WCW The Great American Bash 6/13/99

TO THE BACK.  A white limo arrives.  It's The No Limit Soldiers! Master P!  Curt Hennig meets them and says he loves Master P and rap music.  Master P gives him an autographed CD.  Perfect breaks is.  The NLS then make a bunch of bird sounds.  BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?

Tony and Brain clearly have no idea who Master P is.  Mike Tenay has made it clear that he's a rock/metal dude.  I find it hard to believe he knew any of the details he read about Master P.  The run down of the PPV included Knobs vs Hak, which wasn't announced on TV, but on the pre show, which included the phrase, "Those wacky hardcore guys".

Brian Knobs vs Hak Kendo Stick Match


YO!  Knobs' is debuting his My Sharona knock off them, which is so unintimidating and inappropriate for a wrestler like Knobs.  Worst of all, it's literally 4 bars on a loop.  Tony still love Chastity, who I find hot only in a dirty way as well.  Knobs suggests before the match that they drop the weapons and just punch each other.  Knobs gets rid of the trash can.  Sandman is in the process of giving away his cane when Knobs uses the trash can.  SWERVE!  We go to Pitty City.  Knobs should probably be wearing real pants instead of what are basically yoga pants.   That means you can see his tiny dick and balls.  He's shaped like Farva.  Get this fuck out of here.  Sandman throws a ladder into the ring and does a slingshot leg drop on it on Knobs.  He puts Knobs' leg in it and hits with a chair.  It doesn't matter because Knobs is up seconds later no selling it and stiffing Sandman.  Sandman misses a flipping senton on top of the ladder.  Jimmy Hart holds a chair on the apron.  Knobs gets sent into it, which knocked Jimmy off the apron and apparently busted him open hardway.  Something did.  Knobs turns around right into a cane shot.  Hak wins!  YO!  After the match, Hugh Morrus hit the ring.  They gave him a spike piledriver.  Hugh did a moonsault on a ladder on top of Sandman, and Knobs followed it up by jumping on the ladder with a trash can.  This kendo stick match had all of ONE kendo stick strike.  At least Sandman got a PPV win.

TO THE BACK.  Piper was getting some tape when Buff came by and they had a sarcastic, passive aggressive thank fest.

Mikey Whipwreck vs Van Hammer


Come on, WCW.  This is a PPV.  This match is a mid card Thunder match at BEST.  Unsurprisingly, the crowd is completely dead for it.  Nick Patrick's mullet is in full force tonight.  That's the best I can say about this match.  There was a stalling superplex, which was the only thing to get a reaction.  Hammer doing the abdominal stretch while grabbing the ropes spot is stupid.  Especially against a guy like Mikey.   Hammer is like 6 feet 6 inches and 300 pounds of muscle.  That's a god damn IRS spot, not a Van Hammer spot.  Hammer put the steps next to the railing.  He picks Mikey up, walks up the steps, and drops him throat first on the railing.  The move was whatever, but after Mikey landed, a woman in the front row face palmed him and the look he shot her after was fantastic.  Hammer won easily with a cobra clutch slam.  I'm pretty sure Brain said, "Mikey Sheepdick". 

Disco Inferno vs Buff Bagwell


This is Buff's chance to carry the ball as this special edition of Thunder rolls on.  They do pose offs for fan support to start out.  I find Disco much more aesthetically appealing.  Besides Buff being way top heavy, he can't wear normal clothes.  He's too big and looks stupid when wearing anything.  Disco has the kind of body I'd want to rock at a beach, not Buff's.  He's also a better wrassler.  Disco gets the better of Buff in the opening minutes.  Buff regroups on the floor and comes back in the ring with a spinning neck breaker.  Disco goes for the Blockbuster.  Disco sees it and bails to the floor.    Buff does some of Disco's dance moves and flips him off.  That's rude.  Stun gun and lariatoo from Disco.  He continues to work the neck for a while, but missed a second rope elbow.  Buff makes his come back.  He goes up for the Blockbuster.  Disco knocks him off the ropes.  Last Dance on the floor!  I guess the floor made it more devastating.  Buff makes it in the ring before a 10 count, but he's pretty out of it.  Disco attempts a Macarena piledriver.  Buff gets out of it and is on fire again.  Disco ducks a Blockbuster, which Buff faked out and hit when Disco go back up.   It mostly missed, but Disco took it like a boss anyway.  It's about 50 minutes into the show and nothing interesting has happened.  It really is an episode of Thunder so far.

Rey Mysterio Jr./Konnan vs Bobby Duncum Jr./Curt Hennig


DJ Ran gets a PPV pay day to introduce the No Limit Soldiers, who got to take up the front two rows at ringside.  I'm sure fans loved that.  Tenay would probably take rap over country.  Bobby prefers marching music.  The Rednecks aren't officially the Rednecks yet, but they do have their song.  It only has the chorus, though.  More gas masks.  They should really take the Cruiserweight Championship off of Rey.  There is no need for him to have it while he's doing feuds with heavyweights.  It's not even like the Rednecks ever got a cruiserweight to face him or anything.  This is yet another PPV where Konnan got a payday while Norman Smiley is no where to be found.  I'm pretty sure Master P got paid more than anyone on this show, and probably more than what the gate was worth.  Duncum hit a pretty boss powerbomb on Rey, but fuck a Konnan match.  There was a spot in this match were Perfect literally put his asshole on Rey's head in the corner.  It was like a stinkface, but on top of Rey's head instead of his face.  This is the same match they had on Nitro two weeks ago.  It's actually more boring because it is so much slower paced.  Barry Windham ran out with work gloves and beat up Konnan on the floor.  The No Limit Soldiers jumped the rail.  SWOLL nailed Duncum.  Rey pinned him.  The NLS were chased out by security and the Rednecks continued to beat down Rey and Konnan and stood tall after the match.  I noticed Johnny The Bull and Reno as security guards.  I think I saw Elix Skipper on a replay.

The Cat vs Scott Norton

Horace came out instead of Norton.  Horace is mad over his crowbaring on Nitro.  "You couldn't even beat your own self up, if you know what I mean."  Is Horace implying that Cat doesn't know how to jerk off?  Highly unlikely.  Only WCW would do a bait and switch for a match that wasn't even announced.  Get this shit out of here.  This is a PAY PER VIEW.  And one of big four for WCW, if they had such a thing.  Cat won after a kick with a loaded shoe.

Ric Flair vs Roddy Piper


Arn is with Ric.  Remember a few months ago when Arn refused to let Ric screw over and get a cheap win over Barry Windham?  It was never mentioned again.  Remember on Nitro when Arn couldn't believe Flair was SWERVING Benoit, and therefore took Ric's place in the match?  You'd think Ric would be pissed about that.  It wasn't mentioned again.  Piper is announced as the troubleshooting commissioner.  HE WAS FUCKING FIRED.  TWICE.  FUCK.  He can't be the commissioner and he shouldn't even be wrestling.  Piper was 45 and Flair was 50 during this match.  Bischoff gave Vince shit for tired, same old shit on Nitro.  This show is garbage.  Maybe we'll get to see Flair's pasty white flabby ass again.  Oh hey, there it is.  Roddy Piper is just awful.  He does a series of the worst lariatoos I've ever seen and then does a sleeper so shitty that it makes the STFU look like a Steiner was doing it to someone in Japan in 1992.  It looked like he was gently hugging Flair's head.  Buff ran out and attacked Arn, who was cheating.  Then he jumped in the ring and went after Flair, causing a disqualification.  Piper decked Buff.  Spinebuster from Arn.  Arn is retired and only has one working arm and he's still the best worker in the ring.  Flair and Arn hold Buff so Piper can whip him.  Flair was announced as "Still president of WCW".  Besides ONE promo from Piper, there was never an announcement that this match was for control of WCW.  Not from the announcers, not from Flair, not from advertising, and not from David Penzer. 

DJ Ran takes up 2 minutes of PPV time for no reason.

Sting vs Rick Steiner WCW TV Championship Falls Count Anywhere

Why yes, Sting is involved in a feud for the TV Championship.  The same Sting who is probably a 6 time world champion by this point and the franchise of the company.  In fact, he was WCW Champion last month.  This is about the same as The Undertaker going after the European Championship in 2002 after losing the Undisputed Championship.  This is a bullshit brawl.  Of all the talent WCW had, why do they have the shittiest guys on PPV?  Rick Steiner, Konnan, Van Hammer, Roddy Piper, this era of Randy Savage.  They spent the whole match in the ringside area, only to go to the back at the very end.  Scott Steiner and Tank were back there with dogs attacked him.  Sting's gloves were suddenly much more padded and he had a towel that Tank choked him with.  The camera editing was so awful.  Scott released a rottweiler and then we see a shot of security running as fast as they can to Sting before a dissolve to the arena.  The Steiners come out with a ref and make him declare Rick the winner.  Rick botches his own catchphrase by saying "You want some, you got it" instead of "Come get some".  Scott again said WCW sucked.  Rick then said, "Who's the shittiest town in America? BALTIMORE!"  Omar comin' for YOU, ninja!  The dog thing and following promo is right up there with the worst garbage WCW ever did.

DDP/Kanyon vs Chris Benoit/Saturn WCW Tag Team Championships


This is the only thing that can be a possible bright spot on this dog shit show.  Saturn and Benoit come out with the belts, but I'm not sure if they actually won the titles on Thunder or not.  DDP has some massive knee braces on.  Kanyon and Benoit start out.  Benoit shows him up.  It breaks down very quickly with the Triad being knocked to the floor.  Tags are made.  Saturn does a springboard leg drop that he mostly misses.  Saturn and Kanyon go to the floor.  Bam Bam trips Benoit up and he gets knocked to the floor himself.  Bam Bam throws him on a guard rail.  Second rope fameasser from Kanyon.  Benoit gets out of a powerbomb and dodges the spinning lariatoo.  He attempts the Rolling Reich, but Kanyon broke it up.  Batista Bomb.  Kanyon misses a moonsault.  Saturn does a terrible frog splash to DDP.  Electric chair drop.  Triad control Saturn for a while.  DDP did a terrible Superfly splash.  Heel DDP is so lame.  I can't believe how badly WCW botched him.  Dude was as over as anyone in 1997 and 1998.  Crowds picked him over Sting and Goldberg.  So they turned him heel for no reason, not even a storyline reason, gave him the title a year after they should have, had him lose it and regain it the same night, then lose it again and immediately be shunted to the tag titles.  How could you ruin a guy that hot?  DDP caught Saturn in a Kanyon Cutter as Saturn was jumping from the ropes.  BANG!  However, the ref was right in the way of the impact, so you couldn't even see it.  Dean came out and did one of those "is he helping or hurting" things where he was helping Saturn on the floor, but also preventing him from getting in the ring.  Super Kanyon Cutter on Benoit.  BANG!  Triad wins.  Dean is attacked after the match.   New champions.  I guess.  I don't think they really lost the belts on Thunder, but apparently they did.  This wasn't much of a bright spot, mostly because DDP is an awful heel.  He's the most generic and corny heel possible.

Randy Savage vs Kevin Nash WCW Championship


Nash was 40 in this match.  Savage was 47.  This goes along with the other marquee match, which was Flair (50) vs Piper (45).  This match was a nothing brawl and Nash sold his ribs the whole time, which gave him a pretty good excuse to not do much.  Madusa got involved a lot.  Molly did a missile drop kick.  Savage hit the elbow.  Nash kicked out. You know what would have made more sense to me?  If Asya was in Madusa's place and not with Flair.  I guess they remembered they were paying Madusa and needed to use her.  Nash hit the powerbomb.  The girls all got involved in front of the ref, who didn't care.  Nash slammed all of them.  Then SID came out and gave Nash a big boot, causing a DQ in the PPV main event.  Both of the headlining matches ended in DQ.  Sid powerbombs Nash. 

DQ Count: 2 out of 9 matches.

This show was absolute garbage.  Very, very close to Spring Stampede 2000 levels of terrible.  Besides the whole card except for the main event being an extended Thunder card, the matches themselves sucked and the angles going into them sucked.  The Tank/Steiners association hasn't been explained at all, and that thing with the dogs was one of the worst things I've ever seen in WCW or WWE.  Where was Lex to save his buddy?  Is Sting really already taking time off, having been back for 2 months after 6 month break?  Where is Goldberg?  Why can't they at least tell us he's hurt or something?  He hasn't been on or mentioned on shows for a full month now.  Why would fans want to know where the top star is?  Everything about the Nash/Savage feud has been stupid.  Bunch of shit and gay jokes and now a hummer and Sid.  And then there was the bait and switch for Cat/Norton, which wasn't even an announced match to begin with.  There was zero reason for that.