WWE Backlash 2017

Shinsuke Nakamura vs Dolph Ziggler

Nakamura's main roster debut, the focus of nearly all the promotion for this show...and it's the first match. I assume so the crowd wouldn't be singing his song all show. However, I would like to point out that about 2 weeks before this, Dolph Ziggler had a match that Sin Cara that Sin Cara dominated and Ziggler had to cheat to win. This was after months of feuding with Apollo Crews (African-American) and Kalisto (Mexican), while he adopted wearing American flags and having the logo of the Gadsen flag on his tights as well. And now he's being a huge disrespectful dickhead to another minority co-worker. It's a weirdly subtle racism gimmick in that they haven't actually mentioned it as such on screen. Although, when you have the racist heel who fans are completely sick of, and he gets "Thank you Ziggler" chants for beating on two minorities with a chair, maybe it's better that they don't bring attention to it. But that's where we're at, a Dolph Ziggler who has spent most of this year having trouble with and losing to lower mid carders, who is now smothering Nakamura in the ring. And it's not a particularly good match. Ziggler's whole thing seems to be do something really basic like a headlock or elbow drop, then standing around screaming that HE'S THE MAN, then just standing around trying to figure out what to do next. If you were expecting some big MOTY type stuff like the Nak/Sami match, first off why would you expect that out of Dolph Ziggler, and second this is just a SD main event on PPV. Nakamura wins with the kinshasa. 


TO THE BACK. AJ Styles gets warmed up.

THE FASHION FILES. Fandango is up to his knees in Fashion Felonies, needing his partner, Tyler Breeze. A janitor walks in. It was Tyler Breeze in disguise. SWERVE! 


Breezango vs Usos WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championships

Fandango seems to have brought that janitor with him. The janitor enters the ring. He's still got his mop. That's an international object, ref. MOP MOP MOP MOP MOP MOP. The mop is now the most over competitor in this match. And Breeze is allowed to use the mop for some reason. I mean, the janitor. Jey broke the mop. UCE, PLS. Lmao at Breeze slowly rolling back and forth to avoid the Superfly splash. "You about to get this work." The janitor disappears and now an old lady is up on the apron, getting tagged into the ring. "Let's go grandma." Lmao. Jimmy threw the dress and it somehow managed to hit JBL in the face. JBL then makes a joke about a hooker and the announce crew completely loses it and never regains composure. Breezango nearly scores the upset multiple times, and this is a legitimately fun and funny comedy match that everyone involved with (wrestlers, crowd, announcers) seemed to very much enjoy themselves during. Usos barely win after superkicking Fandango off the ropes. Titles retained.


Sami Zayn vs Baron Corbin

I feel like Sami wearing what appears to be anti-Trump tights when he's an immigrant of Syrian descent and there's a McMahon in Trump's cabinet is a bold move. Sami somehow hurts his lower back on a dropkick, and that becomes the focus of the match. I feel like every god damn Sami match has him injuring himself to set up the rest of the match. Kind of hard to take it seriously when he does it every match. This is pretty dull despite Corbin's aggressive cuntiness and Sami's great babyface selling. Idk, it just isn't clicking for me. Sami won withe the helluva kick OUTTA NOWHERE.


TO THE BACK. The Maharajah of Muscles, the Juicy One, the King of Lions, Jinder Mahal arrives. This dude looks BALLER as fuck. Great suit, great turban, great beard. "Chicago is full of haters. America is full of haters." You ain't wrong, Jinder. "You hate me for who you think I am. You hate me for the way that I look. You hate me for the way that I talk." You still ain't lying, my man. He's gonna turn all that negativity into goodness. Dude is just proud of his people.


Charlotte/Naomi/Becky Lynch vs Carmella/Natalya/Tamina

Lmao, James Ellsworth did introductions, calling himself the Michael Jordan of sports entertainment and the "Excelsior of elocution". Becky's hair is...interesting. Braided sides with a pompadour on top, looking like some kind of Last of the Mohicans mullet. I'm not sure why Charlotte was immediately turned face upon being drafted to Smackdown, but here we are. This is a pretty messy match, with LOTS of missed strikes from everyone. Naomi spent most of the match as FIP, which is weird since she's the champion. Nattie made Becky tap to the sharpshooter.


Kevin Owens vs AJ Styles WWE US Championship

AJ is fired the fuck up. Hopefully KO can find a balance between absurd spotfest and nothing but chinlocks. AJ tweaked his knee on SD, and Owens keeps trying to go after it. Fucking lol at KO getting stuck trying to roll off from doing a senton. On and off through a number of chinlocks, AJ hits the Urshigoroshi and re-tweaks his knee. Because KO is fat, you see. God, I have no idea why that crazy pumphandle neckbreaker isn't KO's finisher. It looks so much more brutal than the papa powerbomb. I suppose he can't do it to everyone, but if they can pretend that him doing the pop up powerbomb to Mark Henry wasn't ridiculous, anything is possible. KO finally gets his opening and blasts AJ's leg against the post, now getting to stay on destroying the leg. I've seen a lot of dudes try to do the "slipped off the ropes while jumping" spot, and no one has ever done it as convincingly and cool looking as AJ. He also hits a HORRIBLE looking apron suplex where KO straight up landed on the lip of the apron. Man, I really wish apron spots would die off. They're already reaching critical mass in WWE and they've only been being used regularly for about 2 years. They're on every show now. Anyway, AJ tried to hit a Styles Clash on the announce table, but his leg fell into one of the monitor holes. His foot got tangled up in cables underneath and he was unable to make it back to the ring before the 10 count. Title retained. 


Luke Harper vs Erick Rowan

Wyatt Family EXPLODES....again. In theory, this could be a solid HOSS match. In practice, Rowan sucks and this is a blatant cool down match. I'm not sure what the hell is going on with Harper. He's gotten into the best shape of his career, and he ended the go home show to WM in a match against the champion. Now he's back to floundering and getting stuck with Rowan again. Harper won with a spinning elbow.


Randy Orton vs Jinder Mahal WWE Championship

I love that Jinder's whole thing is that Americans are hypocrites who claim they accept diversity, until they get it, then they hate on dudes for not being stereotypes they're comfortable with...and the crowds boo him for that instead of being a cheating heel. But holy shit, his theme is fucking amazing. These veins. Dude LOOKS like a fucking star. He carries himself like a fucking star. Most importantly, he looks and sounds like he believes everything he says, which is just as important as twerkrate. I buy that this dude legitimately thinks he should be champion. Randy attacks during introductions. He's lost his temper. That temper that hasn't been brought up in years. Randy just beats that ass around ringside, and then the match officially begins. Jinder ain't fidna to be hindered tonight and goes after Randy's chronically injured shoulders. Weathered the storm and is now in control. Holy shit, dueling chants for Jinder. I don't know what the fuck Orton's deal is, but he's being reckless as fuck throwing Jinder around the tables. This is certainly Jinder's career performance. It's not like he's known for being particularly good, but he's brought his A game. Orton, weirdly enough, is also putting in more effort than he has in probably 3 years. He's having a better match with Jinder than he did with AJ Styles, if you can believe it. RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!!! BANG! The Bollywood Boyz pull Jinder out of the ring, and Randy absolutely fucking murders them. Particularly one, who he throws so fucking recklessly on the tables that the dude flips in the air, lands right on his fucking head, and Orton actually walks away wincing because he knew he fucked that up. Jesus Christ. That was disgusting. The fuck, man? He goes on to also drop them straight on their heads on the hanging DDT. The fuck is wrong with you, Randy?  Instead of just falling back like he normally does, he starts to fall back then jerked down, so instead of being able to land flat, they both had no time to adjust and hit the mat at bad angles. Jinder hit the Khallas. HOLY SHIT JINDER MAHAL IS THE WWE CHAMPION! Lmao, it's like the streak just ended again. These crowd reactions. Also lmao at Jinder walking around the whole fucking arnea celebrating while the Bollywood Boyz are dead on the floor. LOLOLOLOL a THANK YOU JINDER chant breaks out. 


Look, I'm not going to pretend that Jinder Mahal is a great wrestler. He's not. He's pretty average. But this dude went from being a comedy character having to get drunk nightly to deal with being so miserable, to getting cut, to getting hired back just to be filler, to completely recreating himself and talking/looking/carrying himself like a star to being the champion less than a year later. If you can't respect that, you ain't shit. All these people talking about how unfair it is because he's juicing (because obviously he's the only person on the WWE roster on gear) or because the expansion into India and how he doesn't "deserve" his push like guys like Cesaro and Sami Zayn do are shitbirds. 

People act like Jinder came out of nowhere and was some WWE product. He wasn't. He spent 10 years on the indies, but his time and toiling doesn't count because it wasn't for "real" indies that people have heard of.  Even though he has a very strong connection to Stampede Wrestling, having been trained by Bad News Allen and his uncle, The Great Gama, as well as working in the 2000s revival alongside Tyson Kidd, Natalya, and Harry Smith, even working with Samoa Joe in Canada. For some reason, THEIR journies count, but his doesn't.  But this isn't uncommon. There is a whole host of talent on the roster right now that didn't come up through the indies and therefore don't "deserve" their spots. It just happens that almost all of them tend to be black, brown, or non-American. 

Examples: The Usos, Roman Reigns, Naomi Nia Jax, Tamina, Arya Daivari, Mustafa Ali, Sheamus for most of his WWE career until he started teaming with Cesaro (despite him being a big star on the UK indie scene before coming to WWE), the Colons despite their pedigree and not even getting screen time for months at a time, the Authors of Pain until about a month before this show. 

Fascinatingly, WWE has managed to recontextualize the foreign heel into being foreign not only due to his color or background, but foreign to the rigors and credibility of the independent scene. Not that it was intentional by any means, but it happened organically on the basis of who has been hired and pushed over the past few years. It just happens that wrestling fans also still have a lot of racism in their hearts, so Jinder is getting heat from both levels, and he's a fresh and completely unexpected face in the main event scene. He's got the look, he's got the swag, he's got the body, he's decent enough in the ring that good layouts can lead to good matches. I fully support this decision. #MaharajahOfMuscles #JuicyJinder #KingOfLions #PunjabPrince #SikhSet

WWE Backlash 2006

As voted by the WrassleGAF Universe.

Chris Masters vs Carlito

A real Masterpiece wouldn't have the inner forearm tattoo. Former friends, now locked in a battle for failed expectations supremacy. Carlito's shirt poses an interesting question: Do you spit or swallow? I believe those in the business call that a "double entendre". Masters gets a slap in the face. Masters pulls the shirt off, negating the spit or swallow question and taking a third option: Gag. Full disclosure, I enjoyed Masters more than Carlito even at the time and before Masters ever got any good. Carlito gets out of a press slam and locks on the Master Lock! I'd like to see Masters do the Back Stabber. Masters is sent to the floor. Pescado from Carlito. Carlito reminds me of James Franco doing a Razor Ramon impression, but being so high he kind of forgets who he is impersonating half way through. Bucklebomb from Masters. A MASTERS SUCKS chant starts up and dies off pretty quickly. Carlito is getting pulled around by his natural. Back elbow gets a near fall. Lariatooo. It was solid, but hit in the middle of the chest, which definitely deducts points on the Hansen scale. Master Lock is countered with a roll up. Springboard back elbow. Carlito grabs his apple. That is not a "double entendre". The apple distracts Master's, much like a golden retriever and a tennis ball. Masters hits a stiff forearm to the lower back. Belly to back superplex is countered. Standing moonsault from Carlito. Near fall. "I heard after he checks out of his hotel room, the mirrors don't cool down for 30 minutes." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, King. Carlito escapes (not breaks) the Master Lock and hits the back stabber for the win. He used the ropes just because.

TO THE MARIA. Man, I miss Maria. She does a poll to see who will leave with the WWE Championship tonight. Fans were asked earlier in the show. Fans seem mixed. Lita shows up and says she and Edge don't care about all these rednecks. She's kept her mouth shut...Maria says she's heard that Lita keeps her mouth wide open. I believe that to be a blowjob reference. She and Edge are going to bone tonight.

Umaga vs Ric Flair

The match starts on the floor and Flair is already down and out. Thumb to the eye! Low blow! Another low blow. None of this matters. YouManga quickly wins in dominating fashion. King makes illegal immigrant jokes about Estrada.

TO THE BACK. Vince and Shane get pumped up. Vince reminds Shane that this isn't a handicap match. "You leave God to me." Vince goes on to say that he can do anything God can do and proves it by walking on water. He then breaks bread and throws a fish. Moments later, a massive amount of bread and fish fly back to him. Shane's water had turned into win. HOLY MACKEREL!

Mickie James vs Trish Stratus WWE Women's Championship

Mickie and those skirts. God damn. Trish also looks banging. Trish gets a near fall on a roll up from the outset. MaTrish into a headscissors. It appears Trish wants her fucking belt back. Dropkick. Chick Kick misses, but a pump kick hits Mickie in the eye. Lou Thesz Press off the apron! Lou would be so proud. Stinger Splash. Corner 10 count punch is countered by Mickie apparently pulled Trish down by her collar bone. Trish falls all the way to the floor and appears to have injured the right arm. Mickie chokes Trish with something and breaks on 5, so she was disqualified. Well, that's some bullshit. It went like 4 minutes and ended just when it seemed like the heat segment was going to start.

TO THE MARIA. Her guest at this time is HBK. Vince asked her to ask Shawn if God will show up tonight. HBK says the Lord is with him. But this is a handicap match. HBK has two words for Vince...which doesn't seem very Christian like to me unless he meant Jesus Saves.

Shelton Benjamin vs Rob Van Dam WWE Intercontinental Championship/Money in the Bank Briefcase Winner Take All

"It's obvious that Van Dam's favorite number is 420." I completely forgot about Shelton going through a phase of wearing Rock sunglasses and $500 shirts. Shelton takes RVD down and gives him a slap in the face. Man, what the fuck Shelton, you're really going to wear basketball shoes under your kick pads? You can't wear wrestling shoes or boots? Are you Frankie Kazarian? Wacky leg roll up from RVD. Arm drags. Shelton dodges a kick and begs off. RVD is busted open by the eye already. Brief WE WANT MAMA chant. Shelton's mama couldn't be there due to surgery. RVD hits a series of kicks and clotheslines Shelton rolls out of of the ring on a Rolling Thunder attempt. RVD hits him with a pescado instead. Shelton gets in the ring and does a sunset flipbomb off the apron. A few notes from this: They play up the lower back and kidneys making the splat, without even acknowledging RVD's head bouncing off the floor. King can not pronounce "pendulum". Shelton hits a big knee to the head with RVD in the ropes. Camel clutch. RVD does not like the body slams he's taking. Shelton can decide if he's going to work the lower back or upper back/neck. RVD shoves off the t-bone. He goes into Rolling Thunder, which Shelton catches and turns into a Samoan drop. RVD shoves off a superplex, but Shelton pops back up with the Angle style spot. Except instead of running up the ropes, he jumps to the top rope. This is pretty beat for beat the RVD WWE match. He lands Rolling Thunder on the third attempt. 2 count. Split legged moonsault. Shelton lands on his feet from a monkey flip. Despite countering that and Rolling Thunder, he falls prey to catching RVD's kick just to get kicked with the other foot. The frog splash misses. RVD gets planted with a DDT. Shelton goes to get the briefcase. RVD follows him out and gets a kick to the head. Top rope cross body. RVD rolls through for a near fall. RVD somehow manages to dodge the dragon whip kick and hits a rana. Mini ref bump. RVD hits a Vandaminator with the briefcase and then the frog splash for the win. New champion. Briefcase retained.

Big Show vs Kane

Well fuck. This was a TV main event in 2014. Fucking Christ. Taker was wrong. Death, taxes, and Big Show vs Kane. This was during the time when Kane was haunted by his own upcoming movie release date for some reason. Was that ever explained? Get this shit out of here. There is no way anyone wanted to see this. The lights go red and Kane's voice comes over the PA system whispering and screaming MAY 19TH. This is FUCKING STUPID. Jeeeezzzus. Kane rolls around on the mat like a toddler, the fans have gone silent because this is stupid as fuck. And it is going on FOREVER. Big Show gets a chair and starts crying. Then he hits Kane in the head with the chair. And as he does, the lights come back up and the voices stop. Big Show walks off and I guess the match is over.

TO THE BACK. Vince is getting ready when Candice Michelle comes in. She has a chest cold, and with Vince being God, she wondered if he could lay a healing hand on her. "HEAL! HEAL THIS WOMAN'S VOLUPTUOUS BREASTS!" The power of Vince gives CandIce an orgasm. Shane comes in and apparently is not at all surprised to see what looks like his father sexually assaulting an employee. JR was not impressed.

Vince McMahon/Shane McMahon vs Shawn Michaels/God

King brings up a good point for once in his life: If Vince is God, does that make Shane the son of God? Shane is Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzuuuuuuuuussssss! Vince introduces the Holy Roller, the Hipster from Heaven, the Man Upstairs, from the Kingdom of Heaven...God! God is coming down the aisle! When He gets half way to the ring, Vince stops Him. This isn't God's house, this is Vince's house! He shits on God for His lame entrance. God needs to get jiggy with it. He makes God change His entrance music to an alternate version of Somebody Call My Mama and then proceeds to get funky like a monkey in public if you wheel. God makes it into the ring. Vince makes the ref check Him, then changes his mind and tells God to BRING IT. He also announces this is now a no holds barred match. Praise be the name of Vincent Kennedy McMahon! This is fucking AMAZING. Vince is the best. Of all time.

Vince says HBK and God are going STRAIGHT TO HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLL and gets smacked in the mouth for it. Shane gets handled in the ring. Pescado on Vince. Fuck the match, I want to see Vince heeling on God some more. Tope to Shane on the other side of the ring. HBK definitely called Shane a son of a bitch. Not very Christian of you, brother. Shane and HBK are on the stage now. Shane tried a piledriver off the stage and is back dropped. Vince shows up with a chair. HBK crossbodies Vince and they both go off the stage. As Shawn climbs back up, he gets drilled in the face with a chair. He's of course busted open. JR insists that the McMahons can have no sympathy or compassion because they are rich. Shane and HBK head back to ringside. HBK is posted. Pretty sweet arm drag into the guard rail. "The wall didn't give. The wall didn't sell a thing." *Cut to JR bitching about people exposing the business* Great back suplex from Shane. Flying elbow drop is missed. Shane recovers to hit a float over DDT. Vince wants the tag. Off comes the belt. Yappapi, brother! HBK is getting that strappage, dude. God appears to have left ringside. In comes a trash can. And now he wants a mic. Vince takes time to shit talk God more. I love it. God is leaving the match! God has abandoned his partner! "Ladies and gentleman, God has left the building!" Man, what a pussy that God is. Vince attempts a super kick. He got is foot pretty high, actually. But HBK caught it and fires up. JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS FUCKING CHRIST Shane blasts Vince with a chair. God damn it. Sounded like a fucking gun shot. HBK hits his 5MOD on Shane. Vince stood up and got superkicked back down as well. HBK gets a giant ladder and tables. He puts Shane and Vince on tables. He jumps the opposite way and lands on the Spirit Squad, who had just made it to ringside. After this, they gang up on HBK. Dolph was a jobber from the start. They do their super powerbomb thingy through a table. Vince makes the pin. Vince wins! Vince McMahon has defeated GOD! "It's the father, the son, and the holy spirit...squad."

TO THE TODD. Todd speaks with John Cena. It's 2006 and they're doing the "Some fans don't like you", which actually started by Summerslam of 2005. And it still goes on today. Cena cuts the same cheesedick promo he'd give today as well. Except his voice isn't quite as deep.

TO THE CLASS ROOM. Oh hey, a talk show segment on PPV. Striker does a lot of local Kentucky heeling. And he brings out one of the smartest men from Kentucky, Eugene. He gives Matt a hug, which Matt doesn't like at all because he's a meany face. Matt wants him to spell his name. What he writes on the board is Matt Striker Loves Poop. YOU LOVE POOP chant. Man, KY doesn't even realize how hard they're getting trolled. Eugene then picks his nose and gets a very large booger and nearly eats it. Matt stops him. He puts it in Matt's mouth. Stone Cold Stunner! Boy was this a waste of time and offensive to teachers, the mentally challenged, Kentucky, and wrestling fans.

Edge vs John Cena vs Triple H WWE Championship

Edge steps out of the ring to let HHH and Cena settle their issues. What a gentleman. Fans are not into Cena. Big surprise. He's going against two heels and he gets the most boos. Edge looks so young. He aged a ton from 2008-2010. They finally get tired of Edge standing around, so he gets ping bonged around. They take turns slamming Edge's head off the announce table and shoot grins at each other. HHH then attacks Cena from behind. Cena does a Superfly Splash. Protoslam. 5KS. Lita low bridged him. Lariatoooooo to Edge. HHH has a really underrated one. He didn't throw it often, but when he did, he was trying to take a head off. EdgeOMatic. Cena almost hits a double FU. Edge slips off and hits a spear instead. HHH gets sling shot into the ring post and is immediately gushing blood because this was still during the time period where HHH and HBK trying to see who could bleed more. Edge hit the Impaler on the Spanish announce table, which should be renamed the Japanese announce table because it didn't budge. Blood fucking everywhere. Come on, Hunter, this shit is a B level PPV. You don't need to tap an artery for it. STF on Edge in the ring. Could you tighten that up, John? Please? It's a choke anyway. As he's about to tap, HHH arrives to prevent Edge's hand from tapping and then hits Cena with a mic and promptly Flair Flops. Then he fucking crushes Edge's skull with a chair. What the fuck are those chairs made out of to make that loud of a sound? He gets back in the ring just to be locked in the STF. God the close up view of HHH is DISGUSTING. Dude's whole head looks like it is covered in gel. I don't think I've ever seen a crimson mask so thick. HHH powers out of the STF. He blocks the FU. Cena blocks the pedigree and reapplies the STF. He breaks it when Edge gets near the top rope. Ref bump. Tower of doom spot with the top move being a Samoan drop. Lita tries to hit HHH with a chair only to get a spinebuster. Time to get the sledgehammer! It's burying time! #allredeverything. I definitely don't miss blade jobs like that, especially in a random triple threat on a B PPV. Spear! OUTTA NOWHERE! Edge has the hammer. Cena blocks it and gets him up for the FU. HHH low blows him. Edge falls over the ropes. HHH goes for the pedigree. Cena rolls him up. Title retained. And then he immediately no sold the low blow he just got. HHH hit everyone with the sledgehammer after the match and then told everyone to suck it. The show ends with HHH standing tall (after losing) and King of Kings playing. A sign of Wrestlemanias to come!

WWE Backlash 2003

The long awaited WWE in ring debut of Goldberg.  The opening video has a whole lot of Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, and Mike Tenay audio clips.  Fuck, COACH is the first guy to speak.  Coach and King for Raw, Tazz and Cole for Smackdown.  King already rewrites history, saying that Rock did everything before Goldberg did anything.  Except Goldberg was champion and in a movie before Rock was.  

 

World's Greatest Tag Team vs Los Guerreros WWE Tag Team Championships

This is the first big test for WGTT without Kurt Angle, who is out after neck surgery.  However, Kurt is there in spirit with his giant framed picture.  Eddie and Charlie start the match.  Whole lot of chain wrasslin here.  Eddie is super over.  Random Eddie chants for him doing absolutely nothing.  Eddie tries to get a Chavo chant, but the fans weren't as into that one.  Tags are made.  They also try some chain wrestling, but it is a lot more awkward than Eddie/Charlie doing it.  Quick tags between the Guerreros.  The focus is on Shelton's arm.  Mother fuckers be cheating all up in this mug.  Great hang time on the hilo.  WGTT also cheating like a mother fucker all up in this b.  Leap frog!  Fans really don't like Chavo, but love Eddie.  They chant for Eddie, but boo Chavo for doing just about anything.  Eddie gets out of a chin lock with a Saito suplex.  POPPIN THOSE HIPS COLE.  Haas stops a tag attempt with a double leg from hell.  Eddie is working to get the tag, but Shelton cuts him off with a POPPA DA HIPS powerslam.  Eddie has been FIP for a while.  He finally makes the tag and Chavo's hot tag offense doesn't do much for the crowd.  They just don't like Chavo.  Shelton stops all that noise with a dope powerbomb.  Eddie flies in with a missile dropkick.  Three Amigos to Charlie.  ROLLIN THOSE HIPS, COLE.  Tazz has an obsession with hips.  Frog splash.  Eddie isn't the legal man.  Haas is able to kick out due to Eddie taking too long arguing with the ref.  Shelton kind of pulled Chavo off the pin at the same time, but he was a little late.  Shelton grabs Chavo's leg from the floor as he's trying a back suplex and holds on to it as Charlie gets the pin and steals the win.  Titles retained.  After the match, the Guerrero's steal the titles.  Decent enough match, but never really kicked up to that higher gear.  Crowd booing Chavo while chanting for Eddie was pretty funny.  

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TO THE BACK.  Eddie and Chavo talk about how happy Grandma Guerrero is going to be with the belts.  They hop right into a low rider and start bumping.  Elsewhere, Torrie tells Test to leave her alone, stop calling her, and stop being a creep.  If Test is a jerk, Torrie is a TEASE.  Test apparently has jerked off many times to her Playboy pictures and said pictures were a direct message to him that she wants to fuck him.  He then forces himself on her.  Sable was watching and seemed to enjoy it all.  

 

Sean O'Haire vs Rikishi

Roddy Piper comes out first, looking fat as fuck and carrying a basket of coconuts.  He introduces O'Haire.  O'Haire had such a great look.  Too bad he wasn't that good in the ring and was a bit of a huge douche.  Rikishi is ANGRY.  So angry he forgot to give his love sign to his Uso Crazy twins at home.  Kish throws some bombs until Piper distracts him.  This opens him up for a superkick.  Lariatooo.  Lot of neck crank offense here.  Fans do not appreciate it.  Not one bit.  As he goes back to it for the third time in a row, a YOU SUCK chant starts up.  I don't know, the audio sounds weird.  I don't believe the crowd is that interested in this to make that much noise.  Stink Face is countered with a leg press.  Piper enters the ring with a coconut.  Then the guys super kick each other at the same time.  Piper gets in the ring again.   Piper gets hit with the coconut.  Rikishi turns around right into the Widow Maker.  O'Haire gets the win.  Piper was busted open.  MAD PROPSPS TO O'HAIRE!  

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TO THE BACK.  Stacy is at catering, which is just some veggie plates because "the boys were hungry tonight".  Sable walks in and tells Stacy about Torrie trying to bang Test.  Stacy doesn't believe it.  World class acting from both.  Elsewhere, RVD and Kane get psyched up for their match against the Dudleys.  RVD is a bit stressed due to Chief Morely being the special guest referee.

 

Kane/RVD vs Dudley Boyz World Tag Team Championships Special Guest Referee: Chief Morely

Kane and RVD still on TV in 2014.  Bubba technically is if you count Impact as a show in 2014.  RVD and Bubba start out.  The Dudleys are forced into working for Bischoff, but Bubba seems to be more into it than D-Von.  INDIE RESPECK STAND OFF.  Of course.  Wouldn't be an RVD match without one.  Spinning wheel kick from RVD.  Mother fucker lariatoooo from Bubba to stop the back flip shoulder blocks.  D-Von is tagged in.  Lol at Coach calling RVD "This kid" when RVD was in his early 30s and older than Coach anyway.  In comes the Daemon Kane.  He and D-Von have a lot of miscommunications that Kane ends with a big boot.  Val has been calling it right down the middle so far.  Bubba is in and bumping all around with his FAT ASS.  For whatever reason, Kane and D-Von are just not at all on the same page.  RVD is back in doing his stupid back flips for everything.  Split legged moonsault.  Huge side slam from Bubba.  And WAZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP.  Fucking hated that move.  Forever.  RVD settles into the FIP role.  Which is good, because I'd rather see him doing that instead of flipping around for no reason.  Fans don't seem to hate Bubba as much for his neck crank as they did Sean O'Haire.  Unsurprisingly, RVD kicks Bubba hard right in the face and makes a HOT tag.  It's a pun.  The Daemon Tools Kane is on FIRE!  And then a hot tag to RVD.  D-Von hits him with the second rope hanging neck breaker.  Kane is in with the flying clothesline.  Bubba attempts the Bionic Elbow just to get put in the chokeslam.  Val low blows Kane!  SWERVE!  Another stiff as fuck lariatoooo from Bubba.  Third one from him.  Val accidentally lariatooos Bubba when RVD ducks.  D-Von gets pissed and beats that Big Valbowski until he pops.  Lance Storm flies in OUTTA NOWHERE with a flying clothesline on D-Von.  Bubba Bomb to Lance.  Another stiff lariatooo to RVD.  And now Bubba and Val go at it.  Did Russo book this match?  3D to Val!  Chokeslam to Bubba.  Five Star Frog Splash.  Titles retained.  

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TO THE BACK.  Stacy confronts Torrie in the YAK Locker room.  YAK FIGHT YAK FIGHT YAK FIGHT!  

 

Jazz vs Trish Stratus WWE Women's Championship

Teddy Long!  Now hold on just a minute playas.  "Ya feel me, boo?"  "I feel ya, playa.  Cuz tonight, the bitch is back and the bitch is black.  Belie dat."  I will believe anything Jazz tells me because she would fuuuuuuck my world up.  On Raw, the Dudleyz were forced to attack Trish and then Jazz attacked afterwards.  Trish uses some speed and the power of LUCHA to avoid Jazz.  It didn't last too long since that bitch is back and that bitch is black.  Lariatooo from Trish!  Glam Slam from Jazz.  Trish gets out of a titlawhirl and counters with a gut wrench.  HYPER DRIVE!  I knew Mojo had to be a Jazz fan.  Jazz unties the turnbuckle pad, which distracts the ref while she's being pinned.  Trish throws some Misawa elbows.  The handspring rana is countered into a half crab and then turned into a Boston crab, which Trish powers out of.  Series of roll ups and Trish has her own Boston crab, which she transitions into an STF!  The fuck is going on here?  Jazz gets to the ropes.  Chick Kick!  2 count.  Jazz comes back with a jaw breaker and huge dropkick.  Stratusfaction!  The BOdog!  Fucking LOL Teddy breaks it by throwing his shoe at Trish's head.  Trish throws it back and goes for another Stratusfaction.  Jazz throws her off, which Trish turns into a roll up, but Jazz drops down and holds on to the ropes to get the win.  New champion!  Match of the night so far.  That was really fun.  

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TO THE BACK.  HBK and Booker talk about being ready.  Booker is worried about Nash being ready.  Don't worry about him.  Big Daddy is Cool.

 

Big Show vs Rey Mysterio

This was brought about by Rey continually embarrassing Show by sneaking up on him and making him trip on things.  Rey doesn't seem too excited to start this match.  Maybe he shouldn't have been fucking with a giant for weeks.  He quickly frustrates Show and Show starts kicking things.  Shit gets real as soon as Show gets a hold of that little shit.  Rey tries to fight back, but it doesn't help.  He's got a chair!  Show shoves the ref out of the way and gets beaned with a chair.  Flying senton!  2 count.  619 to the gut.  619 to the back of the legs.  619 to the head.  1857!  I find it hard to believe that Tazz did the math on that in seconds.  Rey tries a springboard and gets caught in probably the stiffest chokeslam of all time.  Big Show wins.  EMTs attend to Rey after the match.  Kind of weird that they put him on a back brace, strap him down like a mental patient, but don't put a neck brace on him when they came out because of his neck.  Show comes back and swings Rey like a baseball bat into the ring post and JESUS FUCK HE JUST SMASHED HIS FUCKING HEAD FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.  God damn it Show.  You just let the dude fall on his fucking head like that?  And what's even weirder is that no one acknowledges that part.  Just the being swung into the post part.

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TO THE BACK.  Lillian gets some words with HHH, Ric Flair, and Chris Jericho.  Ric Flair's hair makes me laugh.  Chris Jericho's mustache makes me gag.  It doesn't even connect.  He's trying to do a handlebar, but it doesn't connect.  Elsewhere, Torrie and Stacy are still fighting.  A box of stuff falls on Stacy's head.  Scott Steiner arrives to check on her and carries her off.  Test walks by and confronts Scott and then yells at Stacy.

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Brock Lesnar vs John Cena WWE Championship

Brock put Cena out of action with an F5 into the ring post.  Then there was a tournament for the number one contendership.  Cena cheated his way to the finals and gets his chance at revenge and the title.  Cena's rippity rap references Bruno, Sheiky Baby, Mankind, Dude Love, Cactus Jack, Kurt Angle, the Yankees, two dick references, and a joke about gay sex.  WELP, HERE COMES THE PAIN!  Barack Hussein OLesnar.  Cena attacks at the bell and gets Bork in the corner.  That doesn't last long until Brock does the multiple back breakers into a fall away slam.  Vertical throw.  Another.  Bork doing some gator rolls in there.  Brock does a fisherman suplex from a guillotine.  CENA SUCKS chants.  Lol.  At least he was actually a heel at this point.  Press slam.  Lariato sends Cena to the floor.  He's chucked into the bottom of the announce table.  Cena grabs a chair and is smashed before he can use it.  Brock goes hard into the steps.  Bork's fresh wound is busted open.  Cena on offense is so boring.  He has nothing but stomps and punches.  A shoulder block sends Brock to the apron.  MOOEY TIE KNEES!  Leg drop with Brock's head in the ropes.  Bork is posted.  Rest holds.  Chin locks everywhere.  DDT.  Bork with a spine buster OUTTA NOWHERE.  Rear naked choke from Cena.  I don't think it is a coincidence that this match died as soon as he got on offense.  Now people are chanting for Cena.  Wtf.  They booed him when he was doing something interesting (getting his ass kicked), but cheer him when he's doing rest holds?  While doing the hold, Cena does his best Fire Marshall Bill impression.  Maybe that's what the crowd was into.  Now it sounds like BORING chants.  Brock stands up and plays piggy back for a bit to break the hold.  Lariatoo.  Again.  Powerslam.  Spear into the corner.  Cena has botched 4 things during Brock's come back.  SHOOT powerslam because Cena was fucking up.  The ref almost gets hit, allowing Cena to hit a low blow for a near fall.  Throw Back.  2 count.  Cena almost gets decapitated with a double leg into the corner.  Cena grabs his chain.  His real chain.  Not his dick.  He tries to swing with the ref RIGHT THERE, who stops him.  F5 for the win.  Title retained.  Not very interesting when Cena was on offense, which was much of the match.  Dude just had nothing but stomps and rest holds.  

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Booker T/HBK/Kevin Nash vs Triple H/Chris Jericho/Ric Flair

Kliq nonsense still controlling WWE a decade later.  And then AGAIN in 2011.  YES, the 1991 WWF version of Flair's theme!  Love it.  I don't love that TERRIBLE knock off for Booker's theme.  That's worse than the TNA version.  HBK comes out in full 90s gear, with his stripper outfit and hat and all.  Dancing like an asshole, too.  This is Kevin Nash's return to in ring action after about a year off after tearing his quad by walking to make a tag.  Nash and HHH start the match.  But HHH tags out to Jericho before any action can happen.  And HBK tags in.  Some nice back and forth leading to a near fall sequence.  No INDIE RESPECK here, just a forearm to the face from Jericho.  In comes Nash.  THAT'S MY BIG HOMIE!  Jericho is sent to the floor and Nash takes a cheap shot at Flair, then begs HHH to come in.  Jericho comes back and hits Nash from the blind side.  Jericho skins the cat and turns around into a big boot.  In comes Booker.  Holy shit what a spine buster WIT DA GREATEST OF EASE.  Mother fucker got straight MOLLYWHOPPED.  Flapjack Norton.  Book gets backed into the heel corner.  In comes HHH.  King says some racist shit about Booker and really enjoys that Booker had a hard childhood and was a criminal at one point.  He gets genuine joy about it.  Spinebuster from HHH.  Flair and HBK are in.  Superkick to Flair.  Pedigree to HBK.  Jericho mocks HBK for a bit until HHH is back in.  King makes more criminal jokes about Booker as HBK is stuck in FIP role.  King is driving me fucking crazy by audible selling every strike.  Christ man.  Including WHOOOing at every Flair chop.  Hot tag to Nash.  Slams for everyone.  Big boots.  Snake eyeses.  Side slams.  All of those.  Nash counters the Pedigree.  Jericho breaks the jackknife with a missile dropkick.  Shit is breaking down here in the Impact Zone.  Ax kick to Jericho.  Spinarooni!  King claims that Booker's grandfather invented the limbo dance trying to get into a pay toilet.  The fuck?  HHH and Nash fight up to the stage area as Booker and Jericho brawl on the floor.  HBK is hit with a bulldog while setting up for the super kick.  Figure four!  Who is the legal man?  Why is Jericho allowed to be in the ring for 2 minutes with Flair and HBK?  Nash attempts to Jackknife HHH through the Smackdown table, but stops when he sees Jericho has HBK in the Walls of Jericho.  Ref bump.  Jackknife to Jericho.  HHH hits Nash with the sledgehammer to pick up the win.  This really completely fell apart towards the end.  Completely.  

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Cole and Tazz update us on the condition of Rey Mysterio.  They don't, actually.  All we know is that his vital signs are good.  We'll have a real update on Smackdown.

TO THE BACK.  Terri gets some words with Rock, who appears to be pretty coked up.  He starts by calling Terri "lemon panties" and "giggle panties" and saying the only thing he hasn't done is make a white baby.  Then making some really weird faces.  "You can wipe a cockatoo's ass with what you think."  "Hey hey hey hey, that's the only animal the Rock could think of."  He ends the promo by calling Goldberg a bald headed, whisker biscuit BITCH

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The Rock vs Goldberg

Goldberg is wrestling with a concussion due to some Rock chair shots.  Think about something like that today.  He'd be out for 6 weeks at least.  Crowd seems to be pretty split.  King takes shots at Goldberg for no reason.  Goldberg wins the opening exchange.  "Oh you are in trouble now!"  They lock up and Rock gets tossed to the floor.  BITCH SLAP!  Bill liked it!  Lariato sends Rock back to the floor.  Rock appears to be trying to get a count out.  He baits Goldberg in and hits a lariatooooo.  Rock Bottom...TO THE ROCK!!!  The spear is dodged and Goldberg goes into the ring post and out to the floor.  Sharpshooter from Rock.  Rope break.  Punch to the dick, punch to the dick!  Spear!  OUTTA NOWHERE!  But with the injured shoulder.  Powerslam.  Coach can't say Goldberg.  It sounds more like Goadbwerg.  Rock's lariatos have little effect, but Rock hits a spear!  Rock Bottom.  2 count!  Barely.  It actually looked like it might have been 3.  Spinebuster.  People's Elbow.  2 count!  Spear!  Another spear!  Jackhammer.  Goldberg wins!

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Decent enough show.  Nothing particularly memorable, but nothing bad.  Crowd was really weird during Rock/Goldberg.  Frequently were booing both guys, and then chanting for both guys, being completely indecisive.  It was strange.  It wasn't the typical 50/50 split.  The whole crowd seemed to be switching who they were cheering for every few minutes.  Actually, the crowd sounded weird all night.  I think this was from an edited DVD release and not the PPV broadcast, as the music edits were definitely a DVD/game rights issue at the time, but weren't for live shows.  I would say Trish/Jazz might have been the match of the night.  It was really fun.  Hollywood Rock was the BEST, and this night was probably his best performance as Hollywood Rock.   

WWF Backlash 2000

Triple HHH became the first heel to make it out of the main event of WM with the title. Which was already his, but whatever. Vince and Shane joined with HHH and Steph to form the super heel group that definitely isn't The Corporation.

Debra is introduced as guest ring announcer for the opening contest. To almost no reaction. This was her return after months away. Oh shit, Rock's mom is in the front row.


X-Pac/Road Dogg vs Edge & Christian WWF Tag Team Championships

THE KING OF ROCK WHO THE KING OF ROCK WHAT? Best version of the DX theme. Debra is a terrible announcer. Christ. Edge and Kid begin. X-Pac tells Edge to suck it, and Edge seems into it. A spin kick sends X-Pac all the way out to the announce table. X-Pac spits at Edge. Fuck. Imagine the diseases you could get from X-Pac saliva. Shit doctors don't even know about. Like hepatitis 7 or something. The tides turn for DX when Christian gets tagged in. He's the loser of the team already. This is a really hot crowd. Haven't heard a crowd that hot for standard Southern tag formula stuff in years. "X-Pac riding bareback there on Christian in the corner." Road Dogg hits a super stiff kick to the back. Uncharactaristically stiff from him. Tori got knocked off the apron. Christian used the distraction to hit X-Pac with the ring bell. Titles retained. Fun opener. 


TO THE BACK. A limo arrives. It's THE ROCk! BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!


Scotty Too Hotty vs Dean Malenko WWF Light Heavyweight Championship

X-Pac got busted open from the ring bell and his diseases are now stained into the mat. I wonder what kind of WWF career Dean would have had if he had joined in like...1996. Probably not that much different, since he was SO short and wouldn't have had the talent to work with he had in WCW. TMF gets sick of all the dancing shit and tries to destroy Scotty's leg so he can't dance again. Just tears that thing apart. Scotty finally gets some room to breathe and is immediately caught in a superplex. The WORM! I like that Dean no sold it and immediately went for a roll up. Tiger driver! TMF goes up top. Scotty catches him and attempts a superplex. Dean counters with an avalanche DDT OUTTA NOWHERE! Title retained. Fun match.


TO THE BACK. Vince, Shane, HHH, and Steph are having a meeting. Patterson and Brisco have rejoined the group. ALL HANDS ON DECK! 


Big Boss Man/Bull Buchanan vs Acolytes

Too long, sadly not very slobberknockery. Just boring. Well, they can't all be winners. Boss Man hit JBL in the face with his night stick and Bull hit a top rope ax kick for the win.


TO THE BACK. The Hardys discuss what they'll do to each other to win the Hardcore Championship. Elsewhere, the Holly Cousins have a similar discussion.


Crash Holly vs Hardcore Holly vs Jeff Hardy vs Matt Hardy vs Tazz vs Perry Saturn

The 24/7 rule is not in effect tonight. Someone must pin Crash to win the title. LOL that Taz is the same size as Crash. And not nearly as in shape. And people still try to pretend like his push got ruined by the Radicalz jumping. He's the same size as CRASH HOLLY, but fat. He's lucky to even have a job in WWE. Crash tries to run away by climbing the giant hooks at the entrance. Matt follows. And then Matt dives off of it. From that point on, it's just dudes hitting each other with random knick knacks. TABASCO! The Hardys bring a ladder into the ring. Jeff did a swanton from the very top of it. JR has compared him to HBK at least twice now. Tazzmission! Saturn kills that with a STOP sign. Crash rolls over and pins Tazz while the Hardys were busy diving to the floor. Title retained.


TO THE COACH. Coach speaks with Shane about being the ref in the main event...with his father in the corner of his brother in law.


Kurt Angle vs Big Show

Man. Big Show was in the MAIN EVENT of WM a month ago. Now he's doing a comedy parody gimmick that Stevie Richards and Damien Sandow got stuck with. What a fall from grace. My god. It's HULK HOGAN! Oh. It's the Showster, brother. Those yellow tights reveal that the Big Show isn't very...big. Show STARTS the match by Hulking Up. Big boot! Leg drop! 12HEGOTHIMNOHEDIDN'T! Kurt goes after the leg. Then HOGAN chants start up. Lol. More people at this show were chanting for Hogan than they did at the last 4 months of WCW combined at this point. Also, WWE drew almost double to a B PPV in the same building that WCW ran their biggest show of the year in 4 months prior. Show wins quickly and fairly easily with a chokeslam. 


TO THE COLE. Big Mike speaks with Trish and T&A about the Dudleys. She said some shit about Bubber, who was watching on a monitor and being super weird. D-Von is sick of that shit.


Dudley Boys vs T&A

The Smashing Pumpkins are in the front row. D-Von and Albert officially being the match after all 4 men brawl in the ring for a bit. Bubba's obsession with putting women through tables was a weird angle. Especially with the whole, "He totally cums when he does this" part of it. Kind of weird that Test went from appearing to get a super push to the main event and feud with the McMahons/HHH to being bussed down to a mid card tag team with the perpetually not over Albert. D-Von works FIP for way too long. The Dudleys never really worked as faces. This is worked as a pretty standard Southern tag. T&A are a pretty solid HOSS team, but get no reactions without Trish. Speaking of Trish, it must be weird as fuck to be standing out there and having 17,000 people staring at your ass instead of watching the match. And then doing that for 6 years. Trish on the apron distracted Bubber from hitting the 3D. Test hit him with a big boot for the win. After the match, Albert was hit with 3D, Test with the Kanyon Cutter (BANG!), and Trish got put through a table. To a disturbingly huge pop, with Bubba leaving the ring screaming, "I GOT YOU YOU LITTLE BITCH" over and over. Trish was stretchered out. Almost the entire ref squad is out there to help. I wonder why. Chioda totally stares at Trish's crotch area multiple times while wheeling her to the back. 


TO THE BACK. As Trish was taken to the ambulance, Eddie and Chyna pulled in. Eddie is told his match is up next and he better hurry up.


Eddie Guerrero vs Essa Rios WWF European Championship

Eddie pulls right into the arena. They just got back from Eddie's prom, so Eddie is going to wrestle this match in a tux. This is all over Eddie and Essa being paired up and Lita costing them a few matches. I don't think there is really much of an issue between the two men, but Chyna really hates Lita. She even gave Lita to the Dudleys. The match itself is kind of an awkward luchaish match that the production team has no idea how to shoot. Chyna got involved multiple times. Eddie won with a whirlybird neckbreaker. Lita attacks and strips Chyna. 


TO THE COACH. Coach gets some words with Steph and HHH. 

TO THE COLE. Words with IC Champ Chris Benoit, who appears to be in the boiler room for some reason. 


Chris Jericho vs Chris Benoit WWF Intercontinental Championship

This starts with a collar and elbow tie up that goes to the floor. Then they do a roll up sequence and start a chop battle. Then the Rolling Reich right away. And then Benoit misses a suicide dive. Just splatting. The steps get dropkicked into Jericho's legs/balls/stomach. So the focus from that point on is on Jericho's torso. This crowd has definitely mellowed out a lot since the start of the show. I guess that's understandable, since everything after the 2nd match has been kind of bland. And this match is very WCW/NJPW style, which the WWF audience was still being trained on. Ref bump! Benoit hits Jericho in the face with the title. 2 count! Benoit attempts the Iron Eagle. Jericho used the title belt to block it. Tim White saw it and called for the DQ. Title retained. Jericho attacked Tim White after the match. 


TO THE COLE. Is Rock concerned that Steve Austin has yet to arrive? Rock doesn't give a fuck. 


The Rock vs Triple H WWF Championship Special Guest Referee: Shane McMahon

Before the match, Vince informs fans of the "card subject to change" clause to announce that Austin would not be at the show tonight.

 
 

Typical brawling start. Fans want Austin. HHH slows shit down with rest holes while JR bitches about internet rumors. Vince blasts Rock in the face with the title. Crowd starts chanting what sounds like a mixture of AUSTIN and BORING. Shane refuses to count Rock's pin. Rock punches him over the top rope. As things head to the SAT, Rock does a Rock Bottom to HHH AND Shane. At the same time. Through the table. Since Shane is dead, Vince calls for a new ref to count the pin after a pedigree. It's the STOOGES! Rock kicked out! STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD arrives to one of the biggest pops of all time and destroys everyone with a chair. And a noticeable gut. But holy shit, that reaction is insane. Linda McMahon and Earl Hebner stroll down to ringside. Linda shoves Stephanie down. Spinebuster. People's Elbow. The Rock wins! NEW CHAMPION! Holy fuck. This is the loudest shit I've ever heard. Insanity. Austin returns, towing the destroyed DX Express to ringside. He and Rock toast to the WWF Championship.  


Certainly, the in ring stuff has improved a lot. Weird how all it took was the best of WCW's midcard jumping ship.

WWF Backlash: In Your House 4/25/99
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When your back lashes back, you have BACKLASH.

JR is returning to his first full PPV since Rock Bottom, where he suffered another Bell's Palsy attack.


The Brood vs Ministry of Darkness

The Brood's entrance ain't shit without the pit of fire. So the story here is that when Steph was being kept hidden in the boiler room by the Ministry, Christian gave away the secret while Ken Shamrock had him in an ankle lock. Then Taker whipped him and was going to sacrifice him the next week, so the Brood rebelled from the Ministry. Mideon and Blue Dot start the match. This should probably just be APA vs E&C. Faarooq's career took a weird path in the WWF. Came in as a Roman gladiator type, then turned into a leader of a black militant group, then joined a satanic cult, then became a mercenary who drank a lot of beer. Regardless, he always had a dope spinebuster. LOL at Christian trying to get into a fist fight with Bradshaw. A LOUD "Mideon sucks" chant starts up for no reason other than Mideon sucks. He wasn't even in the ring. I'm not sure Teddy Long should be allowed to ref matches for Faarooq. That's a conflict of interest given their past history. You know, Bradshaw had a weird career path as well. Coming in as a ornery cowboy, to a different kind of cowboy, to a member of a santanic cult, to a beer drinking mercenary, back to a cowboy, back to beer drinking mercenary, then being Million Dollar Man 2K to mountain climbing shithole announcer and conservative radio host. Bad camera work abounds here as most of the spots in the finishing sequence are barely seen or missed entirely. JBL pinned Christian with the Clothesline from Hell.

 
 

TO THE BACK. Rock arrives and drags the Smoking Skull Belt on the floor. No respect.


Hardcore Holly vs Al Snow WWF Hardcore Championship

Let's see how this goes. I would assume this won't end up in the river again. JUG OF WATER JUG OF WATER JUG OF WATER! Al somehow got busted open in the first 2 minutes with no weapons or even stiff shots that I could see. Why would you get a hockey stick only to break it in half to use less of it as a weapon? And why is the Raw apron on the ring? Were they planning on taping Raw right after the PPV? A table is set up in the ring, but they head to the back instead. Fans boo. Of course. You don't want to pay for tickets and then get stuck watching the monitors. There happens to be a sink just around in the back. It wasn't a kitchen sink. It was clearly a bathroom sink, Jim. But it got broken. They're fighting in an over filled dumpster, Maggle! I love it! "I always knew Al Snow was white trash." King actually had a good line. The fight heads into the production truck. One of them at least. The audio truck. Bob gets hip tossed out of it onto the roof of a car. Camera crew is heard repeatedly talking to each other during this. They finally come back into the arena. The table set up at the start of the match finally get used as Hardcore hit a superplex through it. Then Al wins by hitting Bob with Head. New champion!

 
 

EARLIER TONIGHT. Stone Cold arrived.

TO THE BACK. Taker holds a Ministry meeting. He speaks about the "Hower Power".


Godfather vs Goldust WWF Intercontinental Championship

Meanie does THE GRIND! Wait. 2 months ago, Goldy was kicking Blue Meanie in the balls and now Meanie is his manager and calls Goldust, "Mommy". What? JR claims Kama is 6'8". Yet Goldy is billed at 6'6" and is taller. A whole lot of fuckery here. Goldy brings in powder. It gets knocked into his face. Meanie hops in the ring to help him. Goldust instead attacks Meanie, thinking it was Godfather. This goes as far as the Shattered Dreams to Meanie. Goldy somehow couldn't tell the difference between a tall and muscular man and a short and fat man. And the powder apparently impaired his hearing as well. Meanie has to no sell the kick to the balls so he can fall into Goldust's balls. Godfather won with the DVD. Title retained. One of the hos had her nipple pop out briefly, which was so quick it wasn't edited out.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Cole speaks with Al Snow, who is sitting in front of urinals. Head seems to be arguing that she is officially the champion, not Al.


New Age Outlaws vs Owen Hart/Jeff Jarrett

This is a number one contenders match. Roadie and his carny talk. Debra comes out in a bikini with a Sgt. Pepper jacket. King can't stop talking about tits. Fans also don't give a shit about the match and just want to see Debra's tits. They chant very loud for them. Frankly, Debra's boobs are gross. They look painful. I don't want to see those. Was there a single diva during the Attitude Era with real tits? This match is basically the dropkick match.  So many dropkicks. Even Road Dogg threw one. 90% of Billy's offense was dropkicks. Billy hits the Fameasser on Owen while Owen had the sharpshooter on Roadie. NAO win. Billy shows his ass after the match.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Cole speaks with Shane McMahon, who will be the ref for Austin/Rock. In addition, the match is now no holds barred and if Austin attacks Shane, Austin will be fired. Shane swears on the name of his grandfather that he will count to 3 if Austin can beat Rock. "He is not my father. He is Vince to me."

TO THE HERMIE. Kevin is with Vince and Steph, who are holed up with a police officer to guard them. Vince is taking care of his family. Steph looks like a baby.


Mankind vs Big Show

Boiler Room Brawl

Oh fuck. Not another boiler room brawl. The match starts with Foley attacking Show from behind and trying to shove him into an electric closet. Why does the boiler room have a kitchen? My tolerance for seeing Mick Foley destroy his body has lowered significantly over the past 15 years. There are shopping carts, panes of glass, wooden ladders, tables, stairs, and steam. Mankind wins, but is immediately attacked by Test and the Boss Man. Show chased Boss Man away. Mankind gave Test Mr. Socko. By virtue that this was 1/3rd as long as the Mankind/Taker one, I vote this as the best Boiler Room Brawl. It's still garbage.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Cole is with HHH and Chyna. Chyna claims X-Pac forgot who got him over.

Footage of Big Show getting attended to by the trainer is shown. Then footage of Foley walking around the boiler room.


X-Pac vs Triple H

Finally, HHH is a heel again. Still, it will take him some time to get to The Game. He also now has one of the most generic themes of the entire Attitude Era. It sounds like a dubbed version of Cactus Jack's theme. It's garbage. It sounds like some shit one of the random unknown white light heavyweights would enter to. Probably would have been Flash Flannigan's music on Shotgun or something. X-Pac gets the dueling Cena chants. HHH then sent him flying over the top rope. Chyna causes the distraction HHH needed to get into control. Kid's feet are so fast, so educated. Lariatooooo. X-Pac appears to injure his neck and the ref thinks about stopping this match. HHH immediately focuses on the neck and tries to take away the Kid's livelihood like a no good son of a gun. How strange. A match with an actual story and psychology in an era where just the idea of that was unheard of. Chioda gets pulled in front of a baseball slide. First ref bump of the show. X-Factor! Chyna hit a low blow and Scorpion Death Drop. The lights go out. IT'S SABU! Oh. Nevermind. It's THE DAMON KANE!!! Chokeslam to HHH! Chokeslam to Chyna! Bronco Busters! LOL HHH still wins with a pedigree.

 
 

Ken Shamrock vs The Undertaker

Ken attacks as Taker enters the ring. Dat Ministry theme. Old School like a minute in. Taker misses a big boot in the corner and Shamrock zones in on Taker's knee and thigh. Lots of submission work from Ken. Fans don't know what to think. This is the second match in a row with submissions and actual psychology being used. They're not used to it. "SHUT UP YOU FAT BASTARD." Well, that fan really told Paul. Undertaker gets into full guard. Shamrock immediately sweeps into full mount and then applies a cross arm breaker. Not a Fujiwara arm bar, Jim. Boring chants start. Taker focuses on the lower back of Ken. Taker also busts out submissions that up to that point he had never done before. I can't help but laugh at these fans who legitimately can't handle a match with a story and working on a limb. Like...shit, Bret hadn't been gone that long and most of his matches were similar to this. Had things really changed so much in a year and a half that fans have no idea how to handle a match with actual psychology? Ankle lock! Bradshaw shows up with a bat. Shamrock knocks him off the apron. GOAT counter of the chokeslam with a rolling cross arm breaker. Belly to belly! Then Ken randomly decides to try a tombstone, which is of course countered. Taker wins. Bradshaw is sent into the ring to beat on Ken. Here's the thing. Fans didn't care for a submission based match and now they care even less about a heel beating on a heel after a 20 minute submission based match.  

 
 

TO THE BACK. Vince makes Steph stay in the limo with police protection.



Steve Austin vs The Rock WWF Championship

No Holds Barred

Special Guest Referee: Shane McMahon

Shane is no Vince, that's for sure. It just doesn't work with Shane in that role. WE FIGHT ON SUNDAY NIGHT, MAGGLE!  THESZ PRESS THESZ PRESS RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND PISTON PISTON. This crowd is hot as fuck. Especially since now they get the wild brawl instead of submission and limb based matches they've been forced to deal with. Things quickly head out of the ring and Austin is thrown through the set at the entrance ramp. Rock gets thrown through the other side. Lost "anvil" cases are used. Why would anvils be needed for a wrestling event? Things head back to the ring, but only for a few seconds. Rock Bottom through the Spanish announce table! By GAWD! Rock then puts on a headset and trash talks. Rock steals a camera. He films that trash Steve Austin on the English speaking table. STUNNER STUNNER STUNNER MY GOD. Rock Bottom in the ring! Austin kicks out! Shane gets the title belt. Oh no, he accidentally hit Rock! Shane refused to count to 3 for Austin and runs off. Vince shows up with Earl Hebner. Vince drills Shane with the smoking skull belt. Stunner! Belt shot. Austin wins! Austin wins! STONE COLD STONE COLD! Title retained. Vince personally gives Austin the smoking skull belt that Rock had thrown in the river.

 
 

TO THE BACK. Steph is speaking with the cops. The Ministry shows up. The cops send the limo off. But wait. THE UNDERTAKER WAS DRIVING. "Where to, Stephanie? HAHAHAHAHAHA"

 
 

Certainly the best show since Summerslam 1998. The last 3 matches were solid as fuck. Especially since 2 of them had actual stories and psychology that the fans had NO idea how to react to. But even the lesser matches weren't a super drag to sit through like they usually are.

StroBacklash 1999Comment