopped after the match. The rest of the Flair family celebrates with Ric. It got super awkward when Ric insisted the whole family do suck it signs to Russo and David. LOL at Mama Flair being completely embarrassed and just stopping half way through it. That's probably what caused the divorce. Russo claims he will retire Flair himself tomorrow night.


Vampiro vs Sting Human Torch Match

Sting is already atop of the Turner Tron, where the torch now rests. His hair looks like shit. "You can tell that's not Hogan's torch, guys. He never would have passed it." Sting says Vamp will have to face him up there, but then repels down and the match starts in the ring anyway. After a few boring minutes of action, Vamp douses Sting in gasoline. They fight up to the torch. Sting is set on fire and falls from the top of the Tron and through the stage. Vamp wins! One of the worst gimmick matches of ALL TIME. Just terrible. "This is not wrestling anymore." All of them Owen Voices. The replays show that the entire left side of the stage wasa giant crash pad. So they keep showing it. 


TO THE BACK. Bischoff is still on the phone. Pam shows up and asks about the big surprise. The big surprise is there will be no big surprise. SWERVE! Lol.

Kevin Nash vs Jeff Jarrett WCW Championship

Commissioner Cat comes out and introduces the Filthy Animals as bell ringer, time keeper, belt keeper, and ring announcer. Even though Buffer already did announcements. Cat then reveals himself as special enforcer. Of course, there is a bunch of inference in this 1995 Raw match. There are random loud rumbles, which gets everyone confused and the fans chanting for Goldberg. Hey, announcers. Do you think possibly it could be that giant Goldberg monster truck you've seen 3 times tonight? Something to think about. Things head into the crowd. Jeff uses a chair liberally in the ring. Ref doesn't give a shit.  Jeff works on the knee after Rey got cheap shot in. So Nash fights back, fights off all the members of the Filthy Animals, the ref gets bumped, he kicks out of the Stroke, Cat short counts him, he powerbombs Cat, powerbombs Jeff, Charles Robinson tries to make the pin only to be cut off by Rick steiner, Tank Abbott runs out and is cut off by Scott Steiner, then Goldberg and his monster truck come out and...he spears Nash! SWERVE! "HOLY JESUS HE SPEARED KEVIN NASH!" Jeff wins. Title retained. Goldberg celebrates with Russo and Bischoff. 


That finish was about as Russo as anything Russo ever done did Russo'd. 3 ref bumps, 9 run ins if you count Cat, a monster truck, and a top face turning heel strictly for DA SWERVE. The rest of the show was pretty assy. Not very enjoyable.