WCW Bash at the Beach 2000

TO THE BACK. SMOOV helps Cat out of his limo. Cat send him on a mission to tell the MIA and Filthy Animals that they are banned from ringside. Just then, Asian sounding music plays and the Jung Dragons arrive to fight. Cat kicks them al in the dick. BUT WHO WAS LIMO!?!?!?!?!?



Juventud Guerrera vs Lt. Loco WCW Cruiserweight Championship

Now, the Animals are banned from ringside, but they came out anyway. The MIA also come out. The Network version of the MIA's music is so far off from the original. It wasn't even an attempt to make it kind of similar. Like, MOST of the dubbed music at least sounds like a knock off. The MIA's song is completely different and goofy. Charles Robinson lets the MIA and Filthy Animals know they aren't allowed to be at ringside. Chavo dominates the opening moments, even as Madden says no one will dominate this match. Juvi's balls are really giving him a fit after an atomic drop. Juvi is being a real sack of shit in this. It's nice. Just a straight up pussy heel. Selling chops by trying to climb over the ropes. Selling his balls constantly. That kind of stuff. The Filthy Animals come out in masks. You can't tell who it is. Masters of disguise. They calmly walk back. Lol. So pointless. They didn't even interfere. This match is odd. Is Juvi stoned? He's moving like it and appearing to forget spots. Ugly as shit dominator. BILL CLINTON HAS ARRIVED! WCW already did a wrestler in a Clinton mask spot in 1998. So the MIA does the same thing as the Animals, but the refs miss Major Gunns. You see, that's her name due to her large breasts. And then Chavo wins with the tornado DDT OUTTA NOWHERE. Title retained.

 
 

TO THE OFFICE. Cat praises the Jung Dragons for their good job of keeping Cat on his toes. Then Jeff Jarrett and a large woman singing barge into the office, looking for Hogan. You see, the fat lady is singing.


Big Vito vs Norman Smiley/Ralphus WCW Hardcore Championship

Vito attacked Terry Funk on Thunder and couldn't compete. JTB was also injured, so Norman and Ralphus were mystery opponents. Unlike most WCW hardcore matches, this actually starts out in the arena and then heads to the back. Ralphus has worked on his trash can shots. Not so good at lid shots, though. Norman gets shoved into an elevator and sent away. This leaves Vito to beat the shit out of Ralphus at ringside. So rude. That chubby man didn't do shit. No need to beat his ass. Lol, Vito a gets a table out and its leg immediately breaks. He splashes Ralphus through the propped table anyway. Title retained. Kind of a waste of...well, I don't know.


TO THE MEAN GENE. Kevin Nash is the guest and talks about Scott Hall's contract. He hasn't been himself lately because of Goldberg's bitch ass. He says he's going to "jackhammer" Goldberg. 


Daffney vs Miss Hancock Wedding Gown Match

There is a giant cake at ringside, so expect that to be used. Scott Hudson lampshades the cakes in wrestling trope. David and Stacy make out before the match. Daffney hits David in the taint for it. The women cat fight so intensely that David and Slick try to pull them apart. Then they both get hit in the balls and get their pants ripped off. Slick has his shirt tucked into his tighty whities. David just stands around in his underwear waiting for spots. They try to shave Daffney's head. Crowbar saves her and takes his pants off, too. This might be the dumbest shit I've ever seen. Stacy decides to strip herself and dance to her music. Crowbar and Slick sit cross legged and bounce to the music. The wedding cake gets used all over the place. Daffney wins. This was the dumbest shit.


TO THE BACK. Cat is thinking of who can replace Hogan tonight. Is Ox Baker still under contract? Lol. The Jung Dragons pop out of hiding, but don't attack.

A lot of rumors about if Hulk Hogan is going to show up. No one has seen or heard from him in a week. The announce team talks about all of it while the ring crew cleans up all that cake. Probably would have been easier to just have a second set of outside mats instead of trying to clean icing off of plastic with rags.


The Perfect Event vs Kronik WCW Tag Team Championships

Fake Mr. Perfect and fake Lex Luger against Crush and Adam Bomb. Chuck and Crush begin. Crush quickly eliminates the champs from the ring. Kronik just dominates the opening minutes. Power moves everywhere. And then Crush has so much trouble going over the top rope. He just kind of got stuck there. From that point, Perfect Event control the pace, with Crush as the FIP. Hot tag to Wrath who...immediately slips doing a corner clothesline.  The champs seem to have Kronik's number. A smartly wrestled match from them. F5 OUTTA NOWHERE. Kronik win with a powerbomb/flying lariat combo. Titles retained. This was a well laid out match. It's just a shame there was only one decent guy in the match. With 3 other decent guys, this could have been really pretty good.  This HAD to be a Fit Finlay joint. Actually, whoever put this together likely put the Meat/Booker match from GAB together. They had the same kind of style. WHAT IF: Shawn Stasiak was actually really good at putting matches together?

 
 

TO THE BACK. Cat is trying to get a hold of James Brown when the music starts up again. Double J shows up and hands up on James Brown. Cat was not pleased. The music starts up again. This time, the Dragons attack. 


Positively Kanyon vs Booker T

I still can't understand why DDP's music is dubbed in every instance on the Network, but somehow it has slipped through on this show for Kanyon for over a year. But it's great, because POSITIVELY KANYON. The wig doesn't last past the first spot. Crowd is super hot for Book. Lariatoooo. Book is MOLLYWHOPPING THAT BOY. Kanyon Pillmanizes Booker's arm with the ring steps. INNOVATION. Kanyon pulls out his cool movez. Like, all of them. Apron suplex, Alabama slam, fameasser thing, inverted Boston crab. Remember that time Book hit an avalanche ganso bomb on Mortis? It was brutal. I have no idea how Kanyon didn't break his neck on that. Ax kick. Book End. KANYON KICKS OUT! Double J runs out and hits Book with a guitar. Avalanche Kanyon Cutter. BANG! Kanyon wins! 

 
 


TO THE BACK. Mike Awesome is hitting on the Fat Lady. Pam cockblocks him, which gets him FIIIIIIRED UP to beat the shit out of Scott Steiner.


Scott Steiner vs Mike Awesome WCW US Championship

This match immediately starts on the floor. Steiner got back dropped into that dancing fan from earlier. ECW ECW ECW. You know. That shit. The last match went into the crowd as well. Big padded chair to the head! 2xtreme4me. Once things head into the ring, Scott hits a super belly to belly and flexes and shit. HOLLAR. Then things go back to the floor. Will someone get a normal steel chair? Not a big padded one or those formed plastic ones. Just a standard steel chair. Finally, Mike finds one. The Cat, my close personal friend, strolls out. The Steiner Recliner is banned. Scott was about to go for it. Cat told him no and got decked. Awesome follows up this opportunity with a low blow. Cat gets in the ring and accidentally hits Awesome. Steiner hits a belly to belly on him. Scott does the Recliner anyway and Cat strips him of the title. So, I guess Awesome wins, but he doesn't win the title. Scott hit a half nelson suplex after the match.

 
 

TO THE GRAVEYARD

The Demon vs Vampiro Graveyard Match

Now, Demon comes dressed in his full ring regalia, carrying a torch. Charles Robinson has a flashlight. Aysa, Dale's lady, is with him. They're all looking for Vamp, who is hiding in this dark, impossible to see graveyard. Really great stuff for TV. Vamp apparently jumped out of a tree. I don't know. I couldn't see. It looked like there might have been a Rock Bottom on some leaves. The only lighting is a flashlight. I don't think there is even a light on the camera. Idk. Can't see shit, friends. I literally just can't see any of the action. It appears Demon was put into a grave while Vamp took Asya. Charles Robinson was told to watch her. He just let Vamp take her. The first person to make it back to the arena will win the match. LOL Vamp pops out of the lake like fucking Jason and the announcers sell the bump into the lake or river as this brutal thing. Tony says that being Florida, there may be alligators in there. They could literally die. Asya is rocking back and forth. Apparently, Vamp had time to rape her or something. Robinson has to help Dale out of the water. Last month, I said the human torch match was the worst gimmick match I'd ever seen. I was wrong. This is, without question, the dumbest shit. Made even funnier by Vamp repeatedly calling this dude dressed up as Gene Simmons, "DALE". Vamp busts a tombstone over DALE's head. Then he puts DALE into a casket and shoves it into an open grave, then throws a torch down there. Well. Is the match over?

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Shane Douglas is the guest and shits on Buff Bagwell. He guarandamntees that he will put Buff down, because he is just that damn good. Wait. That sounds familiar.


Buff Bagwell vs Shane Douglas

What a surprise, this match immediately goes to the floor. I wonder what that blurred sign says. I've seen a LOT of signs that you'd think would be blurred on the Network (*name* is a pedophile, MANY faggot/fag/queer/gay signs), so that must be very bad. Does Buff show his dick on Gigolos? Is he, indeed, the stuff? I'm curious. His stuff gets rammed into the ring post. Maybe it used to be the stuff, and now it's just not enough. "Angry pretty boy redneck." Actually, that's pretty accurate when describing Buff. Torrie walks down to ringside. She slaps Shane. This got Buff FIRRRRRED UP. She just gets up on the apron. The ref doesn't seem to care. She's just standing there. Dudes in the front row take pictures of her ass. And now she's in the ring. She kisses Buff only to kick him in the stuff! SWERVE! Pittsburg Plunge. Buff kicks out! That's his finish, brother. More testicular trauma to Buff. Shane hits an inverted Stunner for the win. Torrie and Shane celebrate as Mark Madden makes references to Francine. 

 
 

TO THE MEAN JURASSIC SLAPASS. Double J doesn't give a shit that Hulk is there. Plan A goes into effect. Jeff then asks if Gene has ever seen The Usual Suspects.

TO THE BACK. Hollywood Hogan walks to ringside.


Hollywood Hogan vs Jeff Jarrett WCW Championship

Now, you should think something is up if the title match goes on with an hour left in the show. You also have to think something weird is going on when the champ doesn't come out. Instead, Vince Russo comes out. Then Jeff comes out. Hogan comes out as the announcers talk about the backstage battle between Russo and Hogan. Hogan gets a mic and says ASS a few times. Double J just stands at the top of the ramp. Jeff eventually gets into the ring and immediately lies down. Russo throws the title at Hogan and walks out. Madden says they're deviating from the script. Hulk gets a mic: "Is this your deal, Russo? That's why this company's in the damn shape it's in, because of BULLSHIT like this." Hulk makes the pin. Jeff immediately walks out. "There are swerves and there are SWERVES, and we've all been SWERVED." 


TO THE BACK. Vampiro arrives back to the arena, walking right by Hogan. 

Vamp comes out with his full entrance, so I guess he won the match. He talks about dark circles and dumb shit. Fuck Vampiro. As he's talking, some druids in Sting masks wheel a coffin out. What appears to be Sting attacks Vamp and throws him into the coffin. I mean...it was a dude in a Sting mask with much longer hair than Sting, so it probably wasn't him. This shit is stupid as fuck. It's dumb as shit when Taker did it. It's even dumber when Sting is doing it since it doesn't even fit his gimmick in any way. 


TO THE MEAN GENE. Goldberg is ready to get rid of Scott Hall once and for all. 


Vince Russo comes to the ring. He's gotta promo. I think he's about to SHOOT.

WHAT A MOMENT! REAL LIFE! This whole Hogan/Russo thing is probably the most obnoxious and stupid worked shoot in history. First, it came out of nowhere. There was nothing on TV about this. Suddenly, "everybody knows" about the issues with Russo and Hogan. Well,  the vast majority had no clue. From the very start of the show, the announcers are basically saying, "Hulk doesn't want to job so he might not show up", but Jarrett and Cat treat it like the normal "Will he make it on time" wrestling angle, even adding comedy bits to it. Then the match happens, everyone gets very serious, Russo and Jarrett do their sad faces, Hulk wins says BULLSHIT. Russo comes back out and SHOOTS on Hogan and WCW in general, eviscerating even the concept of kayfabe in the middle of the show, tries to get babyface heat while doing it, and says none of that shit counted anyway. Imagine if your favorite show had a character stop in the middle of a scene, turn directly to the camera and talk as himself, then fade back into the show like nothing happened. It'd be pretty weird, right? The announcers throwing out every smarky term they could certainly didn't make it more enjoyable. It's just dumb.


Kevin Nash vs Goldberg For Scott Hall's Contract

Nash gets the full from the locker room entrance. Where are his security guards? Now, Goldberg ate Scott Hall's contract before. Does that mean the contract is no longer valid? The contact that Goldberg brought out, did they piece that together from Goldberg's shit? Is that possible? The funny thing about this is that Scott Hall was injured and wouldn't be coming back anyway. They essentially have the same match as all of their matches. Scott Steiner comes out and tries to get Nash pumped up. I like Goldberg as a heel. I think he did it well. He was a real piece of shit, but also still the ultimate bad ass. Kind of like Brock Lesnar in 2014-2015. WTF. Scott Steiner attacks Nash. SWERVE! Spear. Jackhammer! SCOTT HALL IS GONE FOR GOOD! Steiner and Goldberg fist bump in solidarity.

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Booker is Gene's guest, talking about the emotions of the night and how opportunity has knocked for Booker.


Booker T vs Jeff Jarrett WCW Championship

Scott Hudson brings up HOLLYWOOD SCUM HOGAN. Lots of SHOOTING tonight. This really isn't much of a match. Madden calls Booker, "Stevie", multiple times. CISM! This goes into the crowd like about half of the matches on this show. Jeff tries a piledriver on the announce table. It didn't break. I AM THE TABLE. The match heads back to the ring and Jeff slows things down with a sleeper. Figure four! OUTTA NOWHERE! Booker reverses it. "What big legs on Booker, though." Lol. Madden, you're fucking weird. Ax kick! Spinarooni! 110th Street slam. Jeff kicks out. Then Book kills his dick with a Harlem sidekick that ends up on the ropes. Why is the heel doing a 10 count punch? Ref bump! Jeff brings the belt into the ring. Booker uses it. 2 count fall! Now Jeff has a chair. He wedges it in the corner. It backfires, just like it did in the Kanyon/Booker match. LOL Stroke to the ref. "That seems somewhat accidental." Jeff comes off the top rope with the guitar. BOOK END! BOOKER T IS THE NEW WCW CHAMPION!  MY GOD!  


What a mess of a show. The matches were mostly trash, the gimmick matches were absolutely bottom barrel stupid, and then you had all the SHOOTING. The only good things to come from this show was Kanyon getting a win and Booker finally winning the title. It's just a shame that Book's big moment had to come surrounded by all the baggage of Russo/Hogan shit. This is PURE WCW 2000. Straight from the source, friends. 

WCW Bash at the Beach 7/11/99

I haven't done a drunk PPV for a while, and if there was ever one to do it for, it has to be this one.  You want to know how they opened this show?  By throwing to DJ Ran playing Limp Bizkit.  They might have just started out with Konnan taking a shit in the ring.  I get really annoyed that they always spend so much time running down the PPV card at the start of all of them.  People ordered the show, you don't need to remind them what they're paying for.  In fact, it is probably best if you don't.


The Cat vs Disco Inferno

Transient

You guys know I love Disco, but this isn't a PPV match at all.  Cat decides to have a dance off rematch before the match.  It goes the same way as the last one, except Disco attacked and Cat stalled on the floor.   Disco straight up tackles Cat and goes to work with some taint based offense.  It goes to the floor.  Sonny laid in some kicks and Cat got thrown into the rail.  I'm pretty sure Disco is a full face now.  I like that.  I wish he could get a real push.  I think he could have been a US Championship level guy for a few months at least.  Disco hit Cat with the ruby slipper.  Cat kicked out anyway.  The best thing about Cat is that when he kicks out, he makes sure to have the 3 fingers up.  He did a lot of small things right, but wasn't interesting enough in the ring to match them.  He won with a Wizard of Oz kick. 


Fat fuck Mark Madden was talking to Mills Lane on WCW.com.


Rick Steiner vs Van Hammer WCW TV Championship

The pre-match package shows Van Hammer getting bullshit wins against Hugh and Disco instead of any of the dominate victories he's had to get a title shot.  Rick mentions that he and his brother do whatever they want around here.  You mean like not show up for a month?  You know what is great for PPVs?  Shitty heel vs heel matches that no one cares about at all.  Rick Steiner has a regular spot of piledriving or DDTing people on the concrete.  He did a DDT this time and tried to make a pin on the floor.  And then hit the ref for not counting it.  It wasn't a DQ.  Rick Steiner is an asshole.  I can't believe no one ever knocked him on his ass for taking liberties in the ring. Maybe they couldn't, I don't know.  Hammer hit him with a chair.  Also not a DQ.  I think Rick bit Hammer in the dick.  Then hit two blatant low blows in front of the ref.  None of this was a DQ.  Top rope bulldog for the win.


We see a shot of the Junkyard.  Tenay is outside of it with Scott Dickinson, who is holding a trophy made of what looks to be an old power saw and a microphone.


David Flair vs Dean Malenko WCW US Championship

Transient

Dean immediately takes David to wrasslin school.  Dean locked on the Cloverleaf.  Arn wouldn't let the ref ring the fucking bell and gave him a spinebuster that the cameras missed since they were focused on Ric on the floor.  Charles Robinson came in the ring and put a ref shirt on.  Why wasn't he the ref to begin with?  Asya got in the ring and Dean had no problem kicking that big bitch in the gut and slamming her before putting her in the Cloverleaf.  Ric hit Dean with the US Championship and David pinned him.  David retains in a 3 minute match that basically was just a finishing sequence.  God damn, this show is off to a terrible start. 


No Limit Soldiers vs West Texas Rednecks

Every match so far has had a 2-3 minute video package.  You know how WWE have always done these great video packages that tell the story of the match and get you pumped to see it?  All WCW does is just air big chunks of promo segments straight.  No drama or talent in putting them together.  The most basic, generic, easy, and time filling way they possibly could do it.  This is an elimination match.  Brad Armstrong and SWOLL are the other two NLS.  SWOLL made $400,000 for about 3 months of work.  Barry and Rey start out.  I'd rather them just have a singles match.  Brad Armstrong trying to act like a thug is awful.  He isn't Road Dogg.  The only move SWOLL can do is a weird kung fu clothesline.  Kendall tried to kick Rey's head off.  I hate NLS and Filthy Animal Rey as much as Konnan and Triad DDP.  SWOLL eliminates Bobby Duncum.  BA is out to the Perfect Plex.  Konnan eliminates Kendall.  Konnan and Barry are both counted out when some asshole picks Barry up and carries him to the back.  Nick Patrick didn't give a shit about this guy blatantly interfering.  We're doing to Perfect vs Rey and SWOLL.  Barry came back in the ring, as did the dude who carried him to the back.  Perfect tried to leave, but ran into 2x4.  Rey pinned him after the old Snuka/Andre splash spot.


Junkyard Invitational

I can't do a play by play of this.  Wrestlers in the match: Brian Knobs, Hak, Public Enemy, Horace, Fit Finlay,Steve Regal, Silver King, La Parka, Dave Taylor, Ciclope, Hugh Morrus, Mikey Whipwreck.  This is terrible.  You can't see shit, it's dark, half the shots are via helicopter.  In the shots that aren't via helicopter, you can hear dudes calling spots and telling each other to get in place.  Someone tried to commit homicide by putting someone in a trunk, and then putting the car in a crusher.  Finlay is the first to escape, so he wins.  This is one of the dumbest things ever on a wrestling show.  It cost $1 MILLION, everyone was injured, and about half the guys involved were injured enough that they had to go to the hospital and miss ring time.  I would say just about all of the injuries weren't even seen since there were so many guys over such a wide area that there wasn't enough time to concentrate on anything for more than a few seconds at a time.  Remember that 10 minute Flair beat down from earlier in the year?  Imagine that, but as a match.



Jersey Triad vs Chris Benoit/Saturn WCW Tag Team Championships

Triad is the worst.  Their catchphrases are awful, but even worse, they aren't even worked into a promo.  It's something like "Isn't that right, Kanyon?"  and then right into BADA BING BADA BOOM BADA BANG.  So far, there hasn't been a single good thing on this show.  Nothing at all.  I don't think Kanyon can save this show for me.  I've seen this match about 4 times in the last month and a half.  This shit is really testing me.  If I wasn't drinking and been on a 20 mile bike ride today, I don't think I could watch this show.  But since I'm buzzed and so drained from the ride, I can put up with it at 1.30x speed.  This is the same god damn match they've been having for weeks. No one has ever given an explanation as to why the Triad gets to switch out guys during matches.  I get the Freebird rule, but not every match gets to be a handicap match.  DDP hit a pretty good Batista Bomb.  I guess that was okay.  Of course there was a ref bump and Kanyon threw a bag of coke.  However, it hit DDP more than Saturn and DDP ended up accidentally giving Kanyon a Kanyon Cutter.  BANG!  They don't even pretend to give a shit about who was the legal man.  DDP slid a metal bathroom trash can in the ring.  The ref just stood around and looked at it until we got a 2nd ref bump.  3D on Saturn for the win.  They probably should have just stolen the 3D from the start.  It looks better than the Greetings/Cutter combo. 


Buff Bagwell vs Roddy Piper Boxing Match Special Guest Referee: Mills Lane

Mills Lane comes to the ring in his judge robe.  What kind of dude gets his law degree and then decides to be a boxing ref for 30 years instead of being a lawyer?  Flair was Piper's corner man.  Buff's mom was his corner man.  Was a fucking loser.  Can't he do anything without his mom?   "Obviously she's been to a garage sale today.  Not because of her shirt, but her hairdo."  She tripped at ringside.  There has NEVER been a good boxing match in pro wrestling.  Piper is an old man, looks like an old man, and moves like an old man.  He still knocks Buff down and makes him look like a dipshit.  Buff is throwing his wrestling punches, including stomping on the mat.  Piper gave a headbutt at the end of the round.  Flair sprays something on Piper's gloves.  Buff is again knocked down.  Even though Piper is cheating, this whole thing has made Buff look like a fucking loser.  From getting his ass kicked by an old hobbling man to having his mom be his corner man.  And expecting the fans to pop for her.  We got to hear a random "so does your mother", from Flair.  Piper attacked Buff before the 3rd round, causing Judy to bite his ear and put a bucket on his head.  Buff then hit the Blockbuster and pinned Piper.  Mill Lane made the count.  Buff wins via pinfall in a boxing match.  After the match, Judy chased Ric all around the ring and threw a bucket of water in the ring, which I'm sure the ring crew loved.  No one even thought it was weird that this boxing match ended in a pin fall.


Kevin Nash/Sting vs Sid/Randy Savage WCW Championship

Transient

Whoever pins Nash will be champion.  That includes his own tag team partner.  Not only that, but Nash added that stipulation on his own.  George has a big black eye, which was clearly supposed to be a plot point as Savage made her take her glasses off and pointed it out, but Tony and Brain didn't mention it at all.  George then decides to go stand in Nash's corner.  This match has been going on for 3 minutes and already sucks.  This is fucking garbage.  This whole show has been garbage.  It's a shitty Nitro main event, but done in the main event on PPV.  The most Tony could say about this match was that Sid has some of the best forearms in the sport.  Sting has no problem hitting women, even as a born again Christian.  George comes in and somehow misses a low blow on Nash.  She had to do it a second time.  SWERVE.  Savage drops the elbow.  New champion!  Finally it's fucking over.


DQ  Count: Go fuck yourself.

This is as bad as Spring Stampede 2000, which I thought was definitely the worst PPV I've seen.  There was not a single thing that was interesting or redeeming.  The whole show was fucking garbage.  The only good thing I can say is that this is about as bad as it gets, and the Savage/Nash angle is over.  It's THE WORST top angle WCW ever did.  Worse than Hogan vs DoD.  Worse than Jarrett vs anyone.  Worse than Russo vs Flair.  The absolute worst main event feud WCW ever did.  But it's over.  So there's that.  But that also means the return of some hulking guy.  After what happens on Nitro the next night, Savage basically just doesn't show up for anything for a few weeks because he's pissed Hogan and WCW in general.  The NLS/Rednecks angle also pretty much ended with this show since the Rednecks were over as faces and Master P refused to have anything to do with it any more.

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WCW Bash At The Beach 7/12/98

Raven vs Saturn

Saturn is back to wearing his Eliminators trunks. I expect this will probably be the match of the night, depending on how bullshit Booker vs Hart ends up. Saturn beats the shit out of Raven right away. Really nifty drop toe hold into an ankle lock. Saturn misses a guillotine leg drop. Raven does a butterfly suplex. A table comes out. Raven attempts to superplex him on it, but Saturn throws Raven DICK FIRST into the ropes. He goes for a dive, but Raven moved, so Saturn crashes and burns. Russian leg sweep into the railing. It goes back in the ring. Raven locks on a sleeper. Saturn gets out with a jawbreaker. Kick combo in the corner. T-bone suplay. Saturn brings a chair in. Springboard leg drop with the chair on Raven’s face. Riggs and Lodi get involved and both get suplexed. Saturn does a flying drop kick into the corner, but hits Nick Patrick, who takes the most amazing bump. Bulldog on the steps. Saturn gets another table out. He puts Raven on one, then puts the second table on top of him. He goes up top, but Kanyon pulls Raven out of the way. Saturn jumped anyway and barely touched the top table on the way down. Looked terrible for everyone. Kanyon brings Raven in the ring and hits a Flatliner on an open chair. SWERVE! BANG! The Flock roll Saturn in the ring and he kicks out. Drop toe hold on the chair. Saturn kicks out again. Really shitty looking superkick into the chair. Riggs gets hit with the DVD. Raven hits the Evenflow for the win. This was really disappointing. Botches everywhere.


TO THE MEAN GENE. Eddie Guerrero is the guest. Chavo will face Stevie Ray tonight. What? Chavo challenged Stevie I guess. He’s going to shave Chavo’s head bald tonight.


Kidman vs Juventud Guerrera

Again. Of course. Kidman has his shirt tucked in, which seems weird for a heroin addict. He looks a bit cleaner recently. This is like the Kofi vs Ziggler match of WCW 1998. I’ll just do the gifs. Juvi wins with the 450.


Stevie Ray vs Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Chavo taps out to a handshake. 


Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs Eddie Guerrero Hair Contra Hair

Crazy Chavo is best Chavo for sure. Chavo starts by biting Eddie’s ass. Bushwhacker styled offense. Eddie hurts his foot kicking the ropes and Chavo then dances. Chavo takes a seat on a chair in the ring. It’s mostly a straight comedy match for the first few minutes. Eddie hits a DISGUSTING dropkick to the back with Chavo in the corner. Looked like it broke his torso. It was really gross. I’ll grab a still of it, too. Eddie then goes on to work over the back. Eddie takes his patented monkey flip bump, then Chavo does a weird dive from the top that basically was a giant missed flip, but he no sold it and hit a tiltawhirl back breaker. Eddie throws him to the floor and attempts a brainbuster, but Chavo reverses and hits a suplex on the exposed carpet. Rug burn for sure. Eddie hits a big superplex back in the ring. Chavo goes for the frog splash. Eddie gets his knees up and hits a tornado DDT. Eddie then goes for the frog splash, but Chavo moves and hits his own tornado DDT. He goes to cut Eddie’s hair, but the ref stops him. In the middle of this, he gets caught in a small package. Eddie wins! Chavo shaves his own head. I bet he misses having hair to shave.


Disco Inferno vs Konnan

Lol, what? This shit came out of nowhere. Zero build or any kind of angle. Nash is out there, but this is the 3rd PPV in a row he hasn’t wrestled on. Was he hurt during this period or doing a movie? He’s only had 2 or 3 matches even on TV in the past 3 months. Lots of talking, but not many matches. Lex puts Alex in the torture rack. For some reason, the ref cares more about that then the match in the ring, which allows Nash to powerbomb Disco. This was about 3 minutes long and a total waste. 


The Giant vs Kevin Greene

I’m sure this is going to be top level stuff. This and the main event. Fans are chanting Goldberg. This will probably be better than the main event. This is actually pretty passable. Giant won with the chokeslam. 


Chris Jericho vs Rey Mysterio Jr. WCW Cruiserweight Championship No Disqualification

Jericho comes out with a top hat and cane for some reason. Maybe he’s a droog. Or maybe he’s a magician. Oh, he’s doing a soft shoe routine. JoJo comes out and says he’s got a guy Jericho can face. Jericho runs his mouth and agrees to make it a title match and no DQ. And that opponent is REY MYSTERIO JR.!!! Rey is back, tanner and bulkier than ever. Springboard fameasser. Rey tries a 619 around the ring post into head scissors, but they botched it. Jericho goes after the bad leg, but then runs away to the beach. Rey hits a diving rana off the life guard chair. Back in the ring, Jericho hits a top rope powerslam. He brings a chair in the ring and waffles Rey’s leg. He tries to Pillmanize Rey, but misses. Rey then uses the chair. X-Factor. Diving rana is countered into the Liontamer, but Rey gets to the ropes before it can get locked on. Dean Malenko comes out. Rey rolls Jericho up. New champion!!! Dean didn’t even do anything. I’m not even sure that Jericho saw him. But he did after the match and ran to the back. Dean chased him. Arn held Jericho up until Dean could get to him. 


Bret Hart vs Booker T WCW TV Championship

Okay, so Bret comes into (the) WCW straight from the Screwjob as possibly the hottest guy in the business. He’s been in (the) WCW since December. It’s July and he’s having his first title shot of any kind and it is for the lowest tiered title (the) WCW has. Granted, the TV Championship had some prestige at that time, but Bret was WAY above it and it devalues him more than elevates the belt or Booker. Imagine if Sting got screwed at Starrcade and came into the WWF as the undefeated (the) WCW Champion and he got his first title match at Summerslam for the European Championship. Book actually out wrestles Bret in the opening minutes, because Bret wasn’t taking this seriously. He gets hip tossed to the floor. Bret hits a stun gun on the railing. Book hits a spinewalkslambuster, but it seemed to piss Bret off more than anything. 5MOD start. Book comes back with some kicks. Axe (me a question) kick! Missile dropkick! Bret gets to the ropes and bails to the floor. Book tries some kind of dive over the top and gets caught with a chair on the way down. Match is thrown out and Bret tries to destroy Book’s leg with a chair after the match. Ring post figure four. I don’t even think this went 10 minutes. And ended in a DQ. Stevie comes out and Bret leaves. 


Goldberg vs Curt Hennig WCW Championship

Hennig comes out alone. I’m not sure what it says about the championship when Goldberg beating Hogan is sold as the biggest event in WCW history, yet Hogan still main events the PPV. Even crazier to think about: The show before Goldberg beat Hogan for the belt, he main evented with Glacier. From Glacier to Hogan. Hennig takes his best bump in years off a shoulder block. Bill went for the rolling knee bar, but Perfect just kept rolling out of the ring. Press slam to powerslam. Perfect goes after Goldberg’s knee. Perfect plex! Didn’t matter. Spear. Jackhammer. Title retained. 


Hollywood Hogan/Dennis Rodman vs DDP/Karl Malone

Oh my god, there are 40 minutes left for this. Pretty sure Joss Whedon is in the front row. This match is so thrown together. I would have to guess that the NBA did a better job building this since Rodman made ONE appearance and one of Malone’s was 2 hours of a helicopter shot of him in a semi. Goldberg winning the title kind of fucked DDP over, too. He started this angle of going after Hogan for the belt, but now there is no belt and DDP/Rodman really had no reason to have an issue before it was decided to have this match. Nothing feels organic about it at all. What if the Bulls and Jazz didn’t face each other in the finals? Would David Robinson be in this match instead? The real athletes start out. Rodman is pretty good as an 80s chickenshit heel. Hogan comes in for a pose off. Malone slams Hogan. DDP wants Rodman. Rodman bumps for DDP and insists that DDP pulled the hair. Lol, Rodman is blown up after two bumps and some stalling. He has a solid arm drag, though. DDP and Rodzilla had a few really awkward bumps into each other. Rodman is dead. Lol. Elite level NBA player and he’s blown to shit in 4 minutes of actual in ring work. This isn’t good. Rodman dropping elbows on Malone might be good for ESPN, but not good for someone who wanted to watch a good wrestling show. DDP hits the Kanyon Cutter on Hogan, Malone hits the Kanyon Cutter on Rodman, then Beefcake hits a Stunner on DDP. Hogan makes the pin. Malone then hits a Kanyon Cutter on Beefcake. BANG BANG BANG BANG! And one on the ref. BANG! A god damn 20 minute PPV main event with two non wrestlers and the other two were in their mid 40s.



Undercard's bigger matches were disappointing, main event was awful but kind of fun from a spectacle standpoint, the new champion isn't in the main event. Sounds like WCW.

Stro1998Comment
WCW Bash At The Beach 1997

It was a year ago, at this very event, in this very building, that Hulk Hogan revealed himself to be the 3rd man and ushered in the nWo. This year, Dennis Rodman will join him in the main event.


Mortis/Wrath vs Glacier/Ernest Miller

God damn did Mortis' music go hard. Just wonderful. Isn't it amazing that Cat only got into wrestling because he was the karate teacher for Garrett Bischoff? He looks embarrassed of all this shit, too. Glacier is very aggressive, betraying his karate training, no doubt. Cat is very bad at anything that isn't throwing kicks. Oh wow, Wrath puts Glacier's head against the post, then holds a chair for Mortis to superkick. God damn did it connect. This is pretty decent when Glacier is in the ring. Some nifty double team moves. Cat gets the hot tag and unleashes all kinds of kicks. Wait. It wasn't a tag? Oh well. Glacier superkicks James Mitchell, but then turns around into a superkick from Mortis. Glacier suffers his first defeat in WCW. Pretty enjoyable. 



DDP is doing is doing an internet interview.



Ultimo Dragon vs Chris Jericho WCW Cruiserweight Championship

Jericho's tights are disgusting. They look like an oily puddle in the parking lot of a 24 hour grocery store. Seems to be a story of how evenly matched and similar in thinking the two are. Dragon's kicks are loud as fuck. And what the fuck, a nerve hold? Come on. Both stand on the top rope. Jericho drop kicks Ultimo to the floor, but completely missed and Ultimo just fell. It was terrible, but seems pretty standard for Ultimo. He takes another fall from the top to the floor getting shoved off trying a super rana. Then they do the crossbody caught with a dropkick spot...from the top to the floor. Jericho takes a few top rope to floor bumps a swell. Every major spot is fucked up, and Jericho eventually wins by rolling through a rana. Bowling shoe ugly, as they say. Title retained. I don't know why both guys took so many top rope to floor bumps in this. 


Mean Gene plugs the hotline, then walks to ringside to get some words with Raven and Stevie Richards. Well, Raven. He ignored Stevie. "Don't Mike Tenay me, pal." Raven actual speaks in some weird poem. Then he is asked if he'll be DDP's partner, which is a question he's been asked since his childhood. The real question is: "Are there any dreams I'd like to sell?" Gene wants nothing to do with Stevie, lol. Stevie says something about a big announcement on Nitro, which causes Raven to slap the shit out of him again.


Great Muta/Masahiro Chono vs Steiner Brothers

I'm not sure if this is actually a number one contenders match or not. Do the Steiners have to beat Muta/Chono to get a title match? Do Muta/Chono get a title shot if they win? Or do the Steiners just have to face them first? It's weird seeing Scott try to do his super athletic stuff, but unable to do it because of all the added muscle. Leads to some awkward exchanges with Muta. This is a pretty slow match. Highlight is probably Muta hitting a super Frankensteiner on Scott. Steiner DDT gets the win. What a world where I enjoyed Glacier/Cat vs Mortis/Wrath more than a Steiners vs Chono/Muta match.


Hector Garza/Lizmark Jr./Juventud Guerrera vs La Parka/Psychosis/Villano IV

Lucha fuckery. Villano V ran in to replace IV and lost anyway.  Hector managed to not eat shit on the corkscrew plancha, only because there were so many guys to catch him.



Kevin Sullivan vs Chris Benoit Career Match

Finally this will end. This, of course, immediately has fists being thrown and things go to the floor. Jackie keeps getting involved. Benoit throws her vag first at Sullivan. And the weirdest thing about this whole thing is that she's constantly pulling away from Sullivan every time they've been on screen the past 2-3 months. Yet she's here fighting Benoit for him. And now Sullivan is shoving her around. Things head to the beach, because nothing says blood feud like hitting someone with prop surfboards and folding beach chairs. HE THREW HIM INTO A BEACH BALL. Lots of ball work. And Sullivan trying to bite a hole in Benoit's gut. And Benoit trying to bite Sullivan's ear off. Jackie decides to blast Sullivan with a chair. Benoit follows it with a diving headbutt for the win. Kevin Sullivan must retire. Well..that was weird. The end to an 18 month angle that started with Sullivan getting pissed at Arn, then Pillman, then Benoit, then Benoit stealing Woman from him ends at a beach themed show where they threw each other into giant beach balls, and Sullivan's career was ended because his new woman turned on him. And Woman herself straight up disappeared from TV one week and was never mentioned again. It seems very odd to me that such a prolonged blood feud would end without a "he's the better man" type of moment, and the actual thing the feud was centered around (Woman) was quietly removed from TV months ago. And to top it off, it wasn't nearly their best or most violent match. Ended with a dud and weirdness.



Steve McMichael vs Jeff Jarrett WCW US Championship

I hope this is the end of this angle, too. This has only been brewing for about 9 months, with all the development done within the first 3. And here's the thing: Horsemen are faces, except they all turned on Piper. Jarrett is a heel, but he ran in and saved face Piper. Flair is a heel tonight, but Mongo and Benoit are faces. Even Russo didn't make shit so complicated. Mongo out wrestles and out fights Jeff. Just...end this. Everything. End the match. End the feud. End it all. Debra gives Jeff the briefcase. Jeff blasts Mongo in the elbow, then head to win. Title retained. Debra leaves with Jeff. "HUSH MY MOUTH!" 


Mean Gene hypes the hotline, then a Rodman/Hogan promo airs. 


Scott Hall/Randy Savage vs DDP/Curt Hennig

The perfect partner! Hennig hasn't had a match since the Fall of 1993. Brain says he's in the best shape of his life, which is ridiculous. Better off to just not mention it at all when he's clearly 20 pounds of blubber bigger, with next to no definition compared to even the end of his WWF career.  Kind of interesting that Perfect has a history with all 3 other men in the match. DDP and Macho start the match. Macho throws shit and spits and tags are made. Lol, Hall makes fun of Perfect's new gut. Perfect didn't like it. Also lol at Perfect about to say "and that's perfect" after a move, then realizing he can't anymore. DDP ends up as FIP. Then yhey fuck up a spot where DDP was supposed to accidentally low bridge Perfect. Hennig turns on DDP and walks out of the match. Outsider's Edge is followed by an elbow drop. nWo wins again.



Roddy Piper vs Ric Flair

Fuck. Flabby middle aged men jiggling around. I don't want this. I don't want it at all. Flair gets out the traditional NWA taped knux. Piper gets it and hits Piper with it. Mongo and Benoit run out. Mongo hit a tombstone. Everything about this sequence was terrible. 5 dudes out there and none of them were on the same page. And Piper kicked out of it anyway, so it was a big waste of time. Piper wins with the sleeper. After fighting off Benoit and taking the tombstone. He was 43 at the time. 43, well over a decade past his prime, beating Ric Flair clean and fighting off two members of the Horsemen at the same time, both of whom were faces in their own matches earlier in the night, but heels here. 



Hulk Hogan/Dennis Rodman vs Lex Luger/Giant

The match we've all been waiting for. Dennis "Bad Boy" "Rod The Bod" "The Worm" "The Dirty Dog" Rodman in a WCW ring. Buffer's intro for Hogan and Rodmaan is ridiculous. So many fucking words. You know what else is ridiculous? This show drew under 8000 people. Fewer people than BATB the year before in the same building. Why are they even running buildings that small for a giant PPV like this? Hogan and Lex begin. How long are they going to hold off on Rodman? I wonder how long they can get away with not having him in before fans start to turn on the match. The answer is about 7 minutes. 7 minutes of Hogan/Lex doing boring test of strength spots to stall for time. When Rodman comes in, he also stalls for minutes. When he finally locks up, Rodman hits a perfect arm drag, which pops EVERYONE. Savage and Hogan, the crowd, and the announcers. Lex then starts throwing arm drags around like he's Ricky Steamboat. Leap frog/shoulder block spot from Rodman! "Somebody call the law! Somebody call the law!" Lex has worked the entire match so far, which is like 12 minutes. Giant tags in and of course starts getting rag tagged by Hogan. Lol. Maybe they shouldn't have continued to build Giant as 7'4" when Rodman was almost eye to eye with him and is under 7 feet. Double hip toss to Giant. Giant gets Rodman up for the chokeslam. A super tall Sting comes out and hits him with a bat. Pretty obvious that's Kevin Nash. He stepped over the fucking rope, and the announcers still thought it was the real Stang. Come on, brehs. Lex gets Hogan to give up to the torture rack. He then puts Rodman in the rack. And then Macho. WCW wins!


Rodman obviously got it. Had he actually stuck with wrestling like Mongo, I'm sure he could have been a top level heel. He was easily the best thing of the main event. The rest of the show was pretty uneven.  I think it is fair to say Wrath/Mortis vs Glacier/Cat was the most enjoyable match on the card. All things considered, that doesn't say much for the rest of the show. Rodman was easily the star of the show.

Stro1997Comment
WCW Bash At The Beach 1996
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The war has finally come to a head and tonight, the landscape of professional wrasslin changes forever.  Eric Bischoff is missing.  No one knows where he is.  


Rey Mysterio Jr vs Psychosis

Tenay joins the action, so we have a 4 man booth.  Hypno's gear looks rad.  This starts out with a lot of mat work as Tenay gives us a primer on lucha.  Rey gets sent to the floor and Hypno comes out with a tope, with his head going under the guard rail on the impact.  Back to the mat.  Guillotine leg drop!  As just a normal move.  Lariatoooo.  Seems like Hypnosis is going to work on the neck/throat of Rey.  These guys were 21 and 25 respectively.  As they fight on the apron, Hypno gets propelled into the pole.  Rey follows with a diving rana off the apron.  West Coast Pop gets a very near fall.  Rey hits a nasty low dropkick and shows his mat skills.  It doesn't last long before Hypno's size and strength advantage comes into play.  Yo, wtf, senton from the top to the floor.  Crazy.  Psychotic, if you wheel.  Diving rana from the top off the apron to the floor.  These dudes aren't fucking around tonight.  A springboard missile dropkick to the back of the head sends Hypno out.  Rey does a crazy twisting Asai moonsault, hitting his ankle on the railing on the way down.  Rey gets back into the ring with a springboard only to be caught in a powerbomb.  Hypno tries an avalanche splash mountain.  Rey counters with a rana in the air for the win.  Standing ovation from the crowd.  Shit was dope.  

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Konnan.  FUCK YOU.  


Big Bubber vs John Tenta Caron City Silver Dollar Match

It's a roll of silver dollars on a POLE match.  Definitely a dubbed theme for Bubber, which seems weird.  The silver dollars are WAY too high for either guy to get up there.  Way, way, way too high.  Too high for anyone.  They'd need a ladder on top of the top rope to get up there.  MAYBE Jimmy Hart could get up there, but he'd have to shimmy up.  Quake probably got a concussion from taking a back superplex from the bottom rope.  Bubber gets a belt and chokes Quake out.  Then he tapes Quake to the middle rope and whips him.  Bubber tries to cut some more hair.  The free arm finds its way to Bubber's balls.  Quake cuts himself free and then starts to cut the straps securing the pole.  Jimmy actually is able to shimmy up the pole and grab the sock.  Little did he know that Quake had hit a powerslam and was waiting for him.  Tenta hits Boss Man with the sock and gets the win.

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene is with Sting/Lex/Macho in the back.  Macho doesn't even care who the 3rd man is.  He's going to get hurt  just like Hall and Nash.

DDP vs Jim DOOGUN Lord of the Ring Taped Fist Match

Gross.  Gross gross gross.  DDP ties Duggan to the ring post.  While Nick Patrick was getting him cut loose, DDP cut the tape off of Duggan's fists.  DDP wins with the Kanyon Cutter, with Duggan took from his knees.  BANG.  And after the match, Duggan retapes his fist and knocks DDP out.  Holy shit is Duggan the shittiest face.  He's worse than Hogan was at the end of 1995.

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene is with Jimmy, Giant, and Sullivan.  Hey Sullivan, I can tell you're sucking in your gut.  For some reason, the Horsemen seem to think Sullivan is the weak link of the DoD.  The fuck?  He's the leader.  How is he the weak link?  


TO THE TONY THE TIGER. 
Lee is with Arn and Benoit.  If the Horsemen win, one of the Horsemen will get a title shot tomorrow night.  Arn says the Outsiders are going to have a lot rougher road to go down with Sting/Lex/Macho than with Bischoff.  After that, they're going to end the DoD tonight.

Public Enemy vs Nasty Boys Double Dog Collar Match

Weirdly, on the last Nitro, PE's theme was dubbed.  It isn't here.  And it wasn't the time before that that they were on Nitro.  How stupid is it that this is on the PPV, but Steiners vs Harlem Heat for the titles was on the pre show?  Get all of these shits out of my face.  Why can't we get another cruiser match?  I have no doubts that this will suck and be mostly split screen.  Oh hey, it is awfully convenient that there are suddenly trash cans right next to the guard rails.  Grunge gets beat up with an inflatable shark.  The shit is in split screen even when all 4 are right next to each other.  A lot of fighting on the beach.  These teams should never have a match again.  The Nasty Boys should never have a match again.  It finally heads to the ring.  Rocco goes to the top, gets yanked off on top of a table.  Not through it, because it was from Japan.  Sags tries to put Rocco through it with a "blibber" from the middle rope.  It again doesn't break.  Knobs hangs Grunge.  Rocco gets sent into the chain.  Sags pins him for the win.  Rocco attacks after the match.  Oh fuck.  Does that mean this feud isn't over?  "I'd go get me a cinder block."  "I'd go to the locker room and say forget this."  

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene is in the back with 4 police officers, just outside of The Outsiders' locker room.  We still don't know who the 3rd man is.  We don't know where Eric Bischoff is.  Gene had hoped to get a word with Hall or Nash, but he was not able to do so.


Disco Inferno vs That Motherfucker Dean Malenko WCW Cruiserweight Championship

TMF looks ready to FUCK Disco up.  He slaps Disco right in the face, throws him to the floor, and beats his ass.  Disco isn't a cruiser.  He's like 240.  "He must never liked to dance as a kid."  I bet young Dean was a B-Boy in Tampa.  Brainbustaaaa.  He's just beating the breaks off that boy.  Disco finally gets pissed and fires up all over TMF.  Big hot shot.  Stroke!  The flurry doesn't last long.  Disco could have had the win with a neck breaker if he hadn't taken time to fluff his hair.  Lariatoooo.  Dean throws one of his own.  TMF wins with a tiger driver into the cloverleaf.  Title retained.  Really Disco's break out match to let you know that he's more than a comedy gimmick.  It was fun.  Disco would have better matches in the next 2 years, but this was quite enjoyable.

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Joe Gomez vs Steve McMichael

Lol.  Get this shit out of here.  Why would you have Mongo's first singles match be against an unknown rookie who looks like he could be related to Mongo?  "You used to bury him."  I'm going to bury both of these guys.  This sucks.  This PPV has been very uneven.  This is ugly as shit.  Mongo wins with a tombstone.  I have a few questions about this match.  Why would you have Mongo's first match be with a rookie that no one knows?  Why would you have Mongo's first singles match be against a dude that looks like his brother?  Why would you give a dude who is in his 3rd match ever a tombstone as a finisher?


TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE
.  Gene is with Flair, Liz, and Woman.  Do you think Gene and Woman ever boned?  I bet they did.  Gene is going to win the US title from Konnan and win the WCW Championship from Giant tomorrow night.  You can never have enough trophies in life.  Lol Gene.  Just happens to sneak his arm around Woman's waist.  Repeatedly.  If his wiener still worked in 1996, I bet she would have given him a boner on every show.  


Konnan vs Ric Flair WCW US Championship

Can you believe Konnan has been the US champ for nearly 6 months?  If there is a positive thing to say about Konnan, at least he doesn't still have KKK shaved into his head.  Unsurprisingly, these two don't mesh well.  Konnan doesn't mesh well even with lucha dudes who do their best to make him look great.  Konnan doesn't bother to let Liz get out of the way before diving off the apron.  Woman got heavily involved, knocking Konnan off the ropes and then entering the ring to kick him right in the dick.  Good.  Do it again.  Woman KOs Konnan with her shoe.  Flair puts his feet on the TOP rope, which the ref somehow misses.  New champion.  Konnan's reign of terror of terror is over.  Guys who couldn't make Konnan looks any good: Flair, Guerrero, Liger, Psychosis.

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene is in front of The Outsiders locker room.  He's been eavesdropping, but can't tell what is being said.  Still no word on where Bischoff could be.  


Arn Anderson/Chris Benoit vs Taskmaster/The Giant

Giant and Sullivan attack during entrances.  Mongo hit Giant with the case.  Giant chases Mongo to the back, leaving Sullivan alone.  Jimmy gets Giant back to ringside before too much double teaming can go down.  That said, Sullivan has still been in the ring the entire match.  Probably not the best idea to have a completely unlikable dude with no fire be the FIP, but there was a good reaction to the hot tag.  Sullivan and Arn do the worst slingshot spot.  Benoit and Sullivan go fighting up to the announcing area.  Giant hits the chokeslam in the ring for the win.  Benoit dives off the stage, taking out Sullivan and a palm tree.  "Get off my lap, Tony."  Benoit and Sullivan head back to the ring.  Benoit hits a super back drop.  Woman comes out and pleads for Chris to stop.  The Giant comes back and Benoit leaves.  Giant carries baby Sullivan to the back.

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A special look at the Hostile Takeover.  

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The Outsiders vs Sting/Lex Luger/Randy Savage

This place is amped.  Everyone is standing.  Still no 3rd man.  The drama is so thick you CAN'T cut it with a knife.  Sting's music hits.  Gene comes out instead, looking confused.  Gene wants to know who the god damn 3rd man is.  "All you need to know, little mayne, is that he's here, and he's ready."  The 2 of them are enough as it is.

Hall and Lex start the match.  Lex hits the forearm on both men.  Nash grabs Lex in the corner.  Sting comes in with a Stinger Splash, accidentally squashing Lex in the process.  Lex falls to the floor and appears completely out.  EMTs put Lex on a gurney and take him to the back.  Hall tries to take some shots at him while he's tied up.  Hall slaps Sting right in the face, which gets Sting all FIIIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEEDD UP.  Macho tags in and gets hits in the gut.  Nash hits sneaky snake eyes.  Nash then tags in for the first time.  "Who bad?  WHO BE BAD NOW?  WHO BE BAD NOW?  Deal on him, brother!"  Macho tries to roll out of an elbow drop and actually made it worse for himself.  Nash's power is too much for Sting.  Fall away slam.  Big boot.  Sting is able to hit a low dropkick on Nash, but couldn't make the tag.  Macho tries to use a chair.  Tony is all supportive of Hall and Nash getting injured.  CHEAT TO WIN.  HIT HIM WITH A BOARD.  INJURE THEM.  Side walk slam.  Sting is getting wrecked.  Hot tag to Macho!  "Randy Savage is in and he's NUTS!"  HULK HOGAN IS IN THE BUILDING!  "Yeah, but whose side is he on?!?!"  Hulk Hogan just leg dropped Macho Man.  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  More leg drops.  Randy Anderson is thrown from the ring.  Hall counts the pin for Hulk.  The reaction is wonderful.  Trash is starting to fill the ring.  

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TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE.  Gene gets hit in the head with a full drink heading for Hulk.  "You can call this the New World Order of wrestling, brother."  You see, those 2 came down from a big company up north and who knows better about that company more than Hogan?  Hulk made them so much money that he became bigger than the whole company.  Open drinks are hitting Hogan now.  Hulk got bored, brother.  "They're the NEW BLOOD of professional wrestling, brother."  "Look at all of this crap in this ring."  "As far as I'm concerned, all of this crap in the ring represents all these fans out here."  "You fans can STICK IT, brother." "I'm Tony Schiavone.  Hulk Hogan, you can go to hell.  We're outta here.  Straight to hell."  

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  Match wise, it was a very uneven show.  Rey/Psychosis was by far the match of the night, Dean/Disco was fun, and the main even was good enough since the angle was more important than the actual mechanics of the match.  God damn that reaction when Hulk dropped the leg.  And that same noise didn't stop for the entire promo afterwards.  Just a roar of confusion and anger.  It's amazing.  Trash every where, Tony telling Hogan to go to hell and storming off, Gene being disgusted, Brain being vindicated after a decade of shit talking Hulk.  I don't think there has been a heel turn since to get that kind of reaction.  I think this was the last time a heel turn was real.

Stro1996Comment
WCW Bash at the Beach 1995
 
 

 

 

I might as well keep up seeing how far I can plunge into the well of despair.  This show was actually at THE BEACH.  A real beach.  Huntington Beach, to be exact.  I've been there.  Tony says this is the biggest US audience ever for a WCW show.  Which sounds really good until you find out that it was a free show because it was on a public beach.

Meng hype video.  That's certainly a way to start of the show.  

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene speaks with US Champion Sting!  Even Sting's bright colors aren't helping me out of this pit.  Papa Sting and Mama Sting are in the crowd on the beach.  Sting is sun burnt.  Burned.  It's going to hurt when Meng no doubt chops him 19 times and does a nerve hold for 7 minutes.

 

Sting vs Meng WCW US Championship

Poor Col. Parker, wearing his full suit and leather cowboy hat on the beach in California in July.  Michael Buffer is also in his full suit, but with shades because he's cool like that.  Naturally, the match devolves into a game of pea knuckles moments in.  And then the chops start.  And then there is a stale mate.  I wonder if Meng chopped things on the isle of Tonga.  Could he chop away his depression?  Could he headbutt mental pain?  Is it possible that he put that dark abyss in a nerve hold and rested for many minutes until the abyss was no more?  Speaking of, nerve holds.  A lot of them.  I wonder how those surfers I see in the back ground feel about all of the trashy ruffians on the beach.  I wonder if it bothered them.  I wonder if they liked it.  I wonder if it threw them off their games.  Could the gravitational pull be changed with that large gathering of literal red necks?  Scorpion Deathlock.  Sting breaks the hold to go after Col. Parker.  Meng does a SHOOT brainbuster that looks like it almost broke Sting's neck.  That might have been the bump that inspired Crow Sting.  It was his descent into darkness, much like KOTR 1995 was for me.  Meng goes back to rest holds, as the majority of his offense appears to be made out of rest holds.  Is there a lot of rest to be had on the isle of Tonga?  I would like for this match to end soon.  Meng can't even do a Boston crab properly.  The only time Meng was good was fucking up jobbers.  He's awful when it comes to real matches.  If he ever reads this somehow, I will give him my personal address and I will say it to his face without fear, because I have faced the face of fear.  I am no longer afraid.  If he kills me, then I die and my suffering is finally ended.  And if he doesn't kill me, I will have once again faced a face of fear and taken one more step to immortality.  Sting is murdered when Meng gets his foot up during a Stinger Splash.  Meng is dangerous.  In a bad way.  Sting wins with a roll up that really was OUTTA NOWHERE.  Title retained.  Meng attacks after the bell.  Hawk came out to make sure nothing else happened.  

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene speaks with Jimmy Hart and the Terminal Soldier.  Jimmy's voice is more annoying than usual.

 

Paul Orndorff vs The Renegade WCW Television Championship

Wonderful quickly hits a windy elbow, but it was not of high quality.  Renegade is truly terrible.  Everything he does looks like it either kills a guy or wouldn't hurt a bird.  A little, tiny bird.  Maybe a humming bird.  Wonderful uses sand as a weapon, as many surfers have done.  This is bad.  If there is a story in this match, I can't follow it.  Similarly, I don't believe there was a story for Sting/Meng.  Renegade got the pin on a back suplex.  Title retained.  Wonderful attacks after the bell.  Gatorade no sold a piledriver and hit a top rope cross body.

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TO THE DUNGEON.  Kevin Sullivan is walking around with a goblet of dry ice, looking like a real asshole.  Then King Curtis yells about sand and warriors and enslaving the beach.  All of this for Kamala?  Even he looks surprised as he lays his head upon the breast of King Curtis.  

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene speaks with Jim DOOGUN, who is very upset tonight.  No more Mr. Nice Guy, Tough Guy.  Oh my god, am I about to see Duggan vs Kamala?  In 1995?  

 

Kamala vs Jim DOOGUN

Oh my god.  My god, why have you forsaken me?  What have I done to draw such ire?  I've tried to be a decent person in my life.  I don't steal.  I try to be as friendly as I can in most situations.  I hold doors open for people.  I'm friendly to animals.  What is it that I have done to you?  Why do you torture me?  Why do you give me such pains?  I feel like you go out of your way to make my heart feel such sorrow.  My heart is blacker and emptier than deepest, darkest Africa.  An Africa before time.  When the darkness of Africa had nothing to do with racism, but because there was no light.  Light had not yet been invented by the Inventor.  Africa was truly deep, and truly dark.  There was no land.  There was no light.  Just deepness and darkness.  And in that time, the Lord decided that billions of years later, he would do his best to drive a small Mid Western half Jew to severe depression and eventually alcoholism, trying to see how far he could push this little man.  One of his chosen people.  He chose to push this person to the brink.  To see how far he could push it.  Could he push this man over the edge?  Could he make this man jump into a volcano?  Could he make this man ride a tornado?  How far could he push this little man before the little man could be no more?  Zodiac hit Duggan with Kamala's mask, giving Kamala the win.  This is one of the worst matches of all time.  Untrained indie workers could put on better matches.  I believe backyard wrestlers could look like better wrestlers than these two.  He has pushed me almost too far.  It's getting dangerous.

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TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene gets a few words with the Macho Man.  Maybe I've been given these tests to make me appreciate the Macho Man even more.  Macho rambles like only he can, while managing to get in a Slim Jim plug while wearing a Slim Jim hat and shirt.  

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DDP vs Dave Sullivan

Jesus fuck.  You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?  You're a real cunt.  I see why you needed a sequel to try to convince people you weren't a huge cunt.  It didn't work.  You, God, whatever name you want to go by, are a massive and miserable cunt and I wish you would find something better to do than make me hate life.  This has been a horrible show.  Horrible.  The people on the beach that didn't pay deserve a refund.  And despite how terrible this is, it somehow isn't as bad as the last match.  Maxx Muscle distracted Evad.  DDP hit a Kanyon Cutter for the win.  BANG!

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TO THE MEAN SUCKA.  Gene gets words with Harlem Heat and Sister Sherri.  

 

Harlem Heat vs Blue Bloods vs Nasty Boys WCW Tag Team Championships Triangle Match

Triangle matches are not the same as triple threats.  There will be two separate matches.  Triangle matches are essentially a 3 way tournament with one team getting a bye.  The last tournament I watched was one of the worst I've ever seen.  This involved the Nasty Boys.  Really hard to say which is worse.  Coin tosses determine that the Nasty Boys and Harlem Heat will have the first match.  Fuck.  When I say "god damn it", what I mean is "god damn god".  The Blue Bloods get involved from the start and the rules of this match are already not being followed.  Regal is taken to Pity City.  As is Eaton.  What's really sad about this is that I feel like there is zero chance that to this point of the show, the Nasty Boys won't be in the best match.  Regal and Booker have a fun exchange.  Even though they said this would be two different matches, like Sting/Vader/Boss Man triangle match, it is a standard triple threat with anyone able to tag anyone and the champions not having to be pinned to lose the belts.  Just keep Booker, Regal, and Eaton in the ring.  This was still pretty early into the concept of this kind of match, so they have no idea of how to do it and keep up any kind of flow.  Regal straight up bitch slaps Book.  Why couldn't he bitch slap Knobs?  This whole match is just guys getting a move or two off and then a blind tag.  Over and over and over.  It is better than the previous matches, but only because there are a couple of actual wrestlers matching up in this from time to time.  The Nasty Boys pinned Booker T (with Sags straight tea bagging him) while Booker was on top of Regal.  The Nasty Boys thought they won, but Booker actually got the pin on Regal.  Titles retained.  Gene got some words with the champs after the match.

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TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE.  The humidity is doing Flair's hair no favors.  It's not fair to Flair.  Flair fucked a bunch of Baywatch babes apparently.  He makes Gene corpse while talking about Space Mountain.

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Randy Savage vs Ric Flair Life Guard Match

It's a lumberjack match.  But we're on the beach, so it is now a lifeguard match.  With some girls allegedly from Baywatch, but not any of the women that anyone knows.  KANYON is one of the lifeguards!  Making that PPV chingle chingle.  Not only is Macho wearing his Slim Jim colored gear, but he's actually announced as the national spokesman for Slim Jim.  Which is interesting.  I bet he was CLEANING UP on this show, considering he's wearing SJ gear, earlier was wearing a SJ hat and shirt, the show is sponsored by SJ, and he's announced as the SJ spokesman for his match.  Mother fuck got paid, no doubt.  The match starts in a hurry with Macho all over Flair.  A cheap shot gets things back in his favor.  For every chop Flair throws, Macho throws a punch.  Flair Flip sends Flair out, right into the face lumberguards who throw him right back in.  Savage is tossed all the way to the sand, but he's tossed back in with no cheap shots.  Flair is wearing peach colored gear, which makes him look like he doesn't tan his ass with the rest of his body.  It is supposed to be pink.  It might be pink.  But against his super tan leathery hide, it looks like skin untouched by the kiss of the sun.  Lifejacks haven't been too involved.  Flair goes up top.  Instead of getting tossed off, Macho falls into the ropes, and then Flair falls onto him, hitting his jaw on Randy's head.  Knee breaker.  We're about to go to school.  Figure four.  Mr. Poffo is in the crowd tonight.  He also didn't pay for a ticket.  Maybe all the Slim Jim plugs were to counter act the lack of paying audience.  Stalling vertical throw.  Harlem Heat marked for it.  This just fires Savage up and he starts punching the shit out of Flair.  Flair seemingly tries to run away and then the heels run him back in.  Double ax handle.  Arn gets on the apron and then in the ring.  Eye poke from Flair.  Flair is back dropped over the top.  The Nasty Boys catch him.  During the fracas, Arn came back and hit Savage with a DDT.  2 count!  Flair goes up top one more time and gets tossed this time.  Double ax handle.  Flying elbow drop.  Macho wins!

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Long Vader/Hogan hype video to fill time for the cage being put up.  It includes clips of Vader apparently beating the shit out of jobbers on independent house shows set to Rey Jr's first theme.  


TO THE MEAN GENE.  Vader tells Gene what time it is.  Hulk thinks this is his home town advantage, but Vader himself grew up in inner city LA, MURKING MOTHER FUCKERS FOR FOOD.  We're shown some clips to hype Collision in Korea, which is NOT offered on WWE Network.  


TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE.  Oh shit, Dennis Rodman is with the Hulkster today.  Hulk says Vader living in the inner city is *SPIT*.   Then Rodman aggressively wipes Hulk's mouth, which leads Hulk to an interesting and somewhat angry "Take it easy, big man".  It was weird.  Apparently Hogan is in collusion with the great white sharks, who will be waiting to eat Vader when Hulk throws him in the ocean.  He also calls Rodman, "Rodney".  Rodman says somethings.  I have no idea what they were besides BASH.  

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Vader vs Hulk Hogan WCW Championship Steel Cage Match

Hulk jumps Vader at the bell and it is ON.  Hulk choking someone noises are the worst.  Worse than all the noises that Lex Luger made.  Vader is getting the shit knocked out of him, but he won't go down.  Hogan goes into the cage and Vader starts throwing hammers.  Hulk puts on Vader's helmet and does the worst headbutts you'll ever see.  Vader Bomb.  Hulk apparently has busted himself open from inside of the Vader helmet.  Another Vader Bomb.  Hulk kicks out and gets to his feet, but not by Hulking up.  Vader tries something off the top.  It almost looked like he was going to do a SSP or something.  Whatever he tried, it didn't work and he ended up missing a senton and twisted in the air, likely fucking up his shoulder.  Now Hulk goes to work.  Guys, Vader's hurt, guys.  I think he's hurt, guys.  A slam doesn't work for Hulk.  The next one works just fine, but hurt Hogan's back.  Second rope splash.  Now Hulk is HULKING UP.  Big boot.  Vader doesn't go down.  Hulk tries a running big boot and gets his foot no higher than Vader's gunt.  Sullivan and Zodiac run out.  Rodman gets rid of them.  Leg drop.  Hogan then poses around for no reason like he just won the match.  Another leg drop.  Hulk begins the climb.  Vader follows him up.  Vader kind of gets crotched and Hogan climbs out.  Title retained.  After the match, Ric Flair ran into the ring and berated Vader for losing.  During this, Brain and Tony acted like they were off air, because this is a SHOOT!  "Great telecast, Brain."  "Are we getting this?  Are we getting this on film?"  Vader grabs Flair.  Arn runs in and Flair gets the fuck right out of there.  I guess Vader just turned face.  

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This show was probably as bad as KOTR 1995.  Macho/Flair is really the only thing to keep it from being one of the worst cards of all time.  1993 Vader vs 1988 Hogan would have been amazing.  1995 Vader vs 1995 Hogan was not amazing at all.  1995 was a terrible time for pro wrestling in the United States.  Duggan/Kamala might be one of the worst worked matches of all time.

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