WCW Great American Bash 1991
The show starts with as we follow a camera man (and see through his eyes) as he arrives to the arena, buys tickets, gets merch hawked to him, and finally enters the arena.
PN News/Bobby Eaton vs Steve Austin/Terrance Taylor Scaffold Match
Austin's music is SO cheesy. It's amazing. The rules for this now include a capture the flag aspect as someone figured out it wasn't a good idea to have a 300 pounder fall from a scaffold. Look, scaffold matches always suck. Always. You could have the best wrestlers in the world in the match and it would suck. This is no different. It's terrible, boring shit. Bobby gets the opposing flag and it seems like the match is over, but Lady Blossom gave Austin a can of hair spray to spray the eyes of the faces. Everyone starts climbing down and the announcement that the match is over comes about 2 minutes after the finish. Taylor ends up taking a bump from right around top rope height. Fucking terrible. God. This show is going to be amazing. The crowd has already been taken out back and shot in the face and it is only the first match.
JR and Tony talk about the controversy over the WCW Championship and Ric Flair. Ric Flair has been stripped of the title. WCW offered him a new deal, which he refused, so he's been removed from the main event, which will now be Barry Windham vs Lex Luger for the title in a cage.
TO THE BISCHOFF. Eric speaks with Paul E. and Arn. Rick Steiner will get a cage match against Paul tonight. And Arn will be Paul's partner. Everyone involved looks like they hate life.
JR and Tony continue to talk to cover for the scaffold stuff being taken down. JR really looks like he doesn't like Tony at all.
Diamond Studd vs Z-Man
God damn does DDP look like a fucking shit head. American flag jacket (with tassels), rhinestone jeans (with tassels and a US flag patch) tucked into white cowboy boots, and a fanny pack with DDP in rhinestones. What a cunt. A woman gets pulled from the crowd to strip Hall. Z-Man dives into the ring, attacking both Hall and DDP. DDP then gives him a low bridge and Hall throws him into the crowd. Hall is fucking swoll. Bigger than he ever was as Razor. Hall hasn't figured out his move set yet as he falls victim to a crossbody instead of turning it into the fall away slam. Fans are dead. People in the front row are literally sitting with their arms folded, or their heads in their hands. Or not even looking at the ring. One guy is really pissed with DDP, though. Short chokeslam. Lariato. This isn't good at all. Oh what the fuck, only one of DDP's pant legs is tucked into his cowboy boot. He's such a piece of shit. DDP was pulled into the ring and knocked around, taking one of the worst rope bumps (on a kick that wasn't even close to landing) I've ever seen.. Hall won with a bridging back suplex. Tony brought up how awesome the DDD (Razor's Edge) was multiple times during the match, so of course it wasn't even teased once.
Oz vs Ron Simmons
FUCK. Apparently, Oz has only had 2 televised matches since his debut at Superbrawl. Such a stupid fucking gimmick. At least they didn't have the scarecrow/lion/tin man/Dorthy this time. You know what sounds like a good idea? Putting a 7 foot guy with very little experience against a power wrestler with little solo experience and expecting them to have anything good. They trade shoulder blocks with neither man moving. Nash ends it with a big boot. Because they had a high camera for the scaffold match, they want to get as much use out of it as possible. There is one really loud guy yelling BORING. Nash gets knocked over the ropes. I can see why Nash wore pants for the rest of his career. He's got weird looking legs. He has what appears to be the opposite of bow legs. Knock kneed, I guess. This is so boring. So boring that the fan is too bored to chant boring anymore. Oz loses to a flying shoulder block.
We're shown the WCW top ten.
Robert Gibson vs Richard Morton
While Gibson was out hurt, Morton turned heel and joined the York Foundation. And while everyone else that joins the Foundation gets a new look and slicked back hair style, Morton still dresses exactly the same. I don't think this is a feud anyone ever wanted. Morton tries to stooge around and keep his distance. The mullets on this show are exquisite. After a lot of stalling, Morton goes after the freshly healed knee of Gibson. Moron rips GIbson's tights so he can get to the knee brace underneath. Fans have no idea how they are supposed to react to this. Morton only turned heel like a week prior, if that. So now all of the sudden these fans are seeing the RNRs fighting each other, which I don't think anyone really ever wanted to see. Then they have a match were Morton is just a total cock to his best friend for no real reason. I don't think there was even really a story reason for Morton to turn on Robert. Gibson was out hurt for months and when he finally came back, Morton decided to join the York Foundation. Gibson tried to talk him out of it and now they hate each other. Morton applies a TERRIBLE figure four for what feels like 10 minutes. Dude's leg wasn't even on Gibson's crossed leg. Maybe this would be a good match with a better story going into it, but as it is, it is boring and the fans are completely indifferent to it. Just like everything else on this show so far. You know what sounds like a good idea? Two great tag wrestlers that rarely work singles matches having a 17 minute singles match on PPV where one of them is on his back for about 80% of the match. Oh, and have one of them work dick head heel when he's been a fiery FIP babyface his whole career. And after all this leg work, Robert is still throwing dropkicks. In fact, they both throw dropkicks at the same time on the ramp. Morton ends up tapping Gibson in the shoulder blade with the computer calculator, which JR calls as the back of the head, for the win. Fans were not happy with the match or the show. Someone threw a bucket of popcorn at the camera crew on the stage. Maybe they were aiming for Robert.
TO THE BISCHOFF. Eric speaks with the Young Pistols and Dustin Rhodes about their match with...the Freebirds and Baddstreet. FUCK. Dustin is doing a 100% Dusty impression for his promo. I actually thought Dusty was talking. Dead on.
Dustin Rhodes/Young Pistols vs Fabulous Freebirds/Baddstreet Elimination Match
FUCK ME GOD DAMN IT THIS FUCKING SHOW. I hate everything. These pieces of shit Freebirds. Fucking garbage. I wish Jimmy had been flying the Malaysian Air plane just so Michael Hayes could record another song as a "tribute" to a fallen friend only for it actually to be an excuse for him to blow himself and be a selfish cunt who should have died in the 80s. I know that fucking cunt has raped someone and bragged about it. It was probably a black woman so he could laugh about it and call her a dumb nigger bitch because Michael Hayes is a miserable piece of shit. If he died tomorrow, the world would be a better place. Racist raping scum bag cunt. Even the announcers are bored with this shit. I wish Mark Henry has snapped Hayes' fucking neck. How does that shitbag work for a publicly traded company? How the fuck does he work anywhere? Who the fuck would want to hire a guy like him? I wouldn't even pay him to eat dog shit. I'm stunned he hasn't been in a stand your ground case where he shot a black kid because he was looking in his general direction from 8 blocks away. Dustin was the sole survivor.
Yellow Dog vs Johnny B. Badd
Yellow Dog is Brian Pillman in a yellow mask. I'm not sure what the story was, but I assume it was the traditional "guy is fired/suspended and comes back under a mask" gimmick. If he is unmasked and found to be Pillman, Pillman will not be able to reapply for his license. Wouldn't the Yellow Dog also need to be licensed? And shouldn't that mean that whoever gave him his license already fucking knows he's Brian Pillman? This is Johnny's in ring debut. So this dude showed up at SuperBrawl and hasn't even wrestled yet? There were technical difficulties on the original broadcast, so some of the match only has sound. I wish the master tape had been thrown in a fire that contained Michael Hayes' dead body. And anyone who taped it would be haunted and killed Ring style until no more copies existed. Unsurprisingly, Mero looks like he has no clue of what he's doing. It's as if he was only trained on how to remember to do his taunts and posing. Pillman is sloppy because his mask doesn't fit. Teddy Long jumped in the ring to try to get the mask off, causing a DQ. Makes sense for Johnny B. Badd's first match to end in him losing via DQ because of his manager.
TO THE BACK. Eric gets to conduct an interview with Missy Hyatt in her locker room. She got a sweet card from Jason Hervey. FUCK JASON HERVEY. I hope Stan Hansen is in there just plowing Missy. Dip and jizz everywhere. Eric is a fucking creep and totally spies on her in the shower. She throws things at him and he throws it back to JR and Tony.
Big Josh vs Blackblood Lumberjack Match
Where are the fucking bears? BRING BACK THE BEARS. Blackblood is bill from "A little town in France". He's an executioner. His name plate said Kevin Sullivan was accompanying him, but there was no Sullivan. Maybe he got lost on the god damn yellow brick road. FUCK THIS SHOW. A god damn executioner fighting a lumberjack. Can someone explain to me why Blackblood is allowed to have a blade on his ax, but Big Josh isn't? Big fucking surprise, the lumberjacks got into a fight. Twice. Blackblood was about to chop Josh's head off when Dustin hit him in the knee with the ax handle, allowing Josh to win with a small package. Fucking garbage. Everything is garbage.
One Man Gang vs El Gigante
WHO THE FUCK WOULD BOOK THIS MATCH? Gigante is fucking immobile and can't do anything. Why do they keep booking him with big stiffs that can't do anything with him? Bischoff got words with OMG and Kevin Sullivan before the match. Gang now looks like Alice Cooper ate nothing but cheeseburgers for 5 years. Sullivan is rambling about third eyes and death wagons and I want a god damn terrorist attack to bomb this show. What the fuck. Gigante comes out with 4 midgets. And they attack OMG. JR begs the fans to be patient with Gigante, which is his way of saying, "Folks, I know he fucking sucks and can't do anything but he's really big so he's going to get a push. Deal with it. jrsbarbq.com" Gang uses a plumber's wrench. A plumber hasn't seen this much shit in his life. Gigante wins with a lariato to the back of the head.
There is still almost an hour left in this show.
Sting vs Nikita Koloff Russian Chain Match
Also one of my least favorite gimmick matches. Chain matches should be a normal match with a chain attached to both men, not the touch four corners bullshit. This is going to be the only thing that has a chance of being good and no way can it be good enough to save the show. It quickly heads to the floor with Nikita being thrown into the railing a few times. This match could be 9 stars and I'd probably hate it right now. So far it is just a generic chain/strap match. I wonder what the point was of having Sting have a 6 month title run, then drop it back to Flair at a house show and hang around in the mid card when he was clearly the most popular wrestler in the company. Especially once Flair left. They should have gone with Sting vs Lex or Barry for the vacant title. Both hit the last corner at the same time, but Nikita was on the inside, so he won. It was completely unremarkable.
A ridiculously over the top hype video for Lex and Barry saying things like they're going to have the greatest wrestling match in history. As the cage lowers, WE WANT FLAIR chants start up and die off pretty quickly, leaving the crowd silent again. Joe Paterno name drop. The "WCW" Championship isn't shown close up in this version of the show, because it is actually one of Dusty's old belts from Florida since Flair had the Big Gold Belt in his possession.
Barry Windham vs Lex Luger WCW Championship Steel Cage Match
At the last show, I explained all the stupid shit with the NWA, WCW, and Ric Flair. Between Superbrawl and here, Ric Flair quit WCW. The main reason was because Jim Herd wanted him to shave his head, get ear rings, and completely drop the Ric Flair name and persona and perform under the name "Spartacus". Now, he was still the WCW and NWA champion. And the Big Gold Belt was still being used as both titles. NWA required champions to put down a $25K deposit on the title, which they would get back with interest when they dropped the belt. When he quit WCW, he was stripped of the WCW Championship, but the NWA still recognized him as their champion. WCW wouldn't give Flair his deposit money, so Flair kept the belt and took it with him to the WWF. The NWA wouldn't strip him of the title until September. So in the mean time, WCW had no physical belt and didn't have time to get one commissioned. They ended up using one of Dusty's old Florida belts with a name plate slapped on it. Wrestling is fucking stupid. The guys have a boring cage match where the fans alternate between being silent and chanting for Flair. Tony screams about how Lex is pulling out new moves such as ...a fucking sleeper. Dude is 5 years into wrestling, has been a tag champion and is what seems like a 90 time US champion and doing a sleeper is considered a new move. Barry misses his dope top rope elbow. Lex gets him in the torture rack, which Barry uses the cage to get out of and hit a back suplex. I've never heard a PPV crowd so dead for the whole show. I can't blame them because this show is fucking terrible. At least nowadays, fans will chant shit to keep themselves entertained. These fans just sit on their hands and wish they could be at home taking a painful shit. Harley Race and Mr. Hughes came out. Harley says something to Lex. Lex then hits a piledriver to win the match and is the new WCW Champion. Lex walks off with Hughes and Harley, so I guess he's now a heel. Which is amazing because he ended up being forced back into a face role for TWO FUCKING YEARS because Sting was hurt for a few months.
Paul E. Dangerously/Arn Anderson vs Rick Steiner/Missy Hyatt Steel Cage Match
Oh fuck me. I thought the god damn show was over. And now I realize, nope, the main event is a mixed tag cage match with a manager and an announcer. Paul Heyman is main eventing a PPV, guys. Dick Murdoch and Dick Slater came out and stole Missy so they could rape her. Some fan grabbed Murdoch and he tries to punch the fan in the face. This is now a handicap match. Rick easily wins anyway. Thankfully this show is fucking over.
THIS SHOW FUCKING SUCKED. It's fucking terrible. Everything. Everything is fucking terrible and everything fucking sucked. FUCK. JR's direct quote after the match, "I'm glad we don't have any more matches." Me too. Tony says that WCW has made a statement tonight. Was the statement that "We fucking suck"?.