WCW Bash at the Beach 2000
TO THE BACK. SMOOV helps Cat out of his limo. Cat send him on a mission to tell the MIA and Filthy Animals that they are banned from ringside. Just then, Asian sounding music plays and the Jung Dragons arrive to fight. Cat kicks them al in the dick. BUT WHO WAS LIMO!?!?!?!?!?
Juventud Guerrera vs Lt. Loco WCW Cruiserweight Championship
Now, the Animals are banned from ringside, but they came out anyway. The MIA also come out. The Network version of the MIA's music is so far off from the original. It wasn't even an attempt to make it kind of similar. Like, MOST of the dubbed music at least sounds like a knock off. The MIA's song is completely different and goofy. Charles Robinson lets the MIA and Filthy Animals know they aren't allowed to be at ringside. Chavo dominates the opening moments, even as Madden says no one will dominate this match. Juvi's balls are really giving him a fit after an atomic drop. Juvi is being a real sack of shit in this. It's nice. Just a straight up pussy heel. Selling chops by trying to climb over the ropes. Selling his balls constantly. That kind of stuff. The Filthy Animals come out in masks. You can't tell who it is. Masters of disguise. They calmly walk back. Lol. So pointless. They didn't even interfere. This match is odd. Is Juvi stoned? He's moving like it and appearing to forget spots. Ugly as shit dominator. BILL CLINTON HAS ARRIVED! WCW already did a wrestler in a Clinton mask spot in 1998. So the MIA does the same thing as the Animals, but the refs miss Major Gunns. You see, that's her name due to her large breasts. And then Chavo wins with the tornado DDT OUTTA NOWHERE. Title retained.
TO THE OFFICE. Cat praises the Jung Dragons for their good job of keeping Cat on his toes. Then Jeff Jarrett and a large woman singing barge into the office, looking for Hogan. You see, the fat lady is singing.
Big Vito vs Norman Smiley/Ralphus WCW Hardcore Championship
Vito attacked Terry Funk on Thunder and couldn't compete. JTB was also injured, so Norman and Ralphus were mystery opponents. Unlike most WCW hardcore matches, this actually starts out in the arena and then heads to the back. Ralphus has worked on his trash can shots. Not so good at lid shots, though. Norman gets shoved into an elevator and sent away. This leaves Vito to beat the shit out of Ralphus at ringside. So rude. That chubby man didn't do shit. No need to beat his ass. Lol, Vito a gets a table out and its leg immediately breaks. He splashes Ralphus through the propped table anyway. Title retained. Kind of a waste of...well, I don't know.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Kevin Nash is the guest and talks about Scott Hall's contract. He hasn't been himself lately because of Goldberg's bitch ass. He says he's going to "jackhammer" Goldberg.
Daffney vs Miss Hancock Wedding Gown Match
There is a giant cake at ringside, so expect that to be used. Scott Hudson lampshades the cakes in wrestling trope. David and Stacy make out before the match. Daffney hits David in the taint for it. The women cat fight so intensely that David and Slick try to pull them apart. Then they both get hit in the balls and get their pants ripped off. Slick has his shirt tucked into his tighty whities. David just stands around in his underwear waiting for spots. They try to shave Daffney's head. Crowbar saves her and takes his pants off, too. This might be the dumbest shit I've ever seen. Stacy decides to strip herself and dance to her music. Crowbar and Slick sit cross legged and bounce to the music. The wedding cake gets used all over the place. Daffney wins. This was the dumbest shit.
TO THE BACK. Cat is thinking of who can replace Hogan tonight. Is Ox Baker still under contract? Lol. The Jung Dragons pop out of hiding, but don't attack.
A lot of rumors about if Hulk Hogan is going to show up. No one has seen or heard from him in a week. The announce team talks about all of it while the ring crew cleans up all that cake. Probably would have been easier to just have a second set of outside mats instead of trying to clean icing off of plastic with rags.
The Perfect Event vs Kronik WCW Tag Team Championships
Fake Mr. Perfect and fake Lex Luger against Crush and Adam Bomb. Chuck and Crush begin. Crush quickly eliminates the champs from the ring. Kronik just dominates the opening minutes. Power moves everywhere. And then Crush has so much trouble going over the top rope. He just kind of got stuck there. From that point, Perfect Event control the pace, with Crush as the FIP. Hot tag to Wrath who...immediately slips doing a corner clothesline. The champs seem to have Kronik's number. A smartly wrestled match from them. F5 OUTTA NOWHERE. Kronik win with a powerbomb/flying lariat combo. Titles retained. This was a well laid out match. It's just a shame there was only one decent guy in the match. With 3 other decent guys, this could have been really pretty good. This HAD to be a Fit Finlay joint. Actually, whoever put this together likely put the Meat/Booker match from GAB together. They had the same kind of style. WHAT IF: Shawn Stasiak was actually really good at putting matches together?
TO THE BACK. Cat is trying to get a hold of James Brown when the music starts up again. Double J shows up and hands up on James Brown. Cat was not pleased. The music starts up again. This time, the Dragons attack.
Positively Kanyon vs Booker T
I still can't understand why DDP's music is dubbed in every instance on the Network, but somehow it has slipped through on this show for Kanyon for over a year. But it's great, because POSITIVELY KANYON. The wig doesn't last past the first spot. Crowd is super hot for Book. Lariatoooo. Book is MOLLYWHOPPING THAT BOY. Kanyon Pillmanizes Booker's arm with the ring steps. INNOVATION. Kanyon pulls out his cool movez. Like, all of them. Apron suplex, Alabama slam, fameasser thing, inverted Boston crab. Remember that time Book hit an avalanche ganso bomb on Mortis? It was brutal. I have no idea how Kanyon didn't break his neck on that. Ax kick. Book End. KANYON KICKS OUT! Double J runs out and hits Book with a guitar. Avalanche Kanyon Cutter. BANG! Kanyon wins!
TO THE BACK. Mike Awesome is hitting on the Fat Lady. Pam cockblocks him, which gets him FIIIIIIRED UP to beat the shit out of Scott Steiner.
Scott Steiner vs Mike Awesome WCW US Championship
This match immediately starts on the floor. Steiner got back dropped into that dancing fan from earlier. ECW ECW ECW. You know. That shit. The last match went into the crowd as well. Big padded chair to the head! 2xtreme4me. Once things head into the ring, Scott hits a super belly to belly and flexes and shit. HOLLAR. Then things go back to the floor. Will someone get a normal steel chair? Not a big padded one or those formed plastic ones. Just a standard steel chair. Finally, Mike finds one. The Cat, my close personal friend, strolls out. The Steiner Recliner is banned. Scott was about to go for it. Cat told him no and got decked. Awesome follows up this opportunity with a low blow. Cat gets in the ring and accidentally hits Awesome. Steiner hits a belly to belly on him. Scott does the Recliner anyway and Cat strips him of the title. So, I guess Awesome wins, but he doesn't win the title. Scott hit a half nelson suplex after the match.
TO THE GRAVEYARD
The Demon vs Vampiro Graveyard Match
Now, Demon comes dressed in his full ring regalia, carrying a torch. Charles Robinson has a flashlight. Aysa, Dale's lady, is with him. They're all looking for Vamp, who is hiding in this dark, impossible to see graveyard. Really great stuff for TV. Vamp apparently jumped out of a tree. I don't know. I couldn't see. It looked like there might have been a Rock Bottom on some leaves. The only lighting is a flashlight. I don't think there is even a light on the camera. Idk. Can't see shit, friends. I literally just can't see any of the action. It appears Demon was put into a grave while Vamp took Asya. Charles Robinson was told to watch her. He just let Vamp take her. The first person to make it back to the arena will win the match. LOL Vamp pops out of the lake like fucking Jason and the announcers sell the bump into the lake or river as this brutal thing. Tony says that being Florida, there may be alligators in there. They could literally die. Asya is rocking back and forth. Apparently, Vamp had time to rape her or something. Robinson has to help Dale out of the water. Last month, I said the human torch match was the worst gimmick match I'd ever seen. I was wrong. This is, without question, the dumbest shit. Made even funnier by Vamp repeatedly calling this dude dressed up as Gene Simmons, "DALE". Vamp busts a tombstone over DALE's head. Then he puts DALE into a casket and shoves it into an open grave, then throws a torch down there. Well. Is the match over?
TO THE MEAN GENE. Shane Douglas is the guest and shits on Buff Bagwell. He guarandamntees that he will put Buff down, because he is just that damn good. Wait. That sounds familiar.
Buff Bagwell vs Shane Douglas
What a surprise, this match immediately goes to the floor. I wonder what that blurred sign says. I've seen a LOT of signs that you'd think would be blurred on the Network (*name* is a pedophile, MANY faggot/fag/queer/gay signs), so that must be very bad. Does Buff show his dick on Gigolos? Is he, indeed, the stuff? I'm curious. His stuff gets rammed into the ring post. Maybe it used to be the stuff, and now it's just not enough. "Angry pretty boy redneck." Actually, that's pretty accurate when describing Buff. Torrie walks down to ringside. She slaps Shane. This got Buff FIRRRRRED UP. She just gets up on the apron. The ref doesn't seem to care. She's just standing there. Dudes in the front row take pictures of her ass. And now she's in the ring. She kisses Buff only to kick him in the stuff! SWERVE! Pittsburg Plunge. Buff kicks out! That's his finish, brother. More testicular trauma to Buff. Shane hits an inverted Stunner for the win. Torrie and Shane celebrate as Mark Madden makes references to Francine.
TO THE MEAN JURASSIC SLAPASS. Double J doesn't give a shit that Hulk is there. Plan A goes into effect. Jeff then asks if Gene has ever seen The Usual Suspects.
TO THE BACK. Hollywood Hogan walks to ringside.
Hollywood Hogan vs Jeff Jarrett WCW Championship
Now, you should think something is up if the title match goes on with an hour left in the show. You also have to think something weird is going on when the champ doesn't come out. Instead, Vince Russo comes out. Then Jeff comes out. Hogan comes out as the announcers talk about the backstage battle between Russo and Hogan. Hogan gets a mic and says ASS a few times. Double J just stands at the top of the ramp. Jeff eventually gets into the ring and immediately lies down. Russo throws the title at Hogan and walks out. Madden says they're deviating from the script. Hulk gets a mic: "Is this your deal, Russo? That's why this company's in the damn shape it's in, because of BULLSHIT like this." Hulk makes the pin. Jeff immediately walks out. "There are swerves and there are SWERVES, and we've all been SWERVED."
TO THE BACK. Vampiro arrives back to the arena, walking right by Hogan.
Vamp comes out with his full entrance, so I guess he won the match. He talks about dark circles and dumb shit. Fuck Vampiro. As he's talking, some druids in Sting masks wheel a coffin out. What appears to be Sting attacks Vamp and throws him into the coffin. I mean...it was a dude in a Sting mask with much longer hair than Sting, so it probably wasn't him. This shit is stupid as fuck. It's dumb as shit when Taker did it. It's even dumber when Sting is doing it since it doesn't even fit his gimmick in any way.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Goldberg is ready to get rid of Scott Hall once and for all.
Vince Russo comes to the ring. He's gotta promo. I think he's about to SHOOT.
WHAT A MOMENT! REAL LIFE! This whole Hogan/Russo thing is probably the most obnoxious and stupid worked shoot in history. First, it came out of nowhere. There was nothing on TV about this. Suddenly, "everybody knows" about the issues with Russo and Hogan. Well, the vast majority had no clue. From the very start of the show, the announcers are basically saying, "Hulk doesn't want to job so he might not show up", but Jarrett and Cat treat it like the normal "Will he make it on time" wrestling angle, even adding comedy bits to it. Then the match happens, everyone gets very serious, Russo and Jarrett do their sad faces, Hulk wins says BULLSHIT. Russo comes back out and SHOOTS on Hogan and WCW in general, eviscerating even the concept of kayfabe in the middle of the show, tries to get babyface heat while doing it, and says none of that shit counted anyway. Imagine if your favorite show had a character stop in the middle of a scene, turn directly to the camera and talk as himself, then fade back into the show like nothing happened. It'd be pretty weird, right? The announcers throwing out every smarky term they could certainly didn't make it more enjoyable. It's just dumb.
Kevin Nash vs Goldberg For Scott Hall's Contract
Nash gets the full from the locker room entrance. Where are his security guards? Now, Goldberg ate Scott Hall's contract before. Does that mean the contract is no longer valid? The contact that Goldberg brought out, did they piece that together from Goldberg's shit? Is that possible? The funny thing about this is that Scott Hall was injured and wouldn't be coming back anyway. They essentially have the same match as all of their matches. Scott Steiner comes out and tries to get Nash pumped up. I like Goldberg as a heel. I think he did it well. He was a real piece of shit, but also still the ultimate bad ass. Kind of like Brock Lesnar in 2014-2015. WTF. Scott Steiner attacks Nash. SWERVE! Spear. Jackhammer! SCOTT HALL IS GONE FOR GOOD! Steiner and Goldberg fist bump in solidarity.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Booker is Gene's guest, talking about the emotions of the night and how opportunity has knocked for Booker.
Booker T vs Jeff Jarrett WCW Championship
Scott Hudson brings up HOLLYWOOD SCUM HOGAN. Lots of SHOOTING tonight. This really isn't much of a match. Madden calls Booker, "Stevie", multiple times. CISM! This goes into the crowd like about half of the matches on this show. Jeff tries a piledriver on the announce table. It didn't break. I AM THE TABLE. The match heads back to the ring and Jeff slows things down with a sleeper. Figure four! OUTTA NOWHERE! Booker reverses it. "What big legs on Booker, though." Lol. Madden, you're fucking weird. Ax kick! Spinarooni! 110th Street slam. Jeff kicks out. Then Book kills his dick with a Harlem sidekick that ends up on the ropes. Why is the heel doing a 10 count punch? Ref bump! Jeff brings the belt into the ring. Booker uses it. 2 count fall! Now Jeff has a chair. He wedges it in the corner. It backfires, just like it did in the Kanyon/Booker match. LOL Stroke to the ref. "That seems somewhat accidental." Jeff comes off the top rope with the guitar. BOOK END! BOOKER T IS THE NEW WCW CHAMPION! MY GOD!
What a mess of a show. The matches were mostly trash, the gimmick matches were absolutely bottom barrel stupid, and then you had all the SHOOTING. The only good things to come from this show was Kanyon getting a win and Booker finally winning the title. It's just a shame that Book's big moment had to come surrounded by all the baggage of Russo/Hogan shit. This is PURE WCW 2000. Straight from the source, friends.